communication techniques...

[mr.mac]

I'm curious how you all go about communicating. I can't seem to get it right, no matter what I do. How do you deal with criticism? How do you deal with uncomfortable or awkward topics? How do you express your feelings? And how do you positively respond to a negative situation?

 

I usually start out ok with my GF, but then we end up like this ->

 

No good.

[Cognitive_Canine]

1. Recognize that conflict is inevitable in meaningful relationships. Conflict can provoke eustress (good) or distress. We decide which…
   
2. Fighting and loving are not mutually exclusive. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. True lovers are fair fighters. I am capable of hating your behaviors and loving you at the same time.
   
3. Mental game playing is not fair fighting. Mind reading, sarcasm, the silent treatment, and passive aggressive moves are neither fair nor effective. Consider the long-term effects of short-term satisfactions. If you’re in a relationship for the long term, it’s important to consider the ramifications of your behaviors beyond the moment.
   
4. When making your argument, focus upon the present issue at hand. If you failed to fight about it three months ago, let it go. Kitchen-sinking and gunny-sacking are ugly and destructive.
   
5. It takes courage and consideration to fight well. Avoid stonewalling. Courageous fighters are not afraid to apologize. Considerate fighters are honorable, graceful, and empathic.
   
6. Communication is not a panacea. More talking doesn’t necessarily make things better. Sometimes it’s better to pray/journal/exercise your thoughts and feelings to clarify them, to put them into perspective, or to recognize the futility of going to the mat on this one. Consider carefully when, where, and how to share your frustrations and irritations.
   
7. Fight only if things will improve. We are vulnerable in relationships: belittling, abusing, or destroying others is both irresponsible and unethical.
   
8. Take responsibility for your feelings and actions. Others cannot make you angry, happy, or crazy. Rather than, "You’re wrong," try, "I disagree." Rather than, "You hurt me," consider, "I’m surprised that you said that to me. I don’t think that that’s true."
   
9. To every thing, there is a time. Criticism needs to be constructive. Allow your partner/colleague/ friend to save face. Fight in private and allow time to get issues out on the table. Don’t bring other friends and family members in to mediate.
   
10. Compromise, capitulation, and competition only manage a conflict. link removed resolves it.
    
11. Sometimes things are bigger than we are. While we may feel foolish, embarrassed and vulnerable, professional counselors, competent ministers, and a Higher Power can do wonders for helping us recognize new ways of looking at seemingly unmanageable problems.
    
12. When you’re wrong, apologize and mean it. When accepting your partner’s apology, do so with grace and dignity.
    

 

Fights should be "Fought" with logic and with the intent to make things better (not to prove yourself right).

[mr.mac]

thank you for sharing that!

[pinkelephant]

Things I've learned ... after 20 years...

 

- Consider their feelings when you say what you want to say. Say it if it'll make things better, but always think twice. Think about your intentions. Is it to make yourself feel better? Or to improve the relationship?

- If you are saying something hurtful, do NOT say it when you're angry. Collect yourself before saying anything that could be misconstrued.

- Be straight the point when it is needed. Beat around the bush, so to speak, other times, when the person you're talking to can't take a really blunt approach. You have to communicate according to your audience.

 

 

 

Btw, I love your avatar!

[mr.mac]

Thanks! I do often say things in anger and then I get so frustrated with myself when I do. We generally have these stupid conversations via email so I have time to respond, but I usually rapid-fire my responses. The worst part is that I then re-read what I wrote and then I'm like "damn it!"

 

Yeah, I like my avatar too! Did you see the movie?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Try not to argue over texts, email, AIM.

 

They don't put out tone. You can't tell if you said something that hurt your partner. And you can't tell if they are saying things calmly or angirly or crying their eyes out.

 

Say "we'll talk about it in person later" when you get in this situation.

 

Then think about all your points, write them down if you must, and present your arguments logically without any type of animosity or bitterness.

 

Take turns presenting arguments too.

[mr.mac]

Try not to argue over texts, email, AIM.

 

They don't put out tone. You can't tell if you said something that hurt your partner. And you can't tell if they are saying things calmly or angirly or crying their eyes out.

 

Say "we'll talk about it in person later" when you get in this situation.

 

Then think about all your points, write them down if you must, and present your arguments logically without any type of animosity or bitterness.

 

Take turns presenting arguments too.

