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broken the rules - advice?


damagedbloke
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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so 3 weeks ago I wake up, ask the woman my heart beats for where she wanted to meet for lunch and bang, I'm single.

No explanation, still had none. Her cold, flat words rang through my head and I felt like I'd been winded. Fell to my knees and crawled / dragged my way to my mums room and collapsed in a weeping huddle.

Then a mate calls me - he didn't realise how long I'd been single "...just noticed shes engaged on facebook...". right away I knew it was only messin (and if it aint then it's more f**ked then i thought) but the thought that the angel sent to me, the woman I worked my ass off a year to support through depression,the woman whose soul used to snuggle up to mine and make me feel the meaning of life, the thouht of her being cool enough to be flirting etc after ending WHAT WE HAD killed me.

I'm now on antidepressants and counselling. I'm too ashamed to tell my mum the only reason I'm still here is the tie ripped when I dropped. I'm lookin at a pic on the wall of my sister and brothers and feel like scum for even thinking about hurting them because I'm too weak. I had a nervous breakdown and coupled with my anxiety I have barely been able to leave my house... today for example i cant even look out the window without the bleakness coming over me.

 

I know shes never coming back, but the dream plgues me day and night. the reason I'm posting is to ask basically how to deal with this.

I'm not banging on her door or calling her constantly, but ive still broke the rules I've read about. I'm supposed to show I dont care and crack on with life, but its medical fact I've been rendered useless by it, it's seriously mashed me and she knows it. worse, the mate shes now living with knows it too so I appear to anyone who hasn't seen my prescription "just moping about feeling sorry for myself". I did have the "why me oh why me" stage for a day or so but its far beyond that now.

 

I've so many questions I feel I need answers to. What did I do? have you always been faithful? was it really as special as you said it was? did you really share my dream? did i ever truly have the honour of living in your heart?

I dont know it;d be a good idea to ask though. I'm terrified I'll get the flat cold voice I'd only heard in nightmares till it happened. but then Im also scared that Id call her and she'd be bubbling with cheer - dont get me wrong id never wish for her to be sad but still, our 2.5 years was something special and I'm scared i'd hurt if I see she blatantly doesnt care. I'm not sure what'd be worse - finding out the whole thing was a sham and I'm a fool, or that we did indeed have something as special as i saw it, and its gone. I truly dont know which id prefer.

 

Im so sorry to ramble its just it hurts so much. all the little in-jokes, the phenomenally perfect "click" on the first date, the memories, the holidays, the fight to get ourselves out in the world, the pain of being beaten down by the landlords, the longing to hold each other on the lonely nights we were apart after losing the flat. its all gone. its like someones come and erased all proof I had a happy life and now I'm the bloke left here, the only one who remembers while the world just shrugs and thinks I'm mental.

 

I've gone through sad, angry, (try to) hate, guilt, and many more. I say gone through, i mean theyve hit me. none of it's gone away and it's gonna need some serious counsellin. I feel like Ive been betrayed, used, humiliated, but if i dwell on them too long it makes me feel worse. no matter what i conjure up to use as foundation for my "glad to be rid" mode, it just twists in my mind to show me how useless i was and at best, what a mug i am.

 

I found out shed been askin my mate if im ok, and even told him she was hurtin too. but i think this is just to help her not be guilty.

Shes always had a thing about bein a big girl and can look after herself, but one of the tings I loved about her most was how I felt I ould protect her from anything. because of this I still care same as before, and I called her mate she lives with "no sneakiness, no crawling etc I literally need to know she is ok" not suprisingly I was met with a wall of "ugghh yeah", and yes it hurts, I knew it would. I just couldnt help it.

 

The amount of nights I would wake up to her cradling my head, wiping away my tears, soothing me I cant tell you. For 2.5 years I had an angel to protect me and guide me through the most savage of nightmares and to be honest with myself I'd forgotten what it was like before she was there to shield me. Now I,m back in the grey world she found me in, except this time I know there are indeed angels, and my one left me at the drop of a hat.

 

I'm so lost now, nothing makes sense anymore and i dont feel this world is my home anymore.

