unfortunately No contact helps the other person move on too

[kate111]

I am starting to question this no contact rule.

 

My boyfriend went away and met someone else. When he got back he told me and I freaked and did no contact.

 

Now the other girl is living with him. Maybe I should have fought for him more.

 

He doesn't bother to call me at all any more.

 

Wonder if he ever thinks about me or misses me. What do you think?

 

Is it ever too late to get them back?

 

Maybe it is cleverer (if you can be strong enough) to do a kind of modified no contact.

 

No contact helps oneself to heal, but the problem with it is that it also forces the other person that it is being used on to move on as well. Pretty soon they will forget all about you.

 

Am i right in thinking this?

 

Does anyone have any suggestions, other than no contact about getting an ex back? Is there any other method?

 

Also has anyone read the ebook link removed?, what do they recommend?

[mick8888]

i really agree with you ... in a past relationship (about 8 years ago) i got dumped by my ex-fiancee after five years together, and after about a month of angry and crying phone calls i did the no contact thing for about 6 months ... then, she called and i talked to her and she was in another relationship and she told me something to the extent of "i thought you would fight to keep me" ... now she's married ... truth of the matter is that now i'm 100% over it and ultimately i'm glad we didn't get married, but still, i do think that sometimes the no-contact thing can have the opposite from the desired effect.

[Zatara]

The joys of breaking up. I hear you loud and clear. My last real serious gf and I broke up 2 years ago (long story but the money was almost accumulated for an engagement ring). I questioned everything about myself and made some very big changes in my life. Essentially everyting I thought was wrong with me I improved while doing the no contact thing. Yes, like you I had the hope of getting back together with her. Darn girl ran off and found this guy that was perfect for her and got married 8 mos after we broke up. He's a great guy whom I have met so inside I was happy for her. On the other hand, I also wondered if I should have done more to get her back. The only problem was she was now married. If I had done something I would have been the crazy ex that couldn't let it go. He's living with her now so unfortunately there is little to nothing you can do without coming off as crazy. Besides, I'd be worried if I got back with her again she'd leave me again (have gotten back with 4 ex's and 0 have worked out). Two years later her breaking up with me was the best thing possible for my life. Career, physically, mentally, etc I am a much better man than before. I don't have her but I know she's happy. I also know that the things in my life that affected me while dating her are gone. I may not be perfect but I also know just about everything in my life is more conducive to a solid meaningful relationship. She also helped me figure out a lot of qualities I want in a woman. Anyways, I believe after a hard breakup like this the best thing you can do is make yourself the best possible person you can be putting yourself first for a while. Then next time you know that you have your life together in every way possible and the guy would have to be a moron not to be with you. It's time to forget the "no contact rule" and either concentrate on yourself or start dating a bunch of guys quick. Wouldn't it be nice if there was a pill to make the pain go away?

[kate111]

I think my boyfriend wanted me to fight for him too.

 

He was confused about which woman he wanted and by shutting him out I made him choose the other woman.

 

I was too proud to wait around for him to choose and instead just got angry and left and refused to talk to him.

 

Oops.

 

What should I do now?

[ravens_folly]

I don't really know a whole lot about this subject, I just posted asking for help on what to do to get my ex back. However, I do think that the no contact does work, but it only works if you had a very strong connection in the first place.

 

I know I miss my ex terribly, but I have to try this no contact thing, the only blessing I have is that he works so much and where he lives, there is really no serious risk of him finding someone else. He also spends a lot of time by himself at work, and I know there are numerous things back at his home that would remind him of me constantly.

 

If there is no way for him to remember you then it will be easier for him to move on.... but I do know that constantly trying to talk to them, or see them only make it worse as well, especially if they don't want to. If they want to come to you then they will, if they don't then there obviously wasn't a strong enough connection in the first place.

 

I guess I am lucky in one way, is that I believe we had a strong enough connection in the first place that maybe will time I will be able to get him back. I don't know for sure, but after all the time I spent with him at his barn, and all the things that are there to remind him, then I know no matter how hard he tries, a part of me is always there.

 

The thing is, there really is no exact set rule. You yourself know, or at least should know what your ex is like, personality, and action wise. Sometimes we may think they don't think about us at all, but the truth is, anyone who has been in your life long enough, you will think about now and then. I don't know what kind of advice to offer, but for you to do what you feel is right when you have your mind clear about what it is you want and how you feel you should go about doing it. Which does mean getting others opinions and reading about other strategies that work.

