It's been a while

[Janx]

This is long....I apologize.

 

 

My boyfriend and I have been...together now for over a year. Yes, we eventually had sex...and we still do...we've sort of compromised in that I don't give him BJs (he's still virulently against them...despite my attempts...). He says they feel nice (I rather sort of made him promise that he'd let me a couple of times) but he still out right refuses me to even get close. I however, am allowed to give him hand jobs...or at least fondle him. So things are going great...

 

Well, sort of...

 

Recently he's become distant again. I don't really understand why. I tried to figure it out on my own a little and have ruled out another woman (though the chances of it being another woman was pretty close to nil...he adores me...too much sometimes). When I say distant I don't just mean physically. We talk adn he talks back and we have this conversation and it just...I don't know...it seems that two hours after we've had the conversation I realize that he really never said anything at all. I mean he spoke, and I spoke and we held an actual conversation but then when I think about what he actually said I realize that he's said nothing at all. It's infuriating because he's so good at it that I don't even realize he's doing it until he's gone back home or to an errand or...whatever.

 

And he's like that in the bedroom too...we'll start having sex and it's so nice and he treats me so well...and then all of a sudden he's tired...or doesn't feel like it...and I'm just sort of I don't know left wondering what happened. Before anything else is said I should say that usually what happens is that we play around a bit and then he starts getting serious (he starts to move towards going down on me) and usually he gets me at least very close (close enough that I could probably do the rest myself) or actually has me arrive at orgasm (I swear the man internalizes everything I tell him...like a sponge). It's after this that he sort of...just kind of says 'jeesh, I'm kind of tired...' or 'Is that the time!?' or something like that...and if he ends up staying over...and I try to get things fired up again he sort of just...shrugs it off and says 'I'm really tired...'.

 

I've asked him what's wrong and he just sort of says that it isn't thing to worry about or I ask him if he feels ok and then he says 'I'm fine...'...the thing is he is always 'fine' (the man could have a sword stabbed through his chest and he'd be fine). I mean I know his mom isn't doing well, and I fully understand him not wanting to if things are not going well (I'm not a maniac). I just don't understand the reason why he's acting like he wants to only to sort of give up after the first few bits.

 

I have tried talking to him about stuff, but I don't get much out of him and the more I try to help or ask if he needs help the more angry he'll get at me....at one point he got really angry and told me 'it's none of your business just leave me the hell alone...'. Which well broke my heart a little. I cried like instantly. Over the next week I swear I've never seen so many flowers and little presents...but I never saw him...when I finally did see him like a week or so later he looked...like someone had kicked the crap out of him...he was all ragged around the edges...and he sagged...(posture wise). I asked about it and of course all I got was a round about answer that led nowhere.

 

I just don't get him. He's so sweet and he's absolutely dedicated to me. I love him to no end, he makes me smile and when I'm with him it's amazing. But it feels like he's...always concerned about something...and I'll catch it at times a little flash of it just behind his eyes a flicker of worry. I've asked his friends and they don't know anything...which actually isn't that surprising...his friends don't know that much about him; frighteningly little (I had to ask his dad when his birthday was...which was another fiasco because he just wouldn't accept anything from me...as a gift [He actually paid for his birthday supper we had, he did it while I was in the bathroom; I was livid]).

 

I guess I'm just worried that somethings wrong...I don't know...I mean it isn't really serious...I just am concerned...and I don't know what to do.

[loulee]

have tried talking to him about stuff, but I don't get much out of him and the more I try to help or ask if he needs help the more angry he'll get at me....at one point he got really angry and told me 'it's none of your business just leave me the hell alone...'. Which well broke my heart a little. I cried like instantly. Over the next week I swear I've never seen so many flowers and little presents...but I never saw him...when I finally did see him like a week or so later he looked...like someone had kicked the crap out of him...he was all ragged around the edges...and he sagged...(posture wise). I asked about it and of course all I got was a round about answer that led nowher

 

 

 

I think it sounds pretty serious personally he is a 'dark horse" isnt he..he reveals little about himself..he seems to emotionally detach almost in a heartless way and then feels intense remorse (the gifts) without actually confronting you or addressing you in person, he treats sex almost indifferently, in a take it or leave it fashion, and he does not to like to engage in receiving oral sex..this is also off centre...I find from what you have written his behavour to be very disturbing overall.. Has he suffered any abuse as a child sexual/emotional..????

