I'm 25 yrs old and I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. Every doctor seems to have their own diagnosis. The most recent is that I'm bi-polar with post traumatic stress. Another noted schizophrenia with pyschotic features. The Army disqualified me for being narsisistic. The only thing they all agree on is that I'm depressed and have been most of my life. I have a history of abuse in all it's forms,originally by my father,and later by foster parents. I've always felt like an ousider and still do. I'm constantly being judged and manipulated by people that dont/cant/wont understand me and have their own agenda,my interests not being part of it. I'm on medication that helps some days,but most not. I've never succeeded at anything despite my sincerest efforts,and my attempts at relationships all end the same way,with me driving/scaring people away. I'm sick of hurting,of failing,of not knowing when the depression is gonna hit. I'm thinking about killing myself pretty regular now. I've got a few family members that claim that I dont have the "right to do that to them",but I think that it's only about them. If they didn't have me to push around and take advantage of,they would have to actually get lives of their own. I dont believe they honestly care. Outside of them,I have no one. I dont matter. I'm not sure what keeps me hanging on,bull headedness perhaps,but that's about gone. I'm sick all the time now,I sleep too much because I dont have anything to get up for,and I no longer enjoy old pastimes. I'm desperate.
