Breaking the pattern of getting back together.

[adaftpunkfan]

First time poster, interested in some advice.

 

I've been with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend for 9 months. We have broken up twice and gotten back together within a day or two each time. Today, we broke up for a third time. The first two break-ups were for stupid reasons, but this one was due to some pretty real differences.

 

Aside from "official break-ups", we've nearly/unofficially called it quits many times, always drawn back to each other within even hours after the fact.

 

The pattern here is that we end things, and get back together. I need to break this pattern because if I keep going, I will keep getting hurt.

 

What is the best way to do this? I tell myself "this time I'm gonna not respond to her, this time I won't take her back, this time things have gone too far", and soon enough we're a couple again.

 

I need some concrete ideas.

[Endless]

First step if you really want to break it off for good is to cut any contact you have with her. Take her off your facebook, msn and other such technologies.

 

Second, you need to get your mind off her. Go out with friends and do stuff, it will help you pass the time without thinking of her and wanting to contact her. Keep busy.

 

Lastly, its all about will power. Keep telling yourself that is for your own good.

 

Good luck mate, wish you the best.

[Edi]

Do you really want to get rid of her?? well it's not worth it if you keep getting hurt... try talking it over with her tell her that you don't like it this way and you don't want to get hurt anymore.... get together again and see how things work... maybe things will turn out for the best... who knows....

[sparkles4]

I don't know that much about your relationship, but if you've broken up and gotten back together that many times over the course of nine months, I'd say something about it isn't working and it may be time to move on. Know the reasons why the relationship is not going to work and remind yourself of these reasons when you start thinking about going back to her.

[pinkrobot]

I do agree with sparkles.

 

But, can you be more specific about the reasons for these breakups? You say you get back together just hours after the fact, so are you really "breaking up," or are you two just having a hard time learning how to resolve disagreements/arguments? Since you said "stupid reasons," it almost sounds like maybe you have a fight and instead of resolving it, you break up?

 

Again, though...nine months is WAY too early in a relationship to be having that many issues. If you get back together again and break up again, you need to go NC right away if you want to break the cycle. And like Endless said, do anything in your power to keep your mind off of her. Take up a hobby, surround yourself with friends, volunteer somewhere...whatever it takes.

[Chickenjuice]

Who usually does the breaking up and who usually makes the first move at reconciling?

It sounds like you usually break up with her, and she usually convinces you to reconcile, am I right? Is it usually sparked by an argument?

[Difficult]

Why have you guys been fighting/breaking up?

[Anonybrit]

During the 2 years I spent with my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend we broke up probably 6 times, 3 times in a serious way, 3 times in a "break up for an hour or two" way.

 

The reason why became obvious. There was something about her the upset me and I couldn't live with (often, without her realising it, selfish and self-centered). I loved her too much to ever dream of leaving her for it, but no matter how many times I spoke to her sincerely asking her to change, she didn't - it got a bit better, but her heart wasn't really in it, she hadn't changed her mindset she was just tempering the old one slightly.

 

I ended up bottling up the feelings of disappointment and depression at the things she'd do that upset me so that our time together could be pleasant.

 

Then we she went back home 2 hours away, after a few weeks when the tension of long distance arrived, the next time she reacted badly all that bottled up pain would come flooding out. Because I didn't want to leave her, I instead tried to hurt her, and did some horrible things.

 

Maybe in your situation someone is bottling things up and it's fueling small arguments, making them bigger?

 

You don't want arguments to keep getting more and more enflamed and for your relationship to slowly become built on resentment and emotional one-up-manship. My girlfriend, I think because of her family history, naturally viewed me as an enemy whenever we had an issue and this will quickly lead to such situations.

 

If so you need to really talk deeply about it with each other, my ex would try to avoid talking about her feelings and no matter how long I left it after an argument she would still be too stubborn to see my point of view. If you find yourself in the same situation all I can say is, big trouble is ahead, do whatever you can to fix it before it's too late.

[adaftpunkfan]

Thank you for the advice, guys. I'm going to try NC at this point. To answer your individual questions:

 

I don't really want to get rid of her but I recognize the pattern.

Our breakups are usually out of frustration, but the latest one was legitimate.

There is no usual. She's broken up with me, I've broken up with her, etc.

Bottling things up has been a problem for us.