 

I try not to argue at all! I generally don't have anything to argue about, but I find myself backed into corners about things and I can't stop myself from responding. It's an illness, I swear!

 

But I do know her "email tone" and it's pretty obvious when a fight is in the works. It's a good time!

[Cognitive_Canine]

I have one of those too....(Shame)

 

Usually it's when I start answering texts with "fine". That means something bad is about to go down. My boyfriend has gotten wise though.

[mr.mac]

I have one of those too....(Shame)

 

Usually it's when I start answering texts with "fine". That means something bad is about to go down. My boyfriend has gotten wise though.

 

heh. You women!

 

My favorite is the suddenly short responses, followed by "nothing's wrong", followed by a rant and a virtual shoulder shrug.

[Cognitive_Canine]

heh. You women!

 

My favorite is the suddenly short responses, followed by "nothing's wrong", followed by a rant and a virtual shoulder shrug.

 

Yeah, that's all me.

 

I try so hard to not let that happen though. I really do try.

 

We learn it from our mother's.

 

As a girl, we are taught not to be direct. If you are direct, you're a * * * * * . Automatically. Even if you say something in a none confrontational way.

[mr.mac]

Yeah, that's all me.

 

I try so hard to not let that happen though. I really do try.

 

We learn it from our mother's.

 

As a girl, we are taught not to be direct. If you are direct, you're a * * * * * . Automatically. Even if you say something in a none confrontational way.

 

You just got censored!

 

I'm really going to work on not being so responsive when I get stuck in these moments. It's hard not to, but the situational suddenly becomes about what a jerk I am instead of figuring out what the actual problem is.

[pinkelephant]

Thanks! I do often say things in anger and then I get so frustrated with myself when I do. We generally have these stupid conversations via email so I have time to respond, but I usually rapid-fire my responses. The worst part is that I then re-read what I wrote and then I'm like "damn it!"

 

Yeah, I like my avatar too! Did you see the movie?

 

I've gotten lots and lots better ..Hah.. still working on it though~. It's just so hard to be like "Oh, I see what you're saying here, it WAS my fault, I'm sorry.". Instead of, "well i did this but YOU did THAT" loll. & Yup! It's def one of my favs now.

 

Try not to argue over texts, email, AIM.

 

They don't put out tone. You can't tell if you said something that hurt your partner. And you can't tell if they are saying things calmly or angirly or crying their eyes out.

 

Say "we'll talk about it in person later" when you get in this situation.

 

Then think about all your points, write them down if you must, and present your arguments logically without any type of animosity or bitterness.

 

Take turns presenting arguments too.

 

 

yea, for SURE. i've gotten in so much trouble over texts/msn/emails. i joke around a lot too... which is so bad over msn when you're arguing loll.

[mr.mac]

I've gotten lots and lots better ..Hah.. still working on it though~. It's just so hard to be like "Oh, I see what you're saying here, it WAS my fault, I'm sorry.". Instead of, "well i did this but YOU did THAT" loll. & Yup! It's def one of my favs now.

 

I'm an expert at apologizing. I have way too much experience, sadly.

 

It's one of my favorites, too!

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'm liking this thread. Debaser_wolf's list is great. I've also learned the hard way to not exchange anything more than a quick flirtation or "what's for dinner" question over text or email. Bad things can happen otherwise. The one good thing we do, is when we notice we are starting down this path, one of us is on the phone immediately to find out what's really up.

 

I'm curious mr.mac, when you mentioned that some things get you angry and can't stop yourself from responding rapid fire and without forethought, is that because a trigger or hot button of yours has been hit? Does the issue become personal? Does this only happen over major, important issues, or can you get worked up over what color the sky is today? Or could the source of tension be because the two of you have different or somewhat incompatible arguing styles?

 

I feel these things sometimes too...just wondering.

[mr.mac]

I'm curious mr.mac, when you mentioned that some things get you angry and can't stop yourself from responding rapid fire and without forethought, is that because a trigger or hot button of yours has been hit? Does the issue become personal? Does this only happen over major, important issues, or can you get worked up over what color the sky is today? Or could the source of tension be because the two of you have different or somewhat incompatible arguing styles?

 

I feel these things sometimes too...just wondering.

 

I think it's that we are both so very sensitive that things get way too personal between us. We have argued over the smallest things. Almost embarrassingly small.