 

I wonder if he is a manic depressant...(black moods..withdrawal) I honestly feel you need to learn FAR MORE about him on every level...his childhood his background not just the surface stuff the emotional stuff...you are already showing signs also of becoming emotionally co dependant/ controlled due to his outbursts and mood swings..something is not right here not at all!!..have you spent time with his family???do you know his families mental history?? I would explore these avenues.. And next time you spend time with him here is a little test you can do..ZIP IT(your mouth)..say very little to him let HIM do all the talking and you just agree or make small comments..see what he is REALLY contributing to this relationship...it seems you are more confused by his behavour as opposed to knowing or understanding him well..and quite frankly his behavour does not quite fit in the healthy well adjusted section...start digging and see what you can really learn..I strongly feel there is far more to this...I also feel that you have a very problematic relationship that is currently far from healthy...have a good think about this...there are quite a few alarm bells ringing..

[CB4RH]

This doesnt sound TOO unhealthy to me, he obviously cares about you alot as you have stated, i think in his current state if he was going to act violently towards you then he would have. Has this behaviour been going on for a while now? I can fully appreciate what you have stated, as i realised i was acting in this very same way a few months ago when i had my car accident. Any kind of trauma or just even a mistake that a man endures can bring him to down to this dark level if he cares enough.

You said that he is somewhat against oral sex? I think loulee is correct in saying that you should do some digging into his past, it sounds very much like a past trauma or a childhood event that might have made him act and feel this way. Remember; you are entirely in your right to know what is going on with him, hes your lover for pete's sake. Obviously his negative and subdued behaviour is having an effect on you. I suggest an upfront, yet passive "conversation" in that you "kindly' demand his honesty using reasons like "its hurting me to see you like this".

 

My girl said these things to me, and my dark negative and stubborn attitude was washed away as soon as i realised i was hurting her. Maybe he will do the same?

 

Do not subject him or provoke him though, this will only make things 1000000x worse.!

 

Good luck!

[Janx]

I've met his family...they are nice people on their own. His mom and dad are a bit dysfunctional though. His mother can be a bit demanding in a very unobvious way. His dad is a lot like him very quiet but sweet and clever, but he hides everything behind a shrug and a shake of the head. I've never seen his parents kiss or act affectionate, but then again they are in their late sixties early seventies. So I never actually I guess tagged that.

 

I've tried the not talking thing and he ends up starting conversations, not about the relationship but about things like his work (he's doing some stuff with a graduate student now) and he gets excited but truth be told a lot of what he talks about goes right over my head and well I'll catch a look from him that basically says 'you have no idea what I'm talking about...' and then he sort of slumps down and apologizes and then I feel a bit bad I guess, because there are times I just sort of chatter away about stupid things like coworker gossip and movies and silly stuff and he sits there smiling at me and nodding his head and then and then a few weeks later he'll ask me how something is going at work having remembered from our conversation; I just don't know anything that has to do with himself and his family he just doesn't talk about.

 

I guess I've asked his friends but like I said...they don't seem to know that much and what they do know doesn't always gell. I've been to his house and nothing seems out of the ordinary, no secret closets with half dead people or anything....

 

It's just, I worry. I've told him that I am worried when he gets like this and his reply is that I shouldn't. That whatever it is he'll deal with it. And I told him that I could help and he just sort of dismissed it. When we had the fight over his birthday I was just so infuriated, and all he would say is that he didn't need it and that he didn't want any gifts. He doesn't like people making a fuss about him evidently his mom told me that it was a pain in the ass to get him ready for graduation because he was intent on not going through with the ceremony. I know he's won awards nice state and national ones, but I've never seen them in his house. A couple of times he's helped my friends and I do some housework stuff and we've thanked him, and he just doesn't accept it he gives all the credit to someone else, but when it comes to blame he always is blaming himself about stuff especially in the relationship. I don't know how many times our arguments haven't been so much about how it's someone's fault but whether or not it's his fault (I was late for a date once and he still finangled it to being his fault for wanting it in the first place](*,)).

 

The sex is really nice; he's very sweet, but it's a bit unadventurous. I tried to get rough with him once or twice and I accidently hurt my hand play tusseling with him; he wouldn't touch me for a week afterwards. I've tried other stuff, and he just sort of doesn't like it. I mean we've done it in a number of places outside the bedroom but it's always the same general theme. It's not that it isn't satisfying or that I resent the lack of divsersity it's just that sometimes it seems like he's not quite always there when we're going at it and not in a 'he's fantasizing about Sarah Michelle Geller' sort of way but rather a more 'he's making a mental grocery list while he's doing me' sort of way. Like he's totally silent and I've asked him about that and he basically said he thought he sounded like a dork doing those sorts of moans.

 

I've asked him if he likes having sex with me and he always replies yes (sometimes he'll say 'why wouldn't I'). He's always telling me that he thinks I'm the most sexy woman ever and stuff like that I just wish he just keeps things to himself like he's afraid of something.

