Issues with finding/keeping a therapist?

[paintedfish]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this....

 

 

I went to see the counselor at my university on Tuesday. He said there's a long wait to see him and that I should seek outside counseling and continue to see the psychiatrist at the school. But Ive looked into the ones in my area and they dont seem as good. I really liked the one I saw, I already told him my story, and I want to keep seeing him. But I cant wait that long... I dont know what to do? Its free through the school but I have insurance...

 

 

I only met with him once but I really liked him, and he gave me his card and I feel like I should call him and ask or something but I dont want to be a bother.

[girl friend]

what i'd suggest is that you go on his waiting list but seek one of these outside counsellors in the area - you might like one of them when you go and sit with them to talk... But don't go in with an idea that you want them to be him, or you will be disappointed. its just somebody to talk to afterall, who you trust, who provides a safe environment and is a good listener to give you an external perspective.

 

All counsellors are trained to standard, and you can find another you like. What if you have some sessions with another and then if room comes up with the school counsellor switch to him, - you may not even want to when you start exploring things with another counsellor you might be familiar with that one by then!

[paintedfish]

I just feel like they wont be the same. I want to call this one but I know that I won't get any answer and Ill get rejected because there are people in front of me. I know youre right, girl friend, but I dont want someone else. I want this one. I guess im just venting. Im sorry.

[shes2smart]

One of the first thoughts that popped into my mind as I read your post was, "is there some element of 'wanting what we've been told we can't have' going on here?"

 

If you really want to see this particular counselor, then you take the first appointment you can get, ask to be called if someone cancels before then....and then you wait....and check in with the appointment scheduler about once a week to see if there are any cancellations.

 

What I have found to be true is getting an initial appointment with any good counselor often means waiting 6-8 weeks.

 

However, you've said you saw him once. How did you manage to get that appointment?

 

Is it also possible that he may not feel he would be able to be of much assistance to you after hearing your story? Like any relationship, a relationship with a therapist is a two-way street. If I went to a counselor with, say, eating disorder issues and the counselor didn't have a lot of experience/background working with ED stuff, it wouldn't be a good fit -- even if I liked that particular counselor and that counselor liked me. If I saw a counselor for an initial evaluation and they felt they could not help me/work with me (for whatever reason), I would hope they would say something about it so they wouldn't waste my time.

 

I was sent to my first counselor when I was still in high school. Didn't like the guy at all, got nothing out of it. Went to another counselor in between high school and college. She was ok, but in hindsight, I suspect she may have been dealing with some issues of her own. Saw another counselor in college...again, a nice enough lady but didn't get much out of it.

 

It wasn't until I got into my late 20's that I started seeing a counselor that everything came together like it ideally should. I saw her on and off for the next 10 years, until I moved out of the area, and experienced some amazing growth with her as my guide.

 

But, see, here's the real thing about counseling -- when you are really ready to take a hard, honest look at yourself and your life, make the necessary changes and take the necessary actions to improve your life -- any competent therapist will work. I wasn't really ready to do all that before I bottomed out in my late 20's, so even the greatest counselor in the world couldn't have helped me. All the "heavy lifting" of therapy is done by the client, not the therapist. The therapist's role is that of a guide -- pointing out things we may not see, offering other ways we may look at things, and occaisionally suggesting things we may want to consider....but the client does the vast majority of the work.

 

I do not know if you are at that point yet. You may be and you may not be. That's something you have to sort out for yourself. What I am suggesting here is developing and holding on to the idea that this one counselor (who is apparently overbooked) is the only counselor who you could work with could be a way of delaying/preventing dealing with the issues you are seeking counseling for.

[paintedfish]

Well Im not just wanting what I cant have. I didnt know I wouldnt get another appointment till the very end of the session. We got along fine, he understood me incredibly well. I cant imagine telling anything to anyone else now. But it was through the school and it's really busy there because finals are coming up and everyone wants to see a therapist because they're stressed. I set up the appt. a month ago, and went in on Tues. Im not delaying my recovery... I hate feeling like I cant function, and I hate being a loser. But I really cant see myself being comfortable with the people I found online, through a search for my city/insurance.