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Even if she took you back, would you truly be happy? I don't think you would, because your happiness would completely depend on someone else. It sounds like you guys had a good 2.5 years together and I would cherish that, but I would also try to move on. It's over now, and replaying it over and over in your head will only make you feel worse. Remember that you only have one life to live. Instead of letting your mind rule how you feel, try thinking good thoughts and noticing the beauty around you. Try to have some quiet time without the voice in your head labeling everything as bad and making you feel like * * * * . One little negative thought can lead to a plethora of bad thoughts which ultimately sends your life in a downward spiral. If you are lost and you feel like nothing makes sense, remember that you aren't the only one and it isn't necessarily a bad thing. There isn't anything in your life that you can't change. If you want to be happy, envision yourself being happy and believe that it will happen. Focus on trying to feel good right now. When there is unhappiness in your life, it is *always* brought by negative thinking. I know there deep down inside a part of you wants to be happy and at peace. I'm sorry that this happened to you and I truly hope that you will find a way to be happy. It really isn't as hard as it sounds. All you have to do is focus on feeling good right now. Good luck.

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The amount of nights I would wake up to her cradling my head, wiping away my tears, soothing me I cant tell you. For 2.5 years I had an angel to protect me and guide me through the most savage of nightmares and to be honest with myself I'd forgotten what it was like before she was there to shield me.

 

I'm so lost now, nothing makes sense anymore and i dont feel this world is my home anymore.

 

Mate, sorry things are this bad for you. You sound like you are in a pretty dark place. Nothing is going to make this go away for quite a while. The pain can't kill you, so you can ride it out. The only thing that can get you is the fear that you can't get through this, and you give up.

 

You can and will get through this. You can. It will hurt like nothing else but you can do it.

 

Maybe the relationship was based too much on dependency. maybe she felt like she was your carer as well as your partner. All bad times are a place where learning starts. Have a look at why you needed her to hold your head above the water. Focus on that, and becoming a stronger individual in your own right. It will give you something positive to focus on whilst you go through this pain.

 

Hang in there mate

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There's no doubt that the beginning of the breakup is horrendous. Everything seems hopeless. You feel like you'll never find someone else like your ex. It does get easier with time. It is bad for her too and take comfort in the fact that she probably isn't having an easy time either.

 

The advice of the others is pretty good.

 

It sounds like you really need to do what you can to make yourself happy. Take some time and go do some things you enjoy.

 

You can make it through this. Give it a little time.

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nah not humour mate I just couldn't see any other way to escape the hurt - thugh it was more of a case of the bit i attached it to was jagged and tore through easily.

ironically, if I'd had sanded the f**kin thing like I'm always bein moaned at to do chances are it woulda worked.

I still live in my own private hell but so so so glad I didnt and it's gonna be something I never share with the family. cant tell ya how ashamed i am man, didnt realise im such a coward when in a corner.

 

I know it gets better, I know we're basically machines built to right ourselves and try again, but my girlfriends history was a dark one, mine not much better but we were a perfect team and fought each others problems off with a wave of the hand. we've come through stuff none of my mates could even dream of and for al intents and purposes we were a married couple. You know when you're 5 mins into the date and feel like they were made specifically with YOU in mind, and youre seeing their eyes sparkle with the same thing. First date I go on we're there maybe 20 minutes and she susses out all my naughty habits, I'd already clocked hers as I walked in. We'd both postponed the date (found out later when laughin about it) because we were scared of how to tell the other about our lifestyles.

match made in heaven dude and the most magical of moments came from that rough little bar we met in that night. All this just makes me feel that I'll never have someone like her. No ones gonna understand my performance anxiety, to be honest i gave up on sex altogether after nasty experiences and she understood I cant do what men should be able to most of the time, she treated "him" as being a little mischief maker rather than an insult to her appeal. In my experience and from talking to many people I've known for years (online! cant trust my mates!), she is unique in this. She loved me for who I was and what I stood for with my hardcore underground rap collection next to my hand painted nerdy as you like warhammer models, with my turntables, blacklights, strobes and rave style speakers next to my superman bedspread with thomas the tank engine pillows, My monstrously dangerous dog who I treat as an equal, my collection of ultra violent, blood galore style movies and my nunchucks next to my table of hair straightners and superior cosmetics (hell yes every man needs clarins moisture and clinique to buff!) She UNDERSTOOD what makes me, we'd spend all night till morning humming the first few notes of a tune and the other one gets it in an instant. beleve it or not we'd stay up to watch the sunrise while livin at my mums, f**k sake we even witnessed some kinda covert house raid with guns n the flyin squad while we kissed in the moonlight.