[Janx]

Well, we had dinner here a couple of nights ago. We were eating and I didn't say anything and he kind of kept looking at me and then asked if there was anything wrong. I said 'no' and smiled at him and asked the question to him. He didn't say anything so I went back to eating. We sat there for a good few minutes just us eating and he looked up at me and said 'There really isn't anything wrong?'. I just smiled at him and said no and just replied that if there was he'd know. I may have overplayed my hand there though because he sort of did his eyebrow raise of 'ok...I'll just go with whatever game your playing'. I didn't say anything more about it and so we were washing dishes together and he looked at me and said, 'you realize that my mom plays this game too, right?' I didn't say anything. He sighed and shook his head and we finished washing the dishes.

 

So we watched some TV together and I was nuzzled against him all cozy and everything was going great and he all of a sudden said, 'It's none of your business...you shouldn't be worried about anything'.

 

I guess I kind of broke then. Him telling me that something isn't my business when it has consistently affected our relationship just about tears me up inside everytime. And I half mumbled half blurted out that it was my business because he was being a depressed jerk more often and how that made me feel horrible inside.

 

He did his naughty little boy not looking in my eyes routine and said 'You shouldn't worry because it isn't important...'. I kind of growled about how it must be important because if it wasn't it wouldn't be a big secret. He said it wasn't a secret and that I shouldn't worry about it. I asked him point blank why and he just said that it was something to do with him and that it didn't concern me and that he really wanted me to stop worrying about it. I told him that I could try and help him which he basically interrupted me and said 'I couldn't help...because it was personal'. I told him that if it was personal then it was my business because we're in this relationship together and that I should know. He looked at me and basically said 'I don't want you worrying about it because you can't do anything about it and it's silly for you to have to be worried about it'. I just shook my head and said that he was always listening to my personal problems and worrying about me all the time (the man does so much to help me, he has run my errands because I couldn't get off work which I had to get done so I could go to a wedding, without asking he just knew I needed help). He said that was different because it was me and he said that his problems weren't something he wanted me to bother with because they weren't as important.

 

After that he basically said he was done talking about it and after we watched a little more TV, in basically silence. Then he said that he probably should leave and well did.

 

This is the sort of crap I'm talking about. We had a conversation about this and he still has revealed nothing. I just don't get him. If he was so freaking worried about me not worrying why doesn't he just tell me what's up so I can stop worrying about it!?

[loulee]

I am thinking that perhaps whatever is bothering him it is very deep rooted..painful..embarrassing for him perhaps, makes him feel very uncomfortable..he may simply not KNOW how to talk about it with you..or to anyone..it concerns me that he cannot confide in you..but dependant upon the nature of this problem this could be well justified...its all a bit of a puzzle..

you need to address this in a more loving'i care about you sort of way'..not in a frustrated' I have had enough of this' type of way. he is more likely to share things with you that may be troubling him if you express kindness and understanding without any of the obvious frustration you must be feeling..sometimes discussing matters can all be about timing..so choose yours carefully, make it when you are feeling very close or intimate.....And ensure that when you do attempt to get him to open up to you that at no time are you criticising him..I am still concerned that you have little understanding of him...When he mentioned his mother doing this I would have asked him gently what exactly does his mother do..maybe you can reach him more indirectly by asking more questions lightly about his childhood..his favourite parent...etc, how he spent his holidays etc...sometimes you will learn more in a round about sort of way..overall he seems to be a bit of hard work at times..and this is hardly a good thing..I still feeel this problem may be of a sexual nature also. or his low libido/ sexual interest is a sympton of another perhaps much deeper problem...you do need to make him aware at some point that it is placing distance between you and you do wish this to happen..keep your approach positive..do not use threats.ulitmatums or other negative things they are by far very destructive..if you go gently he may just tell you in his own time...just try and be a little patient with him ..he does obviously care for you...wait and see...

[Janx]

I am thinking that perhaps whatever is bothering him it is very deep rooted..painful..embarrassing for him perhaps, makes him feel very uncomfortable..he may simply not KNOW how to talk about it with you..or to anyone..it concerns me that he cannot confide in you..but dependant upon the nature of this problem this could be well justified...its all a bit of a puzzle..

 

I don't know what's bothering him. He says so little...He can talk and talk and talk and say nothing. Like I said I hold whole conversations with him where at the end of it he's not really said anything at all...

 

I don't even know if it's painful or not. I mean sometimes we'll have this conversation and he'll be really flippant about it...and sometimes he'll just get angry. He just keeps saying that he doesn't want me to be concerned about it and that it's stupid for me to even care about it.