 

I know my plan is not to speak with my ex until he calls me. I didn't think he would, but his birthday is tomorrow. I haven't seen or spoke with him for over two weeks. His mother asked me to paint a picture of his Dog for his birthday so I did. And I also sent him the gift I bought him before we broke up. I know the picture of his dog will at least soften his heart some, because I know how proud of my artwork he was. I don't know if he will call me or not, but I wrote a note in his birthday card letting him know that I wanted him to be happy and that I have spent sometime thinking about everything and that he was right about everything how it wouldn't work, etc.

I hope it works, but I don't know for sure. I know though in my heart that I still love him, but I had to learn the hard way what it was I was doing and how it affected him. Sometimes good things come from painful situations!

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, follow what your heart tells you to do, but use your head when making your decisions. You should be able to judge what actions may work, and may not. But you must weigh all potential results equally and be prepared for whatever happens. We can make choices for ourselves, but we can't make other's choices, so basically do your best to let him know what you want and that he has a choice. But ultimately in this case, the choice is his.

 

I hope everything works out for you though, and try to see the best in every situation.

[ms29zippy]

I have or am still having the exact same problem except tht im gay and its wiv another guy and im 18, apart frm tht were in the same boat. Do u feel how i do, tht why is it he can move on with life and forget about me where as im still hung up about him? The hardest thing to do is forget about the past, especially when the past was happier than the present and yet this is a time u need for reflecting.Did u or do u still love him? Love is wanting the other one to be happy before urself, is this the case here? Love is the truth sometimes it will prevail and sometimes it will hurt, im afraid there arent always happy ending (im cryin as this is written because i know how much it can hurt believe me). Its so so hard to except when a loved ones gone n its not easy to do tht but it seems like u need to, u cant use methods to try and win him bk, thts not right on him or u, u cannot force sum1 to like or love u, u cannot force sumone to be with u, sumtimes we have to let go, u dont want to i know but there is not one right person out there for every1, this isnt ur only chance of happiness,this can be overcome, if u tried to get him bk using these methods then ur being selfish and thts not on, its the hardest thing to except but u have to respect his wishes, it is time to let go, it is time to move on, yes take the memories with u, but dont let them eat and ebb away at u, do not feel bitter, do not down, keep ur head held high and turn the page to a new chapter, i know this wasnt what u wanted to hear but it is the only way u can be happy, im sry!!! take care now ok xxx

[kate111]

The problem for me was that my boyfriend went away for about 5 months and we had lost our physical intimacy. He met someone else.

 

Then when he came back and told me of the girl I tirned my back to him.

 

Was this the right thing to do?

 

Maybe I applied no contact in the werong situation because we had already lost our closeness.

 

I can't help hoping that the thing with the new girl will fizzle out and I can be there for him in the end. How can I do that?

 

Should I forgive him for meeting someone else and not telling me until he got back?

[ravens_folly]

personally, if my b/f went away for 5 months on me and even though we had lost physical contact, I would expect him to remain faithful if he truly loved me in the first place.

 

If he can go with someone else and not tell you, then he didn't care enough for you in the first place. You are probably better off with someone who has more respect for you than that.

 

Weigh the pros and cons of him and the situation, if the pros outweight the cons and you can live with what happened, then you should go with what you feel is right. But if you can't then, he probably wasn't worth it in the first place.

[ms29zippy]

Hey lozza (tht spelt right),

 

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, yet it is one of the most rewarding, bitterness, self pity n resentment will not get u newhere. Yes maybe he should have told he had met sumone but maybe the fact he didnt feel he should or had to tell you shows tht he is moving on.We all live on hope, and yet hope never turns to reality, im not saying theres no chance at all ever ever again but maybe for the time being u shld try n concentrate on YOU and only YOU.There are many ways in which u can hope, tht he realises this other girl is not as gd as u and all tht but please do not live on hope, im only 18 but hope has laready let me down so many times.Do u feel tht u can only have him in ur life as a partner or cld u still be friends, u neva know if u two became friends u might find out what went on and maybe able to get sum closure on it all, hope is an evil thing, im still living on hope n i cant c why i keep thinkin tht if i like him he will like me, tht as long as i have hope he will cum bk, but no its not like tht,forgive him YES, be friends with him YES, but hoping he will be something u want cannot make u happy, im sry if im not cheering u up

[kate111]

I can understand that he needed to have sex with other people. We are both highly sexed. I even understand how he could have gotten off track. Just don't understand why he didn't tell me.

