Having a hard time arranging holiday with BF. Help!

[laylie]

Im going travelling with my bf for about 2 months in 3/4 months time. since this will be over the christmas/new year time, things need to start getting booked or we wont get what we want!

 

He hasnt done much travelling, so i do get that he just doens't know where to start on how to plan a holiday....but i feel like im doing it ALL. I have so many notes and information on hotels to stay at. I say a hotel, but its 'no good' for him. He wants something thats more of the country we stay in than a chain hotel. I cant win! He wont stay in hostels.

 

Im at the point of 'why bother' I gave up on doing anything (finding out stuff) a month ago and haven't done anything since coz i was getitng no where. I cant make the final decision. I can get information but we both have to decide. But it looks like im just gonna have to work it out, all of it, give it to him and i can guarentee he wont like it all. But what am i suposed to do.

 

I ask a simple question to him, about the final day we are there. Our plane leaves early to come back home and it seems a waste of money to get the hotel for the night as we would be leaving at 5 or 6am, so i asked if it'd be best to wander around (there'd be some stuff open still) and then head to the airport and just wait there, sit back and relax and just wait until we board - no rushing about, instead of spending nearly $150 EACH on a nights accommodation when we'd be there for like 5 hours. I thought that was simple.

 

he tells me 'you think too much'..... and then tells me to 'relax'........and then asks if its that 'time of the month?'

 

And then he tells me he's made a time for us to see our travel agent THIS WEEK to start making arrangements.......we have NOTHING to give her. For her to book stuff we need to give her dates, places, hotels (if we have any we prefer) but we got nothing!!

 

driving me up the wall!!

 

how would you go about it?

[karvala]

I wonder if he is under the impression, not having travelled much, that your travel agent is somehow going to do it all, and all he needs to do is turn up with a few vague ideas and she will magically make it happen. Might be fun to send him to the meeting on his own (on the strict condition that no final arrangements are made and no money changes hands!), as a learning experience for him.

[laylie]

I wonder if he is under the impression, not having travelled much, that your travel agent is somehow going to do it all, and all he needs to do is turn up with a few vague ideas and she will magically make it happen. Might be fun to send him to the meeting on his own (on the strict condition that no final arrangements are made and no money changes hands!), as a learning experience for him.

 

I think your spot on. He DEFINATLY has the idea that she is going to do it for us. He thinks thats what they are there for. We went in one day, and he goes we want to go here. And the girl is like 'um ok and you want me to do what!'.

 

Im fine with arranging and finding out stuff, but he wont even make a decision. i just get a 'i dont know'. or 'how am i suposed to know ive never been there'. yeah well me either buddy!! lol.

[laylie]

omg.

 

i was getting annoyed with his 'i dont know' replies. its all i get. And i said back to him 'if u want to pay $150 for a night go for it!'.

 

i then get this reply! and told me that what i said above was 'aggressive'

 

now im pissed off. He can speak to me like that but soon as i speak back to him in an annoyed way i get that back at me.

[karvala]

Goodness, if he's like this when organising the holiday, what's he going to be like when he's actually there, and you're deciding what to do?! He sounds like he wants to take no responsibility for anything, he just wants to complain from the sidelines.

[laylie]

Goodness, if he's like this when organising the holiday, what's he going to be like when he's actually there, and you're deciding what to do?! He sounds like he wants to take no responsibility for anything, he just wants to complain from the sidelines.

 

i know. kind of getting worried about that. He thinks we can just book a few citys accommodation and 'find the rest' when we are there. At Christmas and new years? yeah right!

 

i haven't done much traveling, but i know you dont take that chance in a strange cities that dont speak your language over a busy holiday period when your limited on money.

 

I dont like the fact he's comfortable talking to me like that. Even if its over the net.

 

He doesn't like 'talking' about it over the net or texts, and yet i see him once a week so how are we suposed to! and he's just made plans with the travel agent to arrange stuff....how and what!!

 

he doesn't seem to get why i get fustrated, instead he thinks im being moody and aggressive.

