how do i make this work, if i can't trust her

[thatboy_e]

my girlfriend and I of two and a half years are doing the long distance......thing.

i just graduated college, she's still there. my problem: i simply do not trust her. i keep having these feelings that she is cheating on me. i feel as if she doesn't try hard enough to make this work.

 

she broke up with me about three months ago, but a week before i graduated she literally begged me back. i took her back, after she broke my heart. she was so sincere, and i had her wrapped around my finger. things were great for awhile. she stopped going out all the time and partying because she didn't want to jeopordize us. Now, she's going out once again.

 

now, after all her begging, i feel as if she is not trying hard enough to keep me. she doesn't call as often as i would like. i have a very difficult time trusting her, and i am always thinking the worst.

 

i got back in this relationship because i truly love her, now i feel like she's not trying. And no, i can't just talk to her about this, because we have more than once.

 

would a girl tell a man if she was dating someone else? i don't even want to ask her.

[Superfly81]

You're overreacting and THAT might make you loose her. Cool down and learn to trust her. You only know she really wants you if you give her all the freedom of the world.

 

The more you try to pull her towards you, the more you are pushing her back. The more you ask her if she wants you, if she's cheating or not, the more she knows you have her on a pedestal, the more she knows you worship her and the more she knows she can actually cheat on you and still get you back.

 

You might want to turn things around, so she has problems trusting you, so she will definitely not cheat on you because loosing will kill her... How you do that? By keeping it cool!

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

I have a feeling you're a very insecure person, like many others and myself too. I don't believe in Long Distance Relationships (LDR) unless its only short term as I don't see just how they can work out. Being a month and a bit away from my girl drove me crazy but it's kinda a lesson to be learnt and it teaches you just how much you need that special someone around. Here are some tips for your LDR

 

Communication

Keeping in touch is important, but it doesn't necessarily have to be expensive. Talking on the phone is great but I recommend trying to alternate who's footing the bill. Short upbeat messages left on the answering machine are nice too - you can play them over, and over, and over....

 

I can't say enough about how important e-mail can be. It's faster than mail, and it's cheaper than the phone. You can get an e-mail account at most colleges prepaid by your tuition. Snail-mail is important, too. A handwritten letter, or a card "for no reason" can go a long way.

 

Communication means talking about what's going on in your life, and how you're feeling about things. If you don't communicate, your SO(significant other) probably isn't going to read your mind. Communication also means listening!

 

On a sub-topic, there are a lot of fun things you can send in the mail: Holiday related items, tapes with music mixes, cute things you find in gift shops, videos if you have the equipment, poetry (yours, or stuff you've found), and songs. My favorite is one of those blank puzzles that you can find in card shops or art stores - make a picture/message, and send a couple of pieces at a time with letters and cards. Cookies are cute, too, if you can manage it.

 

Trust

In order to pull off a LDR, you need to have a LOT of trust in your partner. If you don't, you may end up wasting a lot of time wondering where they are and who they're with. Insecurity isn't a good attribrute to drag into a LDR. And here's your main problem, there isn't really a lot you can do but trust this girl you're with, after all, she is someone you're looking into having around in the future, how can you not trust her and if you are unable to trust her, how can you even live with her?

 

Respect

If you are leaving your SO's home area to go to college, other studies, or job reasons, do form new friendships. At college especially, you're going to a new place, and forming a new life. SO's should respect the existence and time devoted to this new life. A new life doesn't mean you don't care about your partner anymore, it means you're are still a living, breathing, valuble person when they aren't around. It also cuts down on the ever-present "I-miss-you!" loneliness/longing. Respect your partner's decision to live a life which doesn't revolve solely around you.

 

Honesty

Be honest about how you feel about your relationship, and what's going on in your life. Again, mind reading is unusual. If your studies or job are keeping you busy, or if you're sick, tell you partner - it's easier to understand why you haven't e-mailed in a while, or why you seem cranky/moody. Don't forget to tell them about the good things happening in your life as well as the bad ones!

 

In the unfortunate case you decide that the relationship isn't working - for goodness sake, don't just leave the other person in the dark, be honest with them. This doesn't mean being rude or thoughtless. Try to avoid telling them before major exams, or during finals. And don't leave it on an answering machine.

 

Love and commitment are also important, but I think that goes without saying.

Believing in true love/ destiny might help, too.

As to visiting each other, it depends on the distance, your financial situation, and what kinds of public or private transportation methods are available to you. Who pays for who to go where when and how often can end up being a point of contention, so be careful.

 

During visits, you may feel a bit awkward - sometimes I do, sometimes I don't - and things are still working. You may want to take things slow for the first few days. And in my experience, the goodbyes get a little bit easier each time.

 

Parents can be a "problem" for many teens entering in to LDRs, especially those begun online. Remember that most of the time they are trying to do what they think is best. They've seen scary things on the news, and like anyplace else, the internet has its dangers. Parents don't always have a full grasp of all that the internet is, and they don't feel like it's something the have control over - this makes them want to protect you from it. Try to explain things to them, and try to be patient. Try to avoid going behind their backs - if they find out (and they have a knack for it) they feel even less in control, and that will make things worse for you. I've had parents ;-) , so feel free to e-mail and ask for advice regarding them.

 

What about what other people think? Some people may think you are wasting time in attempting a LDR: "Why bother? It never works." (Wrong - Explore the web, successes exist). Other people think it is a very brave thing to do and will regard you highly because of it. However, it's not what other people think that should matter in deciding whether to enter into a LDR. It's what you and your partner mean to each other. Nonetheless, it is more helpful to have supportive friends.

Remember,"Absense makes the heart grow fonder". or as some believe it "Absense makes the heart cheat" - and its true enough too!

 

Happy Heb