trying to date a painfully shy guy

[raincloud87]

If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

 

Here's what's going on: I go to a university, and I 've known this guy for about two years. We became school buddies instantly. I was always the outgoing one who cracked lots of jokes and he would laugh.We always sat together during lectures. Our friendship was a lot of fun, but after a while I noticed that it wasn't progressing into the kind of close friendship that I usually seek with someone who I spend a lot of time with. We never talked on the phone, did things outside of campus, and also he didn't disclose much about himself. Then I discovered that for whatever reason his parents never enrolled him in school when he was younger.He is from a small northwestern town and I am from a midwestern city. I also found out that he's never been in a relationship. He is a good looking, intellegent guy, so after awhile I developed a crush on him. My problem is, I'm not confidant enough in myself to go after this guy. My gut instinct tells me that he is attracted to me, but he seems afraid of me at the same time. If I give him a little hug, he'll blush, if I smile at him, he'll smile back at me. He will come around and chat with me in person, we've spent time together on campus hanging out, eating lunch, talking. and on a one on one level I can get him to open up a little, but I can't get beyond this stage. His shyness makes me nervous. I tried asking him out in the most non threatening way possible. I wrote him a note that basically said "hey I hang out at this place, if you want to meet me sometime, call me" but he never called. I'm beginning to think he has social anxiety disorder or something. I would like to hear what other people think about this.

[Tom_Bombadil]

Judging from what you said of the way he reacts when you're around (blushing, ect), I'd say he likes you. But believe it or not, he may actually not know that you like him. A shy man cannot always tell whether or not a woman likes him, even if she is throwing out hints. I think you need to be more direct with him. The next time you are chit-chatting with him, just be honest and tell him how you really feel, and that you'd like to take your relationship with him a step further. Just be sure you take it slow, and don't come on too strong or he may feel intimidated. I Hope this helps.

 

Good luck!

[raincloud87]

Thanks for the input. I am also afraid of scaring him away. I didn't know if being direct would intimidate him or not. You're a guy, so you know better than I do. Im just trying to get some kind of idea about what goes through a shy man's mind when he likes a woman. Also what he thinks if he's not into her, because I don't want to initiate any unwanted attention either.

[Tom_Bombadil]

When a shy male likes a girl, he somtimes may try to avoid her as he gets really nervous when she's around. And when she is around he may find himself smiling alot and even blushing. I'm also speaking from personal experience here. Chances are, he likes you but may be distancing himself a bit because he doesn't know if you like him, and he's afraid of making a fool out of himself in front of you. You need to remember that he's never had a girlfriend before. I didn't meet my first real girlfriend until I was 18, and I pretty much acted the same way he did. From what you've said, it does sound like he has a bit of social anxiety. It is possible to get him out of his shell though.

When a shy man is not into a female acquaintance, he more than likely won't be as timid around her. But it seems to me like he does in fact have a little crush on you.

[raincloud87]

I have another problem: I am also shy myself, but not as shy as him. I make friends easily, but when it comes to attracting guys, I have to admit it's pretty one sided most of the time. The guy usually does most of it. I can use humor as a way of flirting, usually with most guys that is enough and they will ask me out. I've only asked out somebody once. And I've never had to tell a guy that I liked him because they always told me first, or they didn't tell me and I let them go. Once I know a guy is interested in me, I can relax and be myself, but not before then. I think if this guy weren't so shy, I would feel more confident about telling him. I guess my main fear is that he will be scared away and I might also lose him as a friend.I started emailing him,but it doesn't seem to bring us closer.He probably doesn't know what to say to me. I thought writing to me would be easier than talking in person, but it doesn't really work. I've already cried over this once, just because it's so frustrating.

[Tom_Bombadil]

I know how frustrating it can be to have fallen for a friend, and not know what to say or do.

 

Well, seeing how he's so shy, and has never had a girlfriend at all, I wouldn't count on him initiating the first move. A shy guy will carry a crush on a woman for a VERY long time and not even tell her. Sometimes he won't even tell her at all!

If you're worried about losing him as a friend, maybe you should try writing him a letter or a poem. Nothing is more flattering than this. It is also easier than saying anything in person. Make sure you state in it how you care for him, and that even if he doesn't want to be more than friends, you don't want to lose his friendship.

[cookiegirlemh]

hey raincloud & tom--

 

I am so glad I'm not the only one that's going through this!