 

He was perfect for what I need, he even looked compassionate. The other ones Ive seen, I can picture them looking at me scary or judgmental and I don't want to go in. Im ready to work on me, I just already trust this guy and Im so tired of trusting people and being forced away from them or them betraying my trust. I dont want to work for more relationships. Why can't I keep the one I had? Now that Ive admitted all these things out loud... I just dont feel like I can do it again.

[girl friend]

I understand. sometimes when so much has been going on when someone actually comes in and listens, and takes us seriously we have an enormous mass of feelings of gratitude to project towards that person. and it sounds like thats what you have done with this guy.

 

I'd say ring him and ask if there is any way he can squeeze you in, and accept that if he can't you are going to try someone new and are going to make the best of it. its all in the attitude.

[redhearts]

link removed I found a good one there, they even have pictures and what they specialise in.

[3boys]

The great thing about counselors is that they aren't going to look at you scary, be judgmental or betray your trust. If you can't get another appointment with the one you already saw, since you trust him, ask him for a referral to someone he recommends. If you get an appointment with another one, you don't have to dive right in, you can start the appointment with just basic information to get a vibe from them. If you don't feel a connection, don't go back--keep trying until you find one that fits. I hate to have to put it this way, but to the counselor, you're just another patient, especially if he's only seen you once...he's not going to rearrange his entire schedule just because YOU want to see him. It sounds cruel, but it's unfortunately the reality of seeing a free university counselor

[shes2smart]

Im not delaying my recovery... I hate feeling like I cant function, and I hate being a loser.

 

That statement ^

 

is a bit of a condradiction to V this statement.

 

But I really cant see myself being comfortable with the people I found online, through a search for my city/insurance.

 

Because in essense you're first saying, "Yes, I want help and I am ready to seek out and accept help" and then you say, "but I don't want from available sources...just the one that's not available"...which is a stone's throw away from saying, "no...I don't really want help."

 

It's been my experience that people who are truly bottoming out and at the point where they are ready to get down to business will do whatever it takes to get the help they need.

 

The other ones Ive seen, I can picture them looking at me scary or judgmental and I don't want to go in.

 

That's going on in your head...it doesn't mean those other counselors will do anything of the sort. In fact, if they are competent professionals they absolutely will NOT do anything like that at all.

 

I think this is part of you convincing yourself that this one counselor is your ONLY option.

 

Im ready to work on me, I just already trust this guy and Im so tired of trusting people and being forced away from them or them betraying my trust.

 

How is he betraying your trust? He didn't lie about his lack of availabilty and his being over-booked. Had he told you he could see you and then you learned he had no available appointments, then, yeah, I could understand feeling betrayed. Trust is something that's developed over time...not something that springs to life in one session with a therapist. It may be more accurate to say you think you could grow to trust him.

 

I dont want to work for more relationships. Why can't I keep the one I had? Now that Ive admitted all these things out loud... I just dont feel like I can do it again.

 

.......then I don't know what you're going to talk about in therapy because my own experience has been that the most valuable therapy sessions are the ones where you talk about stuff you don't want to talk about and say the stuff you don't feel like you can say out loud. And the most benefit comes from having multiple sessions exploring those issues.

 

My intent here is to get you realize that you do have other options. This one counselor is not your only hope and you hanging on to that idea could very well be standing in the way of (at worst) or delaying (at best) you getting the help you need.

 

At the very least, changing your focus to the fact that you have other options will give you one less thing to be feeling crappy about.

 

I agree with a suggestion someone else made -- ask the counselor you saw for a reference to one of his colleagues. That may ease the way for you somewhat to entertain the idea of seeing a different counselor -- one who will have time to see you sooner rather than later and for more than one appointment.

