Son involed with much older woman

[mumofagegap]

My 17 year old son is involved with a 48 year old woman. He has been friends with her for several years but since he turned 16 it has gone to an intimate level - she has left her husband and they are talking about getting married. This is ripping our family apart. Help what can I do.

[kamurj]

I'm sorry, this must be stressful for your family. What can you do? All kinds of things. You could confront the woman and tell her to get counseling...before the police send a squad car for her. If this woman really loves your son, she should set him free. More likely, she is terribly insecure, and takes comfort in your son's attention. He probably has great qualities, and should be afforded the opportunity to share them in a normal, honest relationship. He should be dating someone in psychology class, not dating someone he reads about in psychology textbook.

[kamurj]

My 17 year old son is involved with a 48 year old woman. He has been friends with her for several years but since he turned 16 it has gone to an intimate level - she has left her husband and they are talking about getting married. This is ripping our family apart. Help what can I do.

 

why is it tearing the family apart? if he has known her for several years and they are good friends there is no reason why the relationship is a problem ipso facto. how many people have terrible and distressing relationships because their lover isn't at the same time their friend too? if from the beginning it was all physical and/or there were clear signs of exploitation that would be another thing, but it is possible for people of different ages to sincerely love one another and have a healthy relationship if it is built on respect and mutual caring. it sounds like they could be very good for each other, and there is no reason to assume it won't work out in the long run, providing that he doesn't care about not being able to have children with her. it would be a one in a million shot that he could find someone around his own age who is mature enough for his apparent tastes and can appreciate him like a middle-aged woman can, and the chances for her finding someone better would seem to be a little better but that doesn't say much. i am assuming that their becoming more intimate once he turned 16 was in compliance with local regulations; i'm not certain where this is happening and i am writing from europe, where there is much more sanity about these kinds of things than in the u.s. including having the legal age of consent reflect reality rather than some cryptofascist ideal. if the reason she left her husband was this new intimacy, that adds another variable and complicates things. the whole thing about someone who would cheat with you will probably cheat on you is the basic assumption one would have to start out with and try to disprove in that case i guess.

[kamurj]

Dear MumofAgeGap:

 

I know exactly how you feel because I'm in the same boat wth my 16 year old son. His woman is 47. We live in Georgia where the minimum age of consent is 16, so there is nothing we can do about the situation legally.

 

They have been seeing each other for seven months and have asked for our permission to marry. We said no to marriage, but have consented to letting our son move in with her for the summer.

 

We're doing this because we realize that we can not break them up. We are hoping our son will come to his senses once he gets a taste of what it's like to live with her.

 

Our son is a non-smoker and his "Honey" is a three pack a day smoker.

We're hoping this will dissaude him. If it doesn't, then it will at least prepare him for his life with a chain-smoking middle aged woman.

[Bella]

I'm on the opposite pole. I'm 47, my boyfriend is 19. He was 17 when we met, and we've now been living together since May of 2001. He is a very mature person, very strong, independent, and I've been happier with him than I've ever been in my life.

He was definitely the persuer in our relationship, as studies have shown is almost always the case when its a very young man, as opposed to OM/YW relationships, where its nearly always the older male doing the persuing. This is an important difference for all you mums to understand, its not at all likely that some Mrs. Robinson older lady came for your tender young sons at all. Its almost a certainty that your son very aggresively courted their older ladies.

Its very rare in life to meet someone you truly connect with on so many levels. I know how hard it must be that your sons aren't living up to the dreams you had for them, but it is their lives, not yours, and you should show them the respect of honoring their decisions. Ultimately its your choice as to whether you choose to let it rip up your family or not, but your child's choice of mate is his.

And yes, I do have grown children, and one of them did date a woman my age, so I have all viewpoints covered on this. I trust that I raised my children to live honorably, and their happiness is my top priority, not my own wishes.

My children have respected my choice of my partner, and I give them the same respect.

