How do I know when I'm ready to face my ex?

[Something funny]

I thought I had come a long way. But when I bumped into my ex the other day, I realized the progress I'd made over the past month was not nearly enough. I was paralyzed and lost for words. And I'm not the person who usually gets nervous in ANY situation. I felt like those monkeys you see on animal planet, where one monkey brings his head down and admits that he's "not worthy" to another monkey. I simply wasn't ready, even though I though I had come a long way.

 

But how do I know when I'm ready to face my ex as a full person, without turning into a little shaking rabbit as soon as I see her?

[Dawn222]

Why do you think you felt the way you did when you saw her? Would it of helped if you were holding hands with a supermodel at the time? I say this because I have been there. We all want to let our ex's know that we are doing better without them and life couldn't be better. I kinda think that if this was the case, then you would of been fine with seeing your ex. Just something to think about. I am no expert but maybe once you feel better about yourself and your life then next time you see her you won't feel like such a monkey.

[Something funny]

But technically, I AM doing better. New job, been excercising, gotten lots of new friends.. actually, my life has never been better. On the outside.

 

The problem is, I still miss her like crazy. I don't know what do to about that problem though.

[Something funny]

I mean, people tell me I should meet up with her when I feel ready, strong and independent. And so far I HAVE been feeling those things, and I really thought I had come a long way. I thought I was going to be able to keep my cool. I knew exactly how to act.

 

But all those things just went out the window when we met. Sure, I didn't say anything stupid, but I was shaking like crazy and feeling inferior.

 

So how do I know when I'm ready to face her? Just feeling strong doesn't seem to cut it when the moment comes. Damn! I hate feeling inferior like that. I usually never feel like that around anyone.

[vfunkera]

Hey Something Funny,

 

A very common question surfacing from a very common scenario. The problem for many here is that little significant problem you highlighted in your post,

 

I still miss her like crazy. I don't know what do to about that problem though.

 

That is the problem. Look deep down inside you, and if you are still missing them, then i would argue that that is a sort of warning sign that you have not fully recovered, and those feelings are still there waiting to make a monkey out of you when we encounter that person. so what to do about it?

 

Ultimately, time will pass and time supposedly heals all wounds. But getting over something because we either start forgetting about it or get involved in something else may be the normal process of letting go, however it is definetly not the healthiest. It is rather passive, and can cause problems such as the one you faced during that encounter.

 

But technically, I AM doing better. New job, been excercising, gotten lots of new friends.. actually, my life has never been better. On the outside...But all those things just went out the window when we met. Sure, I didn't say anything stupid, but I was shaking like crazy and feeling inferior.

 

What you are doing now is more then enough. What you need to do however is stick to the plan- and step from good to great, to brilliant to best etc. Aim higher. The ex is something that drags you down a few steps, like it did recently.

 

I mean, people tell me I should meet up with her when I feel ready, strong and independent. And so far I HAVE been feeling those things, and I really thought I had come a long way. I thought I was going to be able to keep my cool. I knew exactly how to act.

 

Meeting the ex while still at the foot/early point of these steps can cause you to crash down, like you have done. You may feel great inside, but if that pest that keeps telling you 'you are missing her' is still fresh and alive, then everytime you intitiate contact, you feed it and it brings you down a few steps.

 

So how do I know when I'm ready to face her? Just feeling strong doesn't seem to cut it when the moment comes.

 

Speaking from experience, i set myself a 2 month no contact phase, where i would get myself together and let her miss me and then meet her. 5 months later, and i haven't looked back or thought about her, and i really don't care whether i meet her or not, because i do not have any feelings in me if i ever bump into her again.

 

When you are anticipating to meet them deep down inside, then be warned, you are not ready!!! You will only be ready to see them when you have reached the top of those stairs- when you have achieved full, true independance, when you have fully moved on. When you have fully moved on- you will no longer have the urge to meet them at every opportunity, or check on what they are doing, or if they have any dates.

 

Until you notice that you no longer have that urge and interest in them anymore, then you are not in a postion to go and initiate contact, and come out fully unscathed emotionally. Quite simply people, you will know inside you when you are ready to see her, because by then you won't be asking the question 'am i ready?'