[paintedfish]

Im sorry, I do want help and I didnt mean to make it sound like I dont. I was just kind of upset, and raw from the first time I went because it was a foreign experience. Im going to see my new one in an hour, and though Im nervous, now that Im farther away from that last one, I dont even remember what happened or what it was like. But Im just scared. I hate new people, and this is someone Im supposed to trust. Its just taxing. Im trying. I dont like women very much, and the only ones nearby that took my insurance were women. But I should just get over that I suppose. I didnt feel like I could grow to trust him. I put myself out there and he listened, and so I trusted him. Its just how it works for me, and I think most people.

 

I know I keep making excuses. I signed up for therapy twice before and always chickened out at the last minute. I know they wont, realistically, because they wouldnt make money if they did, and theyre professional, but I feel like I just KNOW she's going to say Im being stupid and weak and I dont need to see her again.

 

I cant tell if you're saying because I dont want to rehash the whole introduction bit that that means I dont have anything I need to talk about? If so, I dont know how you could know that's true. Maybe it is, maybe it isnt... I didnt mean it that way.

[shes2smart]

Im sorry, I do want help and I didnt mean to make it sound like I dont. I was just kind of upset, and raw from the first time I went because it was a foreign experience.

 

Understandable. Starting therapy for the first time is a Big Deal and can be nerve-wracking

 

Im going to see my new one in an hour, and though Im nervous, now that Im farther away from that last one, I dont even remember what happened or what it was like. But Im just scared. I hate new people, and this is someone Im supposed to trust. Its just taxing. Im trying. I dont like women very much, and the only ones nearby that took my insurance were women. But I should just get over that I suppose. I didnt feel like I could grow to trust him. I put myself out there and he listened, and so I trusted him. Its just how it works for me, and I think most people.

 

That's a therapist's job. That is what they are trained to do. For the most part, they have to basically be compassionate people to begin with, but any good therapist will be able to create that safe environment for thier clients.

 

I know I keep making excuses. I signed up for therapy twice before and always chickened out at the last minute. I know they wont, realistically, because they wouldnt make money if they did, and theyre professional, but I feel like I just KNOW she's going to say Im being stupid and weak and I dont need to see her again.

 

I've been kicked out of therapy (in a good way) before. Trust me on this -- a decent therapist will only ask you to leave if they think they cannot help you, (in which case, they will likely recommend someone who can) or if they believe you are strong enough to deal with stuff on your own. Even then, they will phrase it in such a way that the decision to continue or not is entirely yours.

 

The times I've been kicked out, the following question (or some variation) has been posed, "Are you still finding these sessions helpful?" You will not be called "weak" or "stupid" nor will a therapist make a final determination that you don't need to be there. They may evaluate with you whether you are making progress or feel like you are getting something out of therapy, but it would take some extreme circumstances (like physically attacking the therapist) to be kicked out in a bad way.

 

I cant tell if you're saying because I dont want to rehash the whole introduction bit that that means I dont have anything I need to talk about? If so, I dont know how you could know that's true. Maybe it is, maybe it isnt... I didnt mean it that way.

 

No, what I meant was you will need to continue to talk about those issues that you find difficult or painful to talk about. You will need to talk about them in more detail and multiple times to work through them. I got the impression (and perhaps I read more into what you wrote than was there) that you may have thought since you told him these things that you wouldn't necessarily have to dig into them more. There are people who don't really understand that there's a lot of repetition in therapy (especially if you're working with someone who doesn't do brief therapy) and I think part of the process is just the fact that the more you talk about something that bothers you, the more you can diffuse the emotions it brings up and then you can begin to deal with it in a more objective, rational fashion.

 

In any event, I am glad to hear you made an appointment with someone else and I hope it goes well for you.

[paintedfish]

Thank you. I do appreciate your help on this, the kind of tough talking to. I didn't mean to sound defensive or unappreciative. I went to the therapy, it wasnt bad. Not good, really, but not bad. But it turns out she's worked with my psychiatrist before so Ill probably stick with her.

 

Thank you again for the help, and thanks to everyone for the input.