[Libby]

I have read through allot of topics on this board in regard to age gap relationships and am puzzled by several things. I honestly believe that two people can connect regardless of age and that age is a "potential" (as someone wrote) and not an indicator of emotional maturity, however I have recently had some issues with several older female friends of mine who have taken up with younger men. One woman is 42 and met a 20 year old traveller at a "Trance" party. Within a month he moved in to her house which she shares with her two children, aged nine and five. The other is 38 years of age and has had a string of younger men aged 24, 26, 21, and a few others. Both of these women are emotionally immature to the point of it being pathological and both are terrified of ageing. I am making a sub-standard generalization, I know, but I can only speak from my personal experience. Yes, people can be mature for their ages, yes, they can be smart, yes, thay can be wise. BUT there is nothing like the accumulation, the repetition and diversity of experiences to truly give a person emotional wisdom and true emotional maturity. This is ONLY possible through the chronological passing of time. After you have experienced anything it takes time to think it over, let it go, remember it, learn from it and, hopefully, grow from it. You need to question where this woman is at? I know that the women I know credit these boyfriends with having abilities, intellect and wisdom that they don't possess. The serial one builds these boys up and then demonizes them when they turn out to be human and act their ages. The guys end up badly head ***ed and confused. One she married, one she got pregnant to. Both these women claim these guys treat them with adoration, dote on them, do everything for them e.t.c. But who wants a slave? Is that what a balanced relationship is about? And guys, stop referring to them as men....they are BOYS! For three years I went out with a younger guy, I was thirty one and he was twenty-seven. Not huge, but what a difference. In that five years between us I had a failed marriage and a child, he had an expansive knowledge of Techno Music. Yes I had a great time but I knew it was a good time not a long one and I kept my boundries and let him go when it finished. Allot of these women credit these men with being "The One" which is a pathetic, romantic phallacy anyway and then moan and whinge when they aren't. I have tried so hard to be accepting and cool and to say it's all o.k but .....IT AIN"T. Have you ever listened to a woman heading towards forty crying over whether or not her 24 year old boyfriend really went to the party he said he wasn't going to go to without her because he isn't answering his mobile? Or listened to a forty- two year old talk about how her (then ninteeen, now twenty year old) boyfriend mistook her for being in her early twenties because really she looks twenty years younger? Who would want to look twenty years younger? I am so proud of who and what I am and every wrinkle I have earnt. I am with and have another child to a man I love and yes.....he does adore me and tell me when I'm full of shit as well. But his 39 and I'm 37. The last thing I want is what so many of these women claim is the BEST thing....adoration all the time, being put on a pedestal and most importantly CONTROL. Be honest, the younger they are, the easier they are to manipulate. And, for the record, I was a fatherless child(he died when I was fourteen). I lost my virginity at the same age to a twenty-eight year old who was married.Did I believe I was mature...yep, did I believe I knew what I was doing...you bet. The same goes for a series of older men who took full advantage of the fact that I was young and without a father and so I was prey. Do I look back on these experiences and think "Wow what a connection, age was no issue?" No.....I do not. I look back and think, "Yuck.....what a pack of creeps!" And believe me, your son will too. Mamma, grab your boy....get counselling for him. Tell him that if this woman really loved him she would let him go for now and wait and see. This is almost paedophilia and we both know it. The difference between 17 and 47 is THIRTY YEARS.

Good luck,

Libby.

[mickymack18]

i, right now, am in sort of the same situation as your son. although, my situation is i am 19 and seeing a 35 year old man. we did not meet until after i was 18. we have been together for a year now. i have heard every lecture you can imagine. and i have fought for our relationship. also, we have not yet become intimate.

 

as for your situation, i believe it is their decision! there isnt much you can do accept get the police involved. being in a similar situation, i dont think that is a wise idea. although my mother does not agree with the situation, she has choosen to accept it. not agree with it, just accept it. if she were to do anything other than that, she knows it would only push me away.

 

maybe you should talk to your son (calmly) and explain to him why you disagree with it. tell him that if they love eachother as much as they say they do, that love can wait until he is of age!

 

that is my opinion, we all know you can take or leave anything you wish. i just hope that you understand some of what im trying to say!

 

good luck!