[karvala]

You're not being moody or aggressive, you're being sensible, take it from me. Regardless of the risk of even finding somewhere in a strange city over Christmas and New Year, it will waste valuable holiday time to do so while you're there, plus you'll end up paying rack rate which will be vastly more than if you book it in advance. If you know where you're going, then there's never a reason not to arrange it in advance.

 

Why doesn't he like to talk about it over the net or text? Seems like an avoidance strategy to me. And yes, you shouldn't be happy that he thinks that's an okay way to talk to you, because in my view it's not, no matter how frustrated he is.

 

It seems that he has a completely different approach here, essentially "turn up and see what happens, and see where we end up". If you want a constructive suggestion, ask him (in as pleasant a way as you can manage in the circumstances, so it doesn't look like you're hassling him simply because you want an honest and useful answer out of him) how he sees the holiday going. You could even put the "shall we just turn up and see what happens" idea to him, not as something you actually believe in, but as a feint, to see how he reacts to it? It may be that you're just on completely different pages as to how a travel experience should go. Some people do turn up and just see how it goes, but they're invariably back-packing, staying in youth hostels and don't really care worry things too much. I can't imagine them vetoing hotel choices, so I wonder if he really is one of these, or if he at least thinks he is?

[pui]

Are you sure there isn't any easier way you two can plan this peacefully? You obviously have different views on how this whole thing should be organized. It is a holiday after all, I think you shouldn't get all stressed over these issues. I don't really understand what his attitude is, does he have any particular likes or dislikes regarding these plans? If he does, he should tell his and you should tell yours and that's that. You're lucky you can afford travelling for two months, the time and the money, you should enjoy this time, not waste it with arguments. Nagging him won't do the trick. Either ask him if he has any preferences and then plan the holiday yourself, or tell him to do it if he has better ideas.

[laylie]

thank you Karvala.

 

I dont like being spoken to that way espically my someone who is my bf. Its uncalled for.

 

I got no clue why he doesn't like speaking about it over net/text. I think maybe thinks get lost in communication or something. But i have no other choice. See him once a week, at night, after 7pm on a saturday, its unliekly we are going to go through travel arrangements.

 

I think he does have that 'turn up and ee what happens'. He wants to not be tied down in one place for a certain amoutn of days incase it turns out to be not what we expected, and therefore you can just move on. that might work in theory but i dont think it will in real life. Unless your backpacking. We arn't. We will be staying in hotels - at least 3 stars. He has germ phobias so you know, things have to be clean. Trying to find a clean good hotel in europe with a days notice for a good price? good luck. and at NY's/Xmas. He wont stay in hostels.

 

im jsut gonna give him some time too cool down after that message. ievery time i try ot arrange something or get his opinion on something i get yelled at (or a message like that one) and told he doens't like discussing it over text. I might ask a simple question like 'would you want to take a train to germany from france instead of flying?" and i'll get a response like before.

[laylie]

Are you sure there isn't any easier way you two can plan this peacefully? You obviously have different views on how this whole thing should be organized. It is a holiday after all, I think you shouldn't get all stressed over these issues. I don't really understand what his attitude is, does he have any particular likes or dislikes regarding these plans? If he does, he should tell his and you should tell yours and that's that. You're lucky you can afford travelling for two months, the time and the money, you should enjoy this time, not waste it with arguments. Nagging him won't do the trick. Either ask him if he has any preferences and then plan the holiday yourself, or tell him to do it if he has better ideas.

 

I dont know. Im trying to find out stuff, where to stay etc, and i'll ask him a simple question and get yelled at. All i want is his opinion. 'Do you liekt he look of this hotel'....a yes/no/maybe will do but i dont get that i get a 'IVE TOLD YOU I DONT LIKE TO DISCUSS THIS OVER THE NET OR TEXT'.....

 

so it stops me in my tracks. i cant continue working stuff out for it. im stuck. i cant go further.

 

am i nagging him? how am i doing that?

 

See i ask him his preferences but i get yelled at and the above text in caps shouted at me....