 

Have I done the right thing in refusing to talk to him?

 

I have forgiven him. Should I tell him that? Or just wait til we see each other.

[ms29zippy]

I cannot advise or decide for u whether u shld tell him now but there is a simple way to finding out the answer, what does ur heart tell u to do? not ur head but ur heart? follow tht n u cant go wrong, u may not get an answer u want but u know u wld have approached in the way u wanted. As to u ignoring him, of course ur going to regret it, but u cant dwell on tht, if he wants to contact u then he will, if u want to tlk to him then make the bold move n contact, ask him ova for a chat, invite him for drink sumwhere, maybe say to him tht u want sum closure, im not entirely sure to be honest, but at times like this dont be thinkin in ur head be thinkin in ur heart

[kate111]

But what about in my situation.

 

Had a long relationship. Apart for 5 months but in weekly or twice weekly contact. Then when he came back and told me of the other girl I lost it and shouted at him then completely cut off contact. He tried to contact me a few times but I refused to answer. I passed him on the street and ignored him.

 

It has been about 2 months since he tried to contact me and about 4 months since he got back and told me of his new girl.

 

Should I try to contact or should I just wait until he contacts me or we see each other?

 

 

Should I just act apathetic? Will this annoy him?

[kate111]

I want to handle this graciously. If we are meant to be together then we are meant to be together. If we arent then I can accept that. I think.

 

But should I actually bother to be his friend?

 

Would it be humiliating for me to be friends with him after what he did?

 

His girlfriend before me was the dominating kind and I was the complete opposite. I let him do whatever he wanted and trusted him completely. That is half the reason he went away, because I supported him going away for work.

 

Maybe he needs a girlfriend who keeps him in line? What do you think?

[kate111]

he went away for 5 months and he met someone else but didn't tell me about it. He should have had the respect to break it off with me or decide either way which one of us he wanted.

 

 

Meanwhile I waited around for 5 months for him to come back.

 

I still don't understand why he did this. I could never get an answer out of him.

 

He waits until he comes back to tell me the great news.

[kate111]

He was originally going to go away for only a couple of months when he left so we didn't arrange to break up or anything. I just assumed i'd wait.

 

He went for work. He wanted to go and I didn't want him to lose opportunities.

 

But he got offered another job over there and ended up staying longer and longer until it turned into 5 months. He kept my hope alive by telling me that the job was about to end and that he would be home soon.

[kate111]

Yeah. When he came back I kept questioning him about what was happening and he just kept saying "i don't know" so I couldn't get any answers about it from him.

 

He told me he was happy to see me. He told me he had been with her about a month. He told me that he loved her.

 

I told him that he was selfish and cruel not to tell me. I told him that i had wasted 5 months of my life waiting for him. I told him that he was a cheat and a two timer. I told him to leave.

 

What do you make of that?

 

I think maybe I was a bit harsh on him eh?

[kate111]

He didn't really say anything because I felt really ripped off and was angry and basically just told him I never wanted to see him again and to piss off.

 

So I never really got any answers.

 

I didn't discuss our relationship when we were away until the very last month when I sent him a letter asking for more support in our relationship because I felt a bit taken for granted.

 

He basically just said sorry and that he was looking forward to seeing me soon.

 

My gut feeling tells me he just wanted to keep me waiting in case his other relationship didn't work out.

 

What do you think?

 

What do I do now?

[kate111]

If I think to myself that he fell in love with someone else and couldn't tell me because he wasn't sure of his feelings for me because I was so far away, then I can kind of forgive him.

 

Im no saint, and I know how it is when someone is far away. I know what can happen. I can excuse that.

 

However it humiliates me that he was overseas with some friends that would have known about this romance with another before me. I was the last to know.

 

How do I avoid seeming like the poor doormat girlfriend who stupidly waited for the boyfriend unawares that he was screwing around with more glamorous and exotic girls, one of whom I was eventually left for?

 

Cos this is not what happened. I don't want people to feel sorry for me.

 

Im not sure if I want him back. But I definitely want him to want me back. Does that make sense?

 

It does not seem as if no contact has worked in this case. Or do I have to wait until I run into him again accidently?

[kate111]

Yeah exactly. I wonder how many people on this forum would actually really want their ex back if they actually managed to get them back?

 

So should I initiate contact or wait to bump into him?

 

Isn't it him that should be trying to crawl up to me?

 

Given the facts I have told you, would you forgive him and want to be his friend?