bronte Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Saw my ex this evening to give him back his apartment key and some other things of his. It's been about two months since the break-up (which was mutual but a very hard decision for both of us) but he was working out of town for most of the summer, hence only doing the "exchange of stuff" thing now. He made me a cup of tea and we chatted for a bit and it was really a fairly nice time, given the circumstances. What made things strange at the end of the evening is that he refuses to admit that there might be anything "weird" about our hanging out together now. After he said that he would have to come see my new apartment at some point and I gently suggested that that might be a bit weird, he told me that he still wants me to be an important part of his life and that the only way we can successfully transition into being friends is by hanging out IN PERSON as just friends on a regular basis... I told him I thought it was still too soon for that, but he made me feel like *I* was the weird one for thinking this would be...well, weird. I mean, how would I explain that to new romantic interests? "Excuse me, I need to go hang out with [Ex] now so we can transition into being friends. You know, [Ex]? The guy I was totally in love with for two years? And kind of still am?" And that's not even considering the high probability of it stopping my healing completely and causing me to continue to foster romantic feelings for him instead... Ugh, my ex just has a unique talent for making me feel like I'm somehow being odd or irrational when I'm pretty sure I'm not!!! (I'm not, right?) Link to comment
Mimori Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Your actually bring really practical with the whole ordeal. He wants to keep you apart of his life, as I quote “an important part of his”. That would mean that you’d be dedicating time to getting to spend quality time with him, which is horrible for the healing process. A healthy and normal friendship can only occur when both parties are comfortable with being around each other again. You’d potentially damage any new relationships you enter, because well let’s face it, you still have feelings for this man and you know yourself it’s not the right time to be hanging out together. Don’t let him manipulate you into spending time that may potentially back track your progress. Tell him again, you aren’t comfortable with hanging out yet, and still would prefer some space and hopes that he can learn to respect your wishes… Either way you need to separate yourself from him. If he respects you and your decision then he should back off… Otherwise it just tells you he’s not listening to you and doesn’t care about how you feel but what he wants… Link to comment
needadvice911 Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 You are right.. I agree with you 100% I didn't even want to look at my ex after we broke up.. lol I think it is weird. You can either be honest about how you feel or try to prevent him from coming by your house... But if it were me I would just be honest and nice about it.. Just say look, I think it is better we have no contact for a while, I think you are a great friend and all but I just need some time alone for a while...Hope you understand.. Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Ugh. Honey, I know how it is. Back when I was avoiding my ex at the same school we attended 6 months ago, he would still follow me showing his dumb ass at me. It's like exes don't understand what boundaries need to be drawn. He would ask everyone why i was avoiding him... Um, maybe it's because it's awkward? Maybe because you're my ex? Maybe because you're a downright rude person and I don't want anything to do with you much anymore? Just tell him, "You're a great guy, but I need some time by myself. Maybe some day down the road we can be friends again. But for now, I think it's best we don't contact each other anymore." Link to comment
Talus Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 You're doing the right thing. The only way you will ever be just friends it to forget how it was to be lovers. That's not going to happen if you are constantly seeing him. Stay away. May take you months, years even, to be ready to see him as just a friend. But be patient, to stay in contact and hanging out is just putting yourself through unnecessary pain. I dunno about you, but I don't like hurting myself. Link to comment
bronte Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 Thanks, everyone, I know you're all right! I think it just stunned me in part because he's claiming that *he* doesn't feel weird at all around me, which seems impossible two months after ending a long-term relationship! But that's his way of dealing with complicated emotions, he claims not to feel them... Link to comment
BriarRose Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Ex's can only be true friends until one meets someone new and then you get dropped like a hot rock (or vice versa). Link to comment
bronte Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 Yeah, Misskitty, that's kind of how I see it going in my mind's eye--not that either of us would intentionally drop the other one "like a hot rock", but realistically you can't continue hanging out with your recent ex as "just friends" once you're in a new relationship without making your new partner understandably nervous. And I'm sure whichever of us ended up being "left" would end up being hurt. I don't want to hurt him, but I wish he would just deal with and acknowledge painful emotions instead of taking this weird "rational" approach to everything--but of course, if he'd been capable of doing that we might still be together... Link to comment
mellow Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I was guilty over this, I was the dumpee but I was wondering why he couldn't hang out with me after break up, he still cared- but I wanted him to move on so we could be friends and hangout/do projects together again like we usually do (as a friend)-... -...but as he found someone else 2 weeks after we broke up, he was totally over me, I was crushed and unable to be friends due to my overwhelming feelings. Hypocrite, eh? I was just wishing deep down for a reconciliation someday in the future- but can't anymore as he's totally over me... He would probably get jealous or won't be able to hang out with you if you already have your eye on someone else. At this moment he can feel fine because you're still in the circle... he's comfortable with you and want you to be still part of his life without the necessary attachment. just cut off contact, it'll be better for you and for him.. Link to comment
bronte Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 I think it hasn't occurred to him that I might be dating again--although in fact I am, I'm going out on a third date with a fairly promising guy tonight. I'm certainly not going to rush into another serious relationship, but I am trying to move on. From the sound of things last night my ex is too busy right now to devote much time to finding someone new (though of course I know that's no guarantee that he won't manage it when I least expect it!). I'm sure that has something to do with why hanging out with me seems so appealing--even with the weirdness of the break-up looming over us, I'd still be less work than an entirely new girlfriend! And would be entitled to make fewer demands on him... Link to comment
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