Getting Back Together

[bexcelant]

I have gone through 6 months of no contact and the last three have been sporadic phone calls and reestablishing the friendship. She is still dating the new guy and I'm trying to be the friend who listens to her. She always says we should get together but when I try to actually set a time and place there's always some stupid excuse. She and I have gotten together one time and I kept it short about 45 min as to not overdo it. She was very friendly and wanted to hug me but I decided to not hug her. I tried to set up another time to get together but all I got was that she wanted to get together and we even set up a week to do it. When it comes to crunch time though..she bails. My friends are telling me she's doing more and more things alone without the bf. Some of my other friends are telling me that they aren't doing so well but who really knows? Any advice???

 

From all I've read, you have to reestablish friendship and doing fun activities together. Do not call them dates and in time the other person will realize they have more fun with you and come back. I got lots of phone calls and we talk on the phone a lot but as far as getting together. The way I see it, if she really wanted to get together, she'd make time. What do you guys think?

 

Well I got mad and I told her to fogeddabout it. She said, "Well get together soon". So I said ok, my schedule is open so it's up to you. Let me know when you're free and call me. Later I called back and left a message that I had some attitude and I was sorry about it because obviously you're a busy girl and that's just the way it is. It's just that when you say you're going to get together with someone...it doesn't take 3 weeks to do it. Anyway, if you wanna talk just give me a call.

 

Hopefully I haven't blown it.

[Dullaware]

I think she want's to see you, but is afraid of the outcome. I don't think you blew it. She wants to see you that's obvious, but she may be worried about what's going to happen, like wether you two will have a future, if she's going to want to persue somthing with you, or if she just dosen't want you. I think you should go hang out with her, just keep trying. Let her know that your just hanging out, that everything isn't riding on this one meeting.

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey Bexcelant,

 

Damn your situation sounds the same as mine - i am seeing her tonight (having arranged it several times before only for her to cancel).

 

Anyway, i have this whole thing planned to have a great night with her if i can, but then to pull the plug completely at the end and say goodbye for good, in a hope that she will be shocked into realising she will lose me forever.

 

I'm not entirely sure of myself i have to say!!

 

Your post puts even more doubt in my mind, and makes me think i should try to be friends a bit more first, and live with the fact she has a new guy.

 

Damn this is hard.

[Free all angels]

yea y do girls always do that?? i was mena b c in my ex (was wiv her 2 yr) and she always says she got sumat on, or cant etc.

 

Now she is suggestin that we meet and she sed she wil phone me to arrange it, but she hasnt. PS i have had my phone nicked so has to ring my house, could that make it worse- c in as she mite have 2 spk to parents??

 

What am i mena do?? just wait an c or ring her??

[bexcelant]

I think that this is just like coaxing a squirrel to take a peanut from your finger. She's scared and doesn't know what is going to happen. So when it looks like she's about to take the nut from your hand..she runs away. I guess looking at it like that..you just have to be patient and keep holding out the nut. My little outburst is akin to getting frustrated and throwing the whole bag at her lol. Now I gotta sit back down and hold out another peanut.

 

Do you think my message apology was enough or do you think I should wait a few days to recontact and touch base with her? Or do you think I should try to call her today since this happened last night?

 

Bex

[spatzcolumbo]

GGgggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr, damnit, now i am even more confused about how i should play it tonight....part of me wants to tell her the "i'm off, seeya" speech, part of me wants to give her the "i am totally fine with things".

 

Should be funny being as we are watching the ep of friends where ross says "I'm FIIIIINE" all the time!!!

 

And by the way, i say leave it - don't contact her again - wait for her to come to you.

 

In the grand scheme of things, i don't think that what you said will make a huge difference.

[bexcelant]

The key here is when unsure, take the conservative approach. Your recommendation for me to chill out and wait for her to call me is the conservative approach. She hasn't forgotten you. So my recommendation to you is to take it easy and think of the long term. You don't have to get mad, you don't have to tell her to take a hike, all you have to do is ease off a bit and give her more space just like you told me to do. Think long term.

 

Bex

[spatzcolumbo]

i guess you may be right, but its been 4 months of doing that now, and its got me nowhere...Beec thinks that i should go longer term, majord suggests shock tactics and walkin away - i am caught in my opinion - i think somewhere in the middle!!!

 

Doh.

[Dullaware]

I think she's just confused and scared as to what she wants out of you. I think that if you take time with her and let her know your her friend first, a suitor second than that might make her become more warmed up to you. The fact that she wants to see you ( wether she follows through or not ) is hope enough that she wants to be with you again. I say dont go with scare tactics, just try to see her when she's comfortable with it. Offer a date, but just say "Let me know when you can do this." Dont give a said date

[spatzcolumbo]

one flaw to that plan is that i know she is with someone new!!!

 

So i can't go asking her out on a date!!

 

half an hour and she will be here!!! aaaaaaarghhhhhhh

[Dullaware]

Easy way to get over that is to just say it isnt a date! Just say its hanging out, dont let her know its going to be a date or anything like that. Just try to show her that your still that same guy who she wanted to be with

[justice]

If she is still intiating contact then I think you can rest assured she is still interested. I think you should give her time, but let her know that there will be no contact until such time as she is willing to follow through on getting together. If not the peanut will always be falling out of your hand before it's taken. As for the new guy if she is still calling you she is not committed in her heart or her mind to this guy. I think he provides protection from being alone, but that can only last so long before her true feelings resurface.

 

Justice

[bexcelant]

So you're saying that the display of attitude "throwing the whole bag of peanuts at her" wasn't a bad thing? Wondering if I should have apologized? Oh well what's done is done...she knows I was mad at her even if I did apologize. Now..the question is..will she initiate and call me??? Hmmmmmm or do I wait a few weeks and reinitiate contact.

[spatzcolumbo]

Bexcelant,

 

Don't worry yourself too much about the apology etc...i don't think that it will make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things. She will surely realise that what you said was said because you were upset, and caught up in the heat of the moment. So this is the time to SHOW her that. If you DIDN'T mean what you said, then show her by leaving her alone for a while - wait for her to come back to you...if you've heard nothing in a couple of weeks then maybe you can think it through some more. but i think you'll do best for yourself to give you both some space now.