Help pls!!

[twinself]

Hi all,

 

Wondering if any males can help here??

 

Well, I have known this guy for three years+ After a year of knowing him as just a friend he went abroad for work. We kept in touch by phone texting, and in a few words he said he liked me more than friends. Things got warmer over 9 months texting each other and then he came back for two weeks. We had a great time and he always told me how great a woman I was. He left again telling me to get on with my life, cos he didn't know when he'd ever be back.

 

Well, things cooled off...but we kept in touch every now and again. After about 14 months he let me know he was coming for a holiday again and I assumed we would meet up again even if for just a coffee or something. It turned out he came and left again without us ever meeting up! He had assumed that I was with somebody else and didn't want to cause me any trouble. Two months after this he started texting me regularly again, phoning me, telling me we got on great and that that was a good basis for a relationship. I was adamant to stay cool...after all this guy lived thousands of miles away, and I had to let him go.....but he said that there was nothing keeping him there any more and was thinking of moving back. He was telling me how much he missed me and that he loved me and that by Xmas time 2004 he'd be back for good. Well, I believed it all. He has just left after three weeks here and I am semi=devastated. It is back to him saying that he wants to be here but it is 90 per cent and that he is not sure. He cancelled some dates with me while he was here, yet at the same time he enjoyed being with me. He wouldn't ask me to wait for him or keep me from seeing other people. He said he needs more time to think. In a few words, I had the impression that before he came over he had already made up his mind, that he wanted to be with me and would do anything not to 'lose me again' (his words). I am at a loss. Part of me wants to hope and part of me wants to stop all contact. I told him this has gone on for too long already and I can't hang in limbo anymore.

 

Would love to hear what anyone thinks!! Especially men!! Is he unsure about me?? Is he unsure about moving back?? I am so confused.

 

thanks

[kuhl282000]

Hey Girl

 

As a ex traveling man I can tell you it was nice having someone to call in almost every town I went to. It was easy, just call when your coming in town and if they were not busy we would hook up. I never had any intention of hooking up with any of them. We had a lot of fun some great sex, and no committment not ever. See you next trip when I was back in town. I have never been a believer in long distance relationships. I think at one given point people who want to be in a committed relationship have to decide to be together. I read somewhere that less than 5% of long distance relationships ever work. I believe this guy does really care for you. But he is hot and cold, that would drive me crazy. He also sounds really unsure about what he really wants. If you are available when he comes in town, he can have his cake and eat it to. I suggest you tell him exactly what you want. And if that is a committed relationship, we'll then he will have to make up his mind. It is also very possible he may have something going with someone else in another city. It would be almost impossible for you to prove, and I do believe he would never tell. But when you travel all the time, you get used to this lifestyle. If I were you and it were frustrating me, I would push this guy a little, and tell him to S**T or get off the pot. You really have nothing to lose, you really don't have this guy anyway. Sounds like he is playing games and it is messing with your emotions. I believe if he really cares or even loves you he will come to you. But to say he thought you might be involved, is pretty weak in my book. Tell him your not hooked up and would like to have something solid on a regular basis with him. you can watch him squirm.

 

Good Luck.....You deserve better than part-time, and you may even be the other woman and don't know it.

 

Warm Regards

Kuhl

8) 8) 8) 8)

[twinself]

Thanks so much for your insight KUHL

 

I am having the same feelings of : being played, him not knowing what he wants etc Yet I can't change who this person is....I have to accept what is going on with his life too

 

I'll submit a little more info cos it might make a difference to judgement.

 

This guy is 41 and has been living in the country where he is working for over 19 years. He was only here for one year straight and that is the year I got to know him as a friend. He was married there but got divorced seven years ago. His two kids live with his ex wife. So perhaps moving back is not such an easy task.

 

But I am feeling that perhaps his love for me is not strong enough to make him move off his b*** What would YOU do?? lol He says he doesn't want to lose what we have. But it has gone beyond friendship...and I don't think I can deal with being just that. We agreed to cool things down a little and not text each other too much.. so he'd have time to think. Or is this the tactic men use in keeping women hanging on? It is so damn hard trying to be cool with someone you have strong feelings for and really care about!!! He said, when he was here last, that it seems the timing is wrong. But I think that if he really wanted me...he'd be more convinced in moving, after all the rest of all his family and childhood friends are here too.

 

It feels like I'm his No1 when he's abroad...but when he gets here...I move to second place and he gets confused. He told me that if we see other people we'll tell each other .. and that he does want to be here. Does this guy want me or not?? aaaaaaaah

 

 

[Drpepper]

I can say that if a person loves YOU then they will make commitments to make the relationship work. As stated above you are just a port for him at times. Its sad to think you feel so much love for him when it seems he just uses you. I know its hard but you need to sever the ties and move on. There is someone out there who will appreciate your dedication.

 

David

[twinself]

Thanks Guys! I know I deserve better.... and I can 'let go' of this if I have to. But the fine line between the ego, and unconditionally loving someone really confuses and bugs me. Might find the answer one day.....until then I need to keep walking.......falling...and picking myself up again...

 

What doesn't break me ... will make me..

 

 

Hugs

[twinself]

Thanks Guys! I know I deserve better.... and I can 'let go' of this if I have to. But the fine line between the ego, and unconditionally loving someone really confuses and bugs me. Might find the answer one day.....until then I need to keep walking.......falling...and picking myself up again...

 

What doesn't break me ... will make me..

 

 

Hugs

[twinself]

Sorry about posting twice!! Don't mean to be a bore.....honest!!!

 

My connection is bad today...must have been a hitch. And I can't delete the second post!

 

 

take care

 

 

c

[Gilgamesh]

Its already been said, and i have to agree with the other replies, if he really loved you, he would go out of his way to be with you.

 

There are a few things in your story that just dont sound right, you say that when he came and left, that his excuse for not calling you were that he assumed you were with someone else.

 

That doesnt make very much sense, because you were texting with him, earlier, and he really had no idea that you were with someone. besides, its nothing to call someone up and ask how they are doing.

 

Also those long periods where he just stops communicating then all of a sudden he is very interested in you. not very consistant.

 

I will take a wild guess and say he has someone overseas where he is at, but that things are on and off with this other person, when they are off he shows his interest in you, he likes the feeling of security in knowing he "could have you" if he wanted, and that boosts his ego.

 

But when things are ok with this other person, he disappears again.

 

I,am not saying that this is in fact what is happening, but it is consistant with his actions. what isnt consistant is his interest with you. you just dont go all out of your way to avoid a person your interested in, as in the way he did with you.