 

Good luck

[SLBG]

Hi vfunkera,

 

Well I no exaclty how you feel.

 

My Ex fiancee walked out on me 7 weeks ago, we had been together for 5 years.

 

After the first 2 weeks we met up, I knew I wasnt ready but couldnt miss the oppertunity to see her. So we arrange to met the following day, I lay in bed tht night and cannot sleep. When the morning comes I wake up only having 3 hours sleep and start getting ready to see her.

 

I was so excited/nervous that I couldnt eat, the closer it got to her coming over the more ill I felt. I started getting stomach pains and ended up running in and out the of the bath room.

 

When she arrived, I told her I wasnt feeling to good, I was shacking. I felt so bad, I really wanted to see her and show her I was doing well but ralized she was making me physicaly ill.

 

Well after this meeting I didnt see her for weeks, started no contact and started to let go. I started to come to terms with the fact she was gone and was never coming back.

 

4 days ago she came to collect some clothes, it was pre arranged the previous day. I felt strong inside and thought that I was getting over her. But I still couldnt sleep, and didnt eat for a day.

 

Its been 7 weeks since the split, but ever time we arrange to meet I become physicaly ill. Im so nervious and my anxiety levels hit the roof.

 

I no its tough, after seeing her I just felt disappointed. Even though things didnt go 2 bad, they didnt go how I would of like them to.

 

I think we both have to give ourselves more time to heal and recover. I cannot let the feeling I have for my ex make me ill.

 

since the split my stress levels reduced, but when I am in contact with the Ex they return but to an all new high.

 

slbg

[Something funny]

Awesome post, vfunkera. Thanks a lot.

 

I guess I'm too impatient. I need to let time more time pass, so I don't think about her as much as I do today. I've made lots of progress in only one month, and maybe another month will do the trick. I guess I'm already doing everything I can (keeping busy, taking EVERY opportunity to meet new people, strenghtening myself, etc), I just need to let the clock do it's ticking.

 

If we're going to get together again, then both of us need to fall in love again. If I haven't let go of her, it's impossible for us to fall in love again. In that case, we have to start again from scratch, and that means I have to wipe my slate clean. And I guess that takes time.

 

I guess I shouldn't expect to be over a 3½ year relationship in just one month. I'll just hope I'm even more independent in one more month. I wish there was an easy shortcut to take, but I guess there just isn't.

[Something funny]

Okay, haha, this might sound a tad retarded, but I've decided to start working on a scoring system. Every self-developing, fun, independent thing I do gives me a specified amount of points, depending on how much impact the thing in question has. The idea is that I can't contact her at all (unless she initiates contact) until I've reached a certain high quota. It'll probably take more than a month to fill that quota, and I hope that when I do, I'll be a stronger and more independent person. I've set the quota pretty high, but I can't lower it - only raise it, if I'd for some reason want to.

 

Sure, it doesn't change much, but it feels good to have a goal. Setting goals is good for morale, or so I've heard. Ultimately, the problem lies within me, so anything I can do to structure and work with the problem must be good.

 

I'll keep you posted about how this idea works out, and if it feels good, I'll gladly recommend it to everyone else.

[lisaria]

Hey SF, I am scared to death I'll meet up with my ex. I would probably do the same thing you did and then hack myself to pieces with regrets. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE HIM. I even was not going to my gym on a certain night of the week because that was when he went. And then this past week, I decided to go. Hah! I'll show him!!! But I decided not to wear my glasses and that way I wouldn't know if he was there or not because I couldn't see a damned thing. I think he was tho. His truck or one that looked like it was in the parking lot. But the important thing was that I didn't let it stop me. A small milestone for me. You'll do better the next time since you've been through it once, you'll sort of know what to expect from her and from you.

[Something funny]

Yeah, that was basically what happened when I met my ex too. I live close to where she works, and the past weeks, I've been afraid to walk around in the neighbourhood around the time she gets off. But the other day, I thought "what the heck, she can't keep my from being here when I want to" and I took my normal route home. And boom, there she was. It was such a god damn trauma. Now I'll simply stick to avoiding her completely until I feel much stronger.

 

The funny thing is, I was planning to "bump into her by accident" a little later. But I was caught off-guard and realized that my plan wouldn't be effective anyway until I've become a lot more independent.