I need strategy help in trying to get my ex boyfriend back!

[ravens_folly]

Ok, This might be long... so I hope you want to help me!

 

Ok my boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. I was so devastated at first.. and I got really angry and wrote a really hurtful letter to him. Then I decided to go talk to him to find out why he really wanted to break it off with me. He told me on the phone when I asked him what was going on, because the day before when I was over at his house, even though I was there with his sister, it was like I wasn't there. So when I called him the next day, he started off as usual, but then when I asked him what was going on and why he ignored me, he said he was tired and I said well you could have talked to me you didn't have to ignore me, so then he said well I think we should put this on hold. well I said well how long will that be. He said well either until I win a million dollars or something. Basically that was never. So I just talked to him about some small stuff and then hung up. So then I was mad and wrote the letter.

THen I was so upset cause I really couldn't understand why he really broke up with me so I went over to his house on Saturday in the afternoon and talked to him. I said I need to talk to you. He was like, about what? I said everything. He said I thought we'd agreed we were broken up. And I said well I want to know why and I started crying. I could see real pain in his face and he looked really upset and said well I hate to see you like this, but I think this is best, I just don't have enough time. So basically all I was getting from him was that He wanted to break up with me because he doesn't have enough time to spend with me. Thats what he told me, and told me this several times because I really couldn't understand. He has a mortgage on his house to pay off and pretty much has to work everyday and this summer he will probably work almost 80 hours a week, and I am not joking. However, I know he still cares about me because when I did ask him if there was anyway we could work it out, he said well if there was a way then maybe, but he couldn't see a way of it working out. He told me he didn't think he was being fair to me that there was no time for him to spend with me and even though i told him it didn't matter that i had to go there all the time, he still didnt think it was right. He said he thought he should end it now instead of it happening down the road. And when I asked him if he thought it should be over, all i could really get for an answer was "i guess" And I asked him if he still wanted to be friends and he said of course that would be fine, cause I am still best friends with his sister. Anyway, when I was at his house the last time, its like I don't exist. he'll talk to me if I talk to him, but otherwise I'm not there. Its hurtful but I don't blame him because I can tell how badly he wants to forget me.

 

Anyways, I have thought and thought about this and over and over I couldn't understand why he really wanted to break up, but I think I understand now, and mostly it was my fault. I was spending so much time over there and I think I expected way too much out of him as in spending time with me and he felt as if there was no way he could ever give back what I was demanding. He probably felt bad because he knew I would be upset if he couldn't go to the dog show I wanted him to go to with me, or go to a movie cause he is too tired, or just come to my house for supper. (I live 40 minutes away.) I also never really took the time to ask him what he wanted in this relationship or when he wanted me to come over cause i never really asked, I just showed up and he probably felt like he had to spend the whole time with me in order to make me happy. I did get upset with him when he didn't call me for a week. I didn't realize that he was working everynight, and he also told me this was what made him think he should maybe end it now.

I think also the way I was behaving, like having to get a student loan, and going to dog shows and wasting my money on buying another dog, and just fooling around and doing whatever I wanted looked really bad to him, and he probably doesn't want to spend his life with me if he thinks I am going to waste my money on things he doesn't think are important. Especially when he wanted me to move in with him. He probably figured i would probably not be able to pay bills with the way i was spending it.

 

So its been two weeks since I have spoken to him last, and I am not going to talk to him for another two weeks, but his birthday is on tuesday and his mother asked me to paint a picture of his dog for his birthday, so I did. I am hoping this will remind him of one of the reasons he liked me, I know he was proud of my work as he told all his friends at work and even wanted to show them some of my work. I am also going to send my gift I had bought him before we broke up. I decided that I will give it to him anyway, it is a coat rack with john deere tractors on it, his favorite kind. I think I should write a note in his birthday card, but I am not sure exactly what to put.

 

I want to tell him how sorry I am for acting so stupid and taking him for granted. I just don't know how to say it, or what else to say. I know he still cares for me, and I really love him. Its so heartbreaking because this is a person that when I saw his picture at his sisters apartment, I knew I had to meet him. (and its not because he was good looking either) It was just this gut feeling, and I spent all last summer getting to know him at his home and finally I asked him out and everything had been so good. I never tried so hard in my entire life to get someone. There was so much good, and I want to try to get him to remember it. I was also planning on calling him at the end of this month so I could get some time to just "talk" with him, his parents won't be home and his sister will be working, so he will be home alone. I thought this would be a good opportunity to have a chance to talk with him. And I am trying to improve myself and figure out what I want to do with my life, so I have some direction and I won't look like such an idiot to him. I need to get him to understand that I am willing to overlook his lack of time and focus on his needs. I want him to understand that its not unfair to me when he can't spend time with me, and that someday he will have the time. I need him to understand that I won't behave the way I did before. I am not going to talk to him though until I have myself under control and I know exactly what to say.

 

So if anyone has any support or ideas or help in what I should do now or what I should say... please let me know. I don't want to ruin it!!

I just wish I could get him to listen and give me another chance.

[AzSuperGirl]

Well, I wouldn't presume that he's absolutely not heart-broken about his either. In his defense, 'tis better for him to be honest with you and tell you he doesn't want to neglect you then having him just do it and not care one way or another.

