I'm running on empty

[kynd1]

I'm 25 yrs old and I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. Every doctor seems to have their own diagnosis. The most recent is that I'm bi-polar with post traumatic stress. Another noted schizophrenia with pyschotic features. The Army disqualified me for being narsisistic. The only thing they all agree on is that I'm depressed and have been most of my life. I have a history of abuse in all it's forms,originally by my father,and later by foster parents. I've always felt like an ousider and still do. I'm constantly being judged and manipulated by people that dont/cant/wont understand me and have their own agenda,my interests not being part of it. I'm on medication that helps some days,but most not. I've never succeeded at anything despite my sincerest efforts,and my attempts at relationships all end the same way,with me driving/scaring people away. I'm sick of hurting,of failing,of not knowing when the depression is gonna hit. I'm thinking about killing myself pretty regular now. I've got a few family members that claim that I dont have the "right to do that to them",but I think that it's only about them. If they didn't have me to push around and take advantage of,they would have to actually get lives of their own. I dont believe they honestly care. Outside of them,I have no one. I dont matter. I'm not sure what keeps me hanging on,bull headedness perhaps,but that's about gone. I'm sick all the time now,I sleep too much because I dont have anything to get up for,and I no longer enjoy old pastimes. I'm desperate.

[jasmine68]

But a nicer version. He was diagnosed with 40% PTSD back in 1995 when he was discharged from the military. He has a lot of symptoms that you are describing. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Your not crazy your normal and that fact that you are talking about it is a very good sign. It's hard to get support from family members who aren't going through what your going through. It may seem like they don't care by their actions but they really do care they just don't know how to deal with how your feeling. I'm learning this from my family. I'm trying to listen to them and understand where they are coming from. I'm trying very hard not to judge them. You are not a lone , trust me. I find myself turning to the lord when I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I'm not a religious person but it helps when you talk to him.

[tough_girl]

Hi there,

 

First of all,

Welcome to enotalone.com.

 

Well, don't do anything stupid now or in future. Life has a lot of nice things to offer. Maybe you haven't discover it yet but I'm sure you soon will. Don't give up without trying.

 

It's no big deal being disqualified from the Army. You said that you have a few family members that care about you, so don't let them down. You probably think they think of you as a nuisance but they don't. They just feel iritated because you keep on feeling sorry for yourself instead of standing up on your two feet and brave the storm.

 

You said you haven't anything to do now, right? So, I think you should further your studies or get a job so you won't feel so bored. Don't stay in bed all day, get up and do some exercie. You'll feel better. Stop convincing yourself that you're a pile of rubbish because you're not.

 

If you try hard enough, I trust you can do it and brave the storm. The girls in your previous relationships are probably materialistic or doesn't care enough to be with you, so they don't deserve your tears. You deserve so much more if you can face the world.

 

1. It's not the fall that matters, it the recovering that matters.

2. If you don't fall, you will never learn how to walk.

3.Do your best and let the lord do the rest.

 

I hope this has helped you and I hope you'll feel better.

[Hero_99]

You might also have an autism of sometype, such as aspergers syndrome.

I can't say for sure since I myself am not qualified to make the diagnosis nor would I online if I was, but people who have it tend to feel similarly to the way you do. You should really check into it....

[jamman]

Hey Kynd1

 

I am quite familiar with your type of situation, since I am very much the same. On many occasions I dwell on all the same issues. Diagnosis: schitzophrenic, bi polar, manic depressive. Possible?? Not at all. I am a fully functional individual with lots of opportunity, as are you. The thing is all people deal with emotion in many different ways and some like you and I can go to the furthest depths. All people have psychotic traits at moments in their life. Doctors would like to tell that it is an imbalance and in a sense experiment with using drugs until they find you a happy medium that stabalizes you. Well you can do this yourself without drugs. Remember you do have deep seated issues that need expression and resolve, its hard but dealing with this is your only chance at pulling out.

There is a really great program that was developed in the states for people dealing with crisis to chronic pain to stress and the results are phenomenal but you would have to work very hard. Do a search for the name John Kabitt Zinn or mindfullness meditation and you will find some insight on the stress reduction program.

Unlike others I will say that yes it is your right to commit suicide it is your choice and no one elses, but remember once you made the choice you no longer have the right to make any more choices. Thats it, over. You choose a very interesting sign on name Kynd1, probably because you are, and within every living being is the inherent will to live and create fulfillment for the betterment of everything. You do have this too so how many choices do you want to make? One last choice or an infinite amount of possible choices? PM me anytime if you want to talk.

Let the music sing through you!!!

Jamman