 

I don't think he confides in anyone. I've talked to his dad and even his mom about things and they say 'that he's always been that way' (I guess even when he had problems at school he wouldn't tell his parents). He was one of those kids that spent every night of his childhood at home; he never had many friends, he didn't go to parties (he didn't go to his prom). His mom was so happy when we met. They were so happy that he even had a girlfriend. She sat down with me and told me that I shouldn't expect too much, because 'he doesn't know much about doing certain things'. And she told me all about how he was such a good boy and sweet and everything.

 

 

you need to address this in a more loving'i care about you sort of way'..not in a frustrated' I have had enough of this' type of way. he is more likely to share things with you that may be troubling him if you express kindness and understanding without any of the obvious frustration you must be feeling..sometimes discussing matters can all be about timing..so choose yours carefully, make it when you are feeling very close or intimate.....And ensure that when you do attempt to get him to open up to you that at no time are you criticising him..I am still concerned that you have little understanding of him...

 

I understand some of it. I just think that we should past this by now. Some of the sex stuff had to do with his poor self-image (which admittedly he's not exactly a svelt but ruggedly handsome underwear model but he's not as unattractive as he seems to think he is). He still has issues with me looking at him naked...and well he was a virgin when we...started and I....wasn't. And he still has...little tic's about things like, if I come out of the shower naked and happen to to be naked in the hall or happen to just try and surprise him with something a little kinky he'll look away like he's ashamed. I find it kind of cute in a way...usually.

 

Some of it is unnerving. There are days where he just seems to be terrified of everything. He'll get twitchy and excitable and I'll reach out to touch him or comfort him and before my hand gets close to him, he'll just shrink away and shake his head and he'll just say 'Just don't touch me...it hurts'. It was really bad when I was first trying to convince him to have sex with me (the previous threads I've put up) but it got better after awhile, he still gets weird about being touched though. It really worried me at first and I asked him if there was a reason for it and he just sort of looked at me like I was crazy and didn't say anything. I asked his parents about it and they just said that they weren't 'that kind of family'. I guess it makes sense, I've never seen his mom and dad kiss or hug or even hold hands...

 

When he mentioned his mother doing this I would have asked him gently what exactly does his mother do..maybe you can reach him more indirectly by asking more questions lightly about his childhood..his favourite parent...etc, how he spent his holidays etc...sometimes you will learn more in a round about sort of way..overall he seems to be a bit of hard work at times..and this is hardly a good thing..I still feeel this problem may be of a sexual nature also. or his low libido/ sexual interest is a sympton of another perhaps much deeper problem...you do need to make him aware at some point that it is placing distance between you and you do wish this to happen..keep your approach positive..do not use threats.ulitmatums or other negative things they are by far very destructive..if you go gently he may just tell you in his own time...just try and be a little patient with him ..he does obviously care for you...wait and see...

 

I've tried this and he sort of just ignores the questions or says 'it's not that important' or 'I can't remember'. Eventually he gets frustrated and asks me to stop playing these 'games'. He'll say things like 'I didn't do anything' or 'you know the same old same old'. When it comes to doing things he doesn't want to do or talk about things he doesn't want to talk about he just avoids it and if I happen to hit a nerve or actually get him to come kicking and screaming into the conversation he'll just not talk to me for a couple of days. I think he thinks I'll forget about it if he just let's it go...or I'll make a choice about it.

 

I think he means that his mom can be...bossy. She can be a bit...pouty when she doesn't get her way, and she will guilt trip you into doing things she wants.

 

I worry about him though. I mean we had a date this weekend and afterwards we were sitting on my couch and watching some late night TV and I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek and I could feel him just bristle. I of course thought I'd done something wrong and I asked him. He looked at me and asked if I really wanted to be with him. It came out of left field, totally out of left field. I of course said that I did and he just looked so sad and I had no idea what to say afterwards, he looked so defeated and tired. I sometimes wonder if he really thinks that I don't want to be with him. He soemtimes says things like 'I don't understand why you want to be with me', and while yes when you put it in text it sounds obvious but he'll say it in that 1940s Humphrey Bogart 'I don't know how you put up with an old rogue like me' way that sounds like he's just messing around but now that I think about it; I think that he does actually think that maybe I don't want to be with him.

 

He breaks my heart sometimes. I can tell him that I love him and I can do things for him and he'll just act like I've told him he was a loser. It's like he doesn't understand that I actually do care about him...I mean he still gives me gifts and stuff a lot (I mean weekly) and it was cute for the first few weeks and then it was rather sentimental the first month or two and then it was 'you really don't have to'...and now I don't know it's aggravating because if I gave him a gift like he gave gifts to me...he wouldn't take it 'because he doesn't need it'. As if I need his constant gifts all the time...but I guess that's the thing, he seems to think I do need the gifts...and everything. Whenever he does need something he won't say...he'll scrape and scrape and scrape for the cash or suffer through it...it never occurs to him that he could get some help.