Help!! Jealousy is consuming me!!! (kinda Long)

[sprocky25]

Ok So I'm new here and I really need someone to talk to. My husband and I have been married for 3 months and have been together for 2 years. I have had these feelings for sometime now and everyone I try to talk to tells me that I'm overreacting.

 

My husband has posters of half naked to naked women in the garage posted all around. This isn't really the problem but it stems here. These posters didn't bother me at first but not I get really uncomfortable whenever I am in the garage.

 

Now a year ago he went in partners with a guy to start a racing business. The shop started out nice and classy but now I feel it's moved more toward trashy. There are posters of these women and magazine pages/cutouts everywhere! He's even gone to the stores to buy more. I find it to be extremely uncomfortable when I'm there. But he always wants me to visit him. So I make the occasional visit to keep him happy despite my feelings.

 

Now he wants to get a computer at home. I am a little apprehesive about this because I know that he will use it to look up erotic websites. This bothers me! He has a computer at work and I sometimes use it but I hate because his screensaver is a slideshow of various women in various positions and clothing (or lack there of) with cars or motorcycles. We'll even go to his best friends house and he'll start looking things up on his computer.

 

Is there a problem with me or my thinking? Help! It really hurts me because there have been times in the past where he's told me that when he describes me he wouldn't say that I'm beautiful, he would say that I'm cute. Also that I dont' dress revealing enough. Or he'll make suggestions like "why don't you do this?" When we first got together he used to come home and tell me "so and so says that his wife pleasures him everyday". These are just hurtful things.

 

I have come home to find that he's gotten home before me and has just finished watching a pornographic film and/or masturbated. I'm told him, not too long ago, that we should use the movies together and not alone. He agreed since then.

 

It also hurts me when I wear the type of lingerie I like, and he says (in not so many words) that it doesn't look stripperish enough.

 

Or he'll be looking through playboy and say something like "If you ever got a bood job I'd want them to look like this!"

 

So now I find myself changing my thinking on different subjects but I can't decide is this cause I like them or is it because I know that he like them?

Advice please!!!!

[AXYSSALLY]

Why do I get the feeling that the people who told you that you were over reacting were guys? You are not over reacting. I dont think that what you feel is really even jealousy..I think its justafiable anger and feeling disresepected, which is just what you should feel. Not only should he not be putting up those types of posters in your own home if it makes you uncomfortable but the things he says to you are immature and hurtful...If he cared for your feelings then he would take the pictures down. The stuff at his office..Im not sure what to say. I have a feeling that thats sort of the "culture" of those places. Doesnt mean its right though. Im not saying that this stuff is grounds for divorce but its pretty obvious that your feelings mean nothing to him and that he has no respect for you or your marriage. I would suggest couples therapy. You have to start putting your foot down on these matters. You cant whine complacently ( Im not saying you are, Im just saying in general) and stand back and let it go on. Stand up for yourself. Express your anger...theres nothing wrong with that.

[tiger_lilies]

Hmmm... this is a tough one. I know that most men are aroused by sight and obviously your hubby is one of them. He seems to have a "hobby" of looking at erotic pictures etc. I can totally see your point of view because it would bother me just as much.

 

But it's not like you can ask him to take all the pictures down because it would probably just make him angry. His sugestions regarding your personal apperance suggests that he would like for you to imitate these models. It's not really fair for him to compare you with the models because it can make you feel "not good enough" or cause lowered self-esteem.

 

However, I would suggest that maybe you could buy some sexy langerie (sp?) especially for Valentine's to surpize him. You can't change his intrests but you can accomidate them. As long as you feel that things are solid in your marriage and that he dosesn't "stray" so to speak.

 

For me, I would probably tell him how his porn addiction is making me uncomfortable. But make sure you tell him in a non-threatening way. I hope that he understands and would make an effort to relieve your concerns as any loving husband would. I'm just afraid that, that would cause him to go undercover and hide from you when he looks at porn.

 

I don't know what eles to suggest, only that I don't think that you're overreacting. I think that this is an issue for you and should be addressed as so. Your husband should hopefully understand and I hope he can tone it down. Best of Luck!

[Balthamos]

Hey Sprocky

 

I am a guy, and I absolutely agree with you that this is a problem and I don't think you're overreacting. It is not jealousy, it's common sense. Being a guy I have looked at pron and I do understand the attraction for men, but that doesn't justify it or make it ok. I agree with Axyssally, the big problem here is not that he looks at erotic images, but that he refuses to take them down or stop. The part about the garage, since you two are married, it's your house as much as it's his. If you find that offensive and degrading (which you seem to, and you should), then it should not be put up in your house. As to the work situation, I know nothing about cars and don't frequent the kinds of stores your husband runs, but they can be run classily, like he did at the beginning, they don't have to be trashy, even though such pictures are a kind of part of that "culture." You may never get him to completely stop, but it's just plain disrespectful to keep those pictures around.

 

He will likely continue to be defensive about this as he has in the past, and unfortunately, you should just be prepared to deal with that, you need to be firm, but gentle and not acusitory.

 

I'm not sure I agree with tiger_lilies post about buying the lingere, you said when you wear what you like and feel comfortable in, he doesn't think it's stripperish enough, and to buy something more like what he wants, you'll be making yourself uncomfortable to please him and try to get him to stop making you uncomfortable, and I think it will help, I'd be nervous it might even encourage him.

 

Stand strong and firm, hold your ground, but be gentle and I'm sure you'll get through this all right.

 

Good Luck!

[sprocky25]

Hey thanks everyone! I really needed to vent all that out before I could actually talk to him cause I probably would've exploded. Thanks for all your ideas and thoughts.

[sprocky25]

oh and I forgot to mention that one time when I went to his shop, I was looking through his desk and under some of his car magazines was a stip club review magazine. It was almost like he was trying to hide it.

 

I think all of this is wearing on my self esteem and I am considering going to therapy. As a teenager a counselor found me to be a co-dependant so I had to work really hard on my self esteem. Now that all this is happening I feel that all that work went to waste. I constantly have thoughts of I don't look good enough, or my chest isn't big enough.

 

I used to be very independent and he didn't like that. So I dropped my guard. But now all I want is to find that independance again. I'm so tired of being angry and insecure.