transformation

[pushforward]

I initially came to enotalone because of my first love breakup. It was excruciating, but it happened for the betterment of me. It's been over a year and I've been developing myself.

 

I've been content for a good month or two because of the progress I've made, but lately my emotions are taking it's toll on me. My Grandpa recently suffered a stroke and it's very hard for me to deal with this.

 

I'm lost at this point and time in life, I like my job but my social life is very limited. I'm active and do go out, but I still find myself to feel very lonely and unable to connect to people. It's bothering me that I lack the social skills to make new friends in the city. (I was raised differently and I was holding myself back for a good majority of life and even to this day.)

 

I know can't be using this as an excuse anymore, but I do not take rejection very well. I've lost a lot in this life and I've finally figured out that my ego will protect itself by not taking any chances because unconsciously, I believe it will happen again and again. I don't like where I'm heading and I'm too scared to take the chance and get myself out there like I should.

 

I don't know what to do or where to start. I look at what everybody else has and I feel so lonely. I don't want to make friendships to fill the void or have this clingy needy feeling associated with friendships. I want good friends that will inspire me to do better and grow with me as I transition into adulthood.

 

Any insight anyone can provide? Or maybe a story of how you were once in this phase or currently in it and how you got out of it or worked through it?

[TheMailMan]

I'm in a similar situation as yourself. Except I'm super outgoing. I just recently moved back home from college and don't have any close friends near by.

 

My advice:

 

1. The rejection thing is something that you have to get used to. I've found the best way to get over the fear of rejection is to go out and get rejected. Ask girls for their phone numbers, new acquaintances or coworkers if they want to hang out. Coworkers are really easy to hang out because you already have a existing relationship with them. If they say no, roll it off your shoulder and move to the next one. With each Yes your confidence will rise and it will show in your body language and attitude.

 

2. As for finding really good friends... Go pursue your hobbies. Martial arts, hiking, paintballing, video games, golf, tennis. Take lessons or classes... the first step to finding a best bud is finding someone who likes the same stuff as you...

[easyguy]

Spending a nearly a month in New York City by myself, single and all, seemed to have completely changed my life... in a beneficial way. Shot my general life confidence up by a few levels. But I didn't go there to benefit in that way. I knew it was going to be challenging, but I didn't intend to come back noticeably more outgoing and confident.

 

Thing is, if you want to transform yourself, you have to put yourself in totally different conditions than what you're used to. You can't do the same things all the time and expect a different result. 20-something days in NYC by myself changed me more than 3 years worth of eNotAlone advice. Not putting down ENA, but there are some things that you can really only learn by experience.

[coldplay.]

Spending a nearly a month in New York City by myself, single and all, seemed to have completely changed my life... in a beneficial way. Shot my general life confidence up by a few levels. But I didn't go there to benefit in that way. I knew it was going to be challenging, but I didn't intend to come back noticeably more outgoing and confident.

 

Thing is, if you want to transform yourself, you have to put yourself in totally different conditions than what you're used to. You can't do the same things all the time and expect a different result. 20-something days in NYC by myself changed me more than 3 years worth of eNotAlone advice. Not putting down ENA, but there are some things that you can really only learn by experience.

 

I like that and its 100% true, all this crap on here is keyboard jockeying, real growth is not in front of the screen, but within your own skin.

 

Ive thought about the NYC move, really thought about it. Ive come to the conclusion im not a small town boy, yet im stuck there for right now.

 

As for growth, it all depends on how much you really want it, you may say i want to change, but if you really did you would be out doing it.

 

"it" meaning not staying home, the world is never going to change for you, nothing you read will ever change the facts of life.

 

highlighted are the parts in this post that are excuses your telling yourself.

 

I initially came to enotalone because of my first love breakup. It was excruciating, but it happened for the betterment of me. It's been over a year and I've been developing myself.

 

I've been content for a good month or two because of the progress I've made, but lately my emotions are taking it's toll on me. My Grandpa recently suffered a stroke and it's very hard for me to deal with this.

 

I'm lost at this point and time in life, I like my job but my social life is very limited. I'm active and do go out, but I still find myself to feel very lonely and unable to connect to people. It's bothering me that I lack the social skills to make new friends in the city. (I was raised differently and I was holding myself back for a good majority of life and even to this day.)

I know can't be using this as an excuse anymore, but I do not take rejection very well. I've lost a lot in this life and I've finally figured out that my ego will protect itself by not taking any chances because unconsciously, I believe it will happen again and again. I don't like where I'm heading and I'm too scared to take the chance and get myself out there like I should.

 

I don't know what to do or where to start. I look at what everybody else has and I feel so lonely. I don't want to make friendships to fill the void or have this clingy needy feeling associated with friendships. I want good friends that will inspire me to do better and grow with me as I transition into adulthood.

 

Any insight anyone can provide? Or maybe a story of how you were once in this phase or currently in it and how you got out of it or worked through it?

 

This transition your talking about has nothing to do with friends, people dont "need" friends to grow, they get friends from growing.

 

People want positive influences in their life as much as you do, and not have to carry dead weight. So you need to become accountable for your own actions; relationships are reciprocation's of emotional capital, its a give and take. In order to make good friends you need to build up from nothing.

 

My suggestions to you, make goals, do something every day to accomplish those goals, fill your day with different activities to fulfill those goals, whether it be getting in shape, meeting girls, learning something new. You just need to do it.

 

Ive learned to associate bad emotions with my negative habits, i genuinely get mad at myself if i dont spend my day being productive in some way, its almost unbearable. And you know its not a strange or bad thing, its how my life should have been all along, the real issue was the lie that had become my life. Was i actually going to succeed doing what i was doing, no way in hell.

 

Ive done a lot of reading, i suggest you do to, but in the end its all about the choices we make. No one can figure this out for you, because no one is you, fear of the unknown is what you must overcome, fear of things you cannot control is another, knowing that yourself is the only thing in this world you can control should help put things into perspective.

 

sorry for the incoherence to tired to edit.

[pushforward]

thanks for your honesty, i'm not just staying home. i am very proactive about my days. i work full time, school part time, gym 3 - 6 days a week. socialize and read like a mad man.

 

i love philosophy, philanthropy, self help and all that jazz.

 

i think right now it's because i'm in my early 20s and going through that whole transitional period and my past is a constant reminder of where i've come from.

 

i'm not making any excuses and hold myself 100% accountable, but i don't feel like this is where i should be. i'm pretty sure it's all the things that happened at once and i couldn't handle it and i'm in emotional turmoil.

 

i'm working through it and any books you have to recommend is much appreciated.

 

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR INPUT.