 

I'd say, join him for his birthday.. but be casual about it. He seems like the kind that wants to be able to give his best and provide for him and a possible family one day... i.e getting bills paid, working long hours at work, etc. Men like him have ambition, and that is hard to come by... However, in your defense, I completely agree... if you want to be with someone, you make time for them.. but at 80 hours a week!!! I'm not sure... Maybe you could visit him during a lunch hour, or spend the night when he comes home.... provided tings get better and you get back together.

 

Making him understand will NEVER work. Men just don't think like that. (Sorry guys), the hard truth. Sometimes playing hard to get doesn't work... sometimes it does. Unfortunately, time doesn't always tell.. I don't want to blow sunshine up your rear by saying it all will be OK, but I don't want to discourage you by saying it WON'T happen. Sometimes men need to be alone (have their space)... everyone wants what they cannot have... this goes for us too..

 

Good luck!

[ravens_folly]

Well, he doesn't work 80 hours all the time, but some weeks in the summer will be pretty close, and right now its about 50 hours a week. And thats what I did before, was go to him all the time. Sometimes I would go to work with him and I've even spent countless hours with him in the tractor. If he needed to get anything done while I was there, I was always there to help him. I always helped him do his chores at his barn at night when I was over with him. But I think the problem lies in, when I was upset when he couldn't do something with me that I asked him to and I got upset about it that made him think he wasn't being fair to me, when I was doing all the work going to him and I expected him to give back, but in reality he tries, but he really can't. Well that never really bothered me, and I said that, but I guess actions speak louder than words, when I got upset with him the times when he was tired and couldn't do anything with me.

[AzSuperGirl]

You're right... Actions DO speak louder than words. I think your problem is pretty much related to mine... Being too accessible.. I too always came to my boyfriend... There was a really good post I just finished reading on another forum... I think iVillage. It said something about something you see all the time losing its luster or preciousness... Like if there was a pile of diamonds in front of your door everyday you had to walk past, it'd lose its value, wouldn't it? Pretty much just blend into the scenery.

 

The worse way to love someone is from a distance... And all those mantras of "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" and all that make things pretty difficult.... Perhaps all you guys need is just a bit of space. Sometimes a few weeks isnt even enough. I've been trying to give my boyfriend space for a while, and though he protests it... he is always the one who calls just to see how I'm doing. Sometimes I wonder if he really KNOWS what hes asking for... and really knows what he wants...

 

It does seem like you two love eachother deeply... Guys never like to show us (women) that they're hurt.. Because most of them are raised that crying is "unmanly" and whatever... I'm sure your boyfriend (ex) is hurting too... despite what people say, hehe, men are humans too...

[Babetears]

Ravens_folly: i feel you...my ex broke up with me almost 2 weeks ago.. because he say he doesn't have time for me... but he doesn't work 50-80 hours a week.. but yet he still doesn't have time for me.. and i only see him once a week... cause he lives in another city... and since we broke up we haven't talk... i want to call him and talk.. but think maybe he need his space.. to think... if he truly misses me or want to get back with me he will call one day... i am still hurting inside... and that's why i get on here and message people for help how to get over this harsh time.. i am still coping with this.. just like everyone else on here... hope everything goes well for you...

[ravens_folly]

Thanks guys for your response. Do you think I should talk to him at all though? I mean, I really really want to get him back, but I feel though that somehow even if I don't, or can't... I still need to resolve some issues with him. I do have a lot of questions for him, and I want to tell him that he was right about certain things, and tell him i'm sorry for what I've done. He told me he still wanted to be friends, even though he's not acting like it, I think your right, it still hurts him just as much as it hurts me, only he won't show it. I know he won't cause he was brought up that way. I just want to talk to him and get some emotional closure, but I just want to try and get as much advice as I can, cause I really don't want to screw it up... I do love him and I want him back, but I know I can't force it. And I am afraid though that if I do give him his space, even if he does want me back he won't do anything about it, thats just the way he is... I guess you could say his pride gets in his way.

 

Do you think its better to just act like his friend and not actually try to resolve anything or get back together (well to put it in his mind thats what I'm trying to do)... because it hurts so bad when I go out there and I can't act the way I used to with him, or call him up with my good news, or anything. I want to so bad, and its so hard. I know he's not really telling me the whole truth when he said to me, that I didn't do anything, and that he's trying to be fair to me. I know I did, because otherwise we wouldn't have broke up. And maybe he thinks he's being fair to me when he is letting me go, but I don't think it was because he never gave it a chance, or tried. Its just so complicated.... and at times I feel ok, and I want to forget him but its so hard, especially when I could see my whole future with him. I still can. Maybe I am being ridiculous?? I just know in my heart and no one would ever be able to convince me otherwise that he is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I know at one point he thought about me the same way, he wanted to move in with me and we even talked about stuff we were going to do to his house this summer and other things. I am just at a loss, normally I can figure things out, but really I have no idea what to do.

 

I just need to be able to understand more, and come up with some kind of plan that I can carry out. Whether or not I lose him, I need some answers I guess. I think the more ideas and input i get the better.... it will make everything more clear and I can see things in a different light.

 

Thanks again guys for your help.

[ravens_folly]

Anybody else have any advice to give??