All my memories are intricately linked to this woman. I can't see anything without her... I swear to god I cant imagine life without her at my side. I sound so naive here, and I'm conscious it's terribly rude to you guys but I cant come to grips with not being the main character no more - I thought I was! I don't mean for her, I mean in this life. When I was with her all that mattered was there in front of me. You guys and everyone else in the world were extras in my film. you'd break up, meet others - you know, have you're lives we dont see much about, go to work with us, sit near us in a restaurant, look uncomfortable when we kiss and you're behind us in the queue, you sold us our living room set and used to ask how the flats going when we came in to sort out finances. You'd sell me the bacon rolls I'd venture out for on our saturday lie in's and you clearly enjoyed us popping in to pickup our indian takeaway - what a lovely couple.

I know I just reduced whoever reads this to little more than a film extra, but honestly that's what it looks like when I look back - I truly mean no disrespect. I'm not joe the banker with his 2nd wife. I aint paul the plumber whose tired of women and needs a break. I'm John and my life was happy, I don't know what's happened, but it's looking like I aint as special in this film as I thought.

sorry guys I ramble but the point is in there somewhere. I've never been able to share anthing until my angel showed me how, and though it drove her mad at times when I failed to always share my burden, I like to think she'd be proud of me for making a proper effort, albeit an internet forum.

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Hey I am in the same situation as you. My girl never even bothered to explain anything to me. Just stopped responding to me. I know I am not going to be able to date for a long long time.

 

But I know from reading things on this site things get easier in time, Luckily I have stuff to take up my time or I'd go crazy.

 

Do you have a job and some friends you can start spending more time with?

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tis true mate. Yep I got a busy job but that's one of the reasons I'm ill at the moment. I'm improving by the day though and I realise this is STILL my world, just something new come up.

What she did or whatever is no longer of substance. I had a couple of years learning what money really meant, kool, I know what s**tstorm I'm going into next time I venture into the real world. She took something from me I can never have again and she was my first serious relationship, but I realise now the second she lied it neutralised the whole lot. In a twisted kinda way that sits well with me... it's not that I don't care, it's just the whole thing is off the radar now. It's like she wasn't there - almost.

The happy memories come back but only for moments. And you know what? I don't really miss them.

I'm not being flippant here or bitter, I just don't relate to them anymore, she wasn't who I thought she was and yes at first that's what brought me literally to my knees, sobbing, choking, the stabbing in my chest and stomach... was that honestly me? Really? Why? I used to read posts here wondering how the f**k you people stopped jealousy etc. Now I'm having a hard time wondering why I'd be jealous. No hard feelings. No feelings of any kind. No hate, man I thought there'd be hate, anger, bitterness. Nothing, I'd rather tinker with my fishtank, even now my minds drifting to the state of the suction cups holding the filter on.

The woman I loved didn't exist. MY woman would never betray me. Boom, there it was - I've woken up. Everything I was told and believed in are gone now. But ya know that's not too bad because I can't recall much. Mentally yes, but not in the place where it weighs anything. Not in that place it got me last time. I think it did. Did it? I recall faces and conversations, but I can't touch the feeling there.

 

None of it really equates to much now and I would say that's kool, but it doesn't really matter. Life doesn't lash out and knock ME over, it gives me a matey dig in the ribs to draw my attention. I faltered yes, and I got it wrong and started hating Life, wanted to give it back even. But now I remember all the other times I've stropped out at Life, each time being taught the lesson I have to remember

 

Life's my mate, and it's all good in our hood.

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ok,

slight twist on original cry for help!

 

I've definitely broken the "show them you can carry on with life happily" rule... 4 weeks and I'm still off work, signed off, doctors been round, counselling, medicine... you get the idea.

well I'm past the stage of wanting to fix things, I would rther not meet anyone like her again and fully regret giving my virginity to someone who held such little respect for me.

 

problem is, im really worried about going back to the office. Loads of her mates work there, she might even rejoin and while theyre on different floors to me, everyone knows I'm the boyfriend who couldnt hack it like a man. they dont see the betrayel, they dont see what she did they just see me not being able to cope. Alongside that is the slightly smaller fear (though it's growing) that my performance anxiety is gonna be common knowledge. I can't do what a man should e able to do, and I admit I'm scared shell divulge my sexual "prowess" to others.

 

How do I save face here? I dont often care what people think but theres a fair few lads that are more than happy it didnt work out and I'm feeling especially tender. Anyone gone far downhill and managed to scrabble back up with minimal fuss? If not, then how do I deal with the thoughts of what people are thinking now? You know the sort - the blokes who hovered round your girlfriend and are now swooping in, the girls who resented your perfect relationship and think of the demise of it with glee.

I sound so weak, so pathetic. I dont know when i started caring what people thought. I just want peace. I just want to sleep.

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