Here's my situation:

 

I have known this man for 8 years, he is 33 and I'm 24. We have worked together the whole time in a small dept of a multi-dept store. We're good friends (go out outside of work, he's always there for me, gives me advice, we've helped each other through rough times, etc). Everyone tells me how super-shy, anti-social he is and how he never talks. But with me, he's different (he talks, he asks me what's happening in my life, asks me questions and advice, does stuff for me, tells me jokes/ tries to make me laugh, jokingly teases me, compliments me and even gets playful). (The one thing he does that bothers me is when he puts himself down in front of me, it breaks my heart). When we go out with the work group he is always *right next* to me the whole time, the last time we went out just the 2 of us he was an hour early to wait for me and did nervous fidgeting-- straws, keys, etc. Nobody else in the store seems to know anything about him but me (nor do they seem to care much, they're losing out on a smart, wonderful man).

 

The thing is that I am seriously having romantic feelings for him (used to be just fleeting thought, but past 9 months or so, it's gotten constant and intense). I am terrified to tell him because I do not know if he feels the same way or not. When people ask him if he would date me or ask us why we aren't dating, he blushes and smiles but doesn't say a word. I freeze like a deer in headlights.) I don't have anyone to ask how he acts with gf because he hasn't had one since I've known him (truth be told, I've not had a bf in the time either). I know he has a strict personal policy against dating anyone he works with (he told me that out of the blue one day). This won't be an issue soon b/c I've finished college and will be moving on career-wise.

 

I want to do the tell-him-in-a-letter thing when I quit, but I'm a little hesitant b/c of the advice from Tom that shy guys aren't shy around women they aren't interested in. I don't want to lose his friendship b/c he is so special to me. Am I wasting my time worrying over this or do I seem to have even a glimmer of hope?

 

Advice/ opinions, anyone?? Thanks so much!!

 

hugs,

 

~~ cookiegirl ~~

[raincloud87]

I believe that there is always a glimmer of hope between a male-female friendship evolving unless one person is involved with someone else.

 

The thing you mentioned about him not wanting to date people he works with makes me think that he is a very private person. It is obvious that he only shows his outgoing side to people he feels comfortable with. Maybe if you assure him that others won't know everything about your relationship he will feel better about it.

 

My guy actually ended up going after one of my friends, a girl that he could never get up the courage to talk to. so I never told him anything. I'm not really sure if this happened because I didn't say anything (in time) or because he was never interested in me. It's possible that he wasn't as shy as I thought.

 

I guess the lesson I learned is that you never really know what the other person is thinking, and that is just a risk that needs to be taken sometimes. My advice to you is that if you've been friends with this guy for so many years, then you shouldn't feel embarrased about telling him. There should be some amount of trust in your relationship that tells you that (even if) he turns you down, he will be gentle about it. I also woul suggest flirting with him a little when you're alone and see how he reacts to it.

[bimmer]

Well... I have a Q for you, are you very popular social wise? I'm very shy myself and the current relationship I'm in is the only real relationship I considered myself in.. anyways.. before we actually get together, I was really shy, shy as that guy you like, if not more.

 

Anyways, I can tell you that you need to make a move on him, in the near future. He's probably confused whether it's just your friendly personality that's being nice to him or you actually have feelings, which you do. The fact is that he doesn't know that and he's trying to draw some conclusions.. dont let him draw a wrong one, and make him move on.

 

I know I thought my gf liked someone else.. she was very popular social wise and well, it stretched on forever till I found out.. Anyways, dont let him direct his attention elsewhere, snag it from him.

[raincloud87]

You have a very good point, and it's something that I never thought of before. I am a very outgoing person, but when it comes to guys I like, I become shy. When we were first friends we joked around a lot as buddies, but now I become nervous when he's around and don't say much.

 

As far as the other girl goes, he actually asked her out, but she turned him down, The conclusion I came up with is A) if he was interested in me he wouldn't be asking out my friends. and B) He had the courage to ask out someone, which makes me think if he wanted to ask me out, he would have.

[cookiegirlemh]

Don't know if bimmer was also asking me but I guess I'd say yeah I'm pretty popular at my workplace (not necessarily a "social butterfly" but pretty much everyone chit-chats with me and tells me I'm a "nice" girl). This includes guys and girls.

 

I would try to flirt with him but I haven't the faintest idea what counts as flirting. Also we've been friends so long that lots of it seems like what we do as friendly behavior (teasing, compliments, etc).

 

Bimmer, how did you eventually find out that your gf liked you?

 

 

hugs,

 

~~ cookiegirl ~~

[raincloud87]

Flirting would be doing all those things you mentioned but in a way that lets him know you're setting him apart from the rest. If you can figure out if he likes the attention maybe you can figure out the best way to tell him you like him.

 

But then again the whole reason why I started this topic is because I don't know how to get the attention of shy guys, An outgoing guy would be easier for me, so maybe I'm not the person to be giving advice here. Just trying to help. I think what happened in my situation was that I was flirting and everything, but maybe he wasn't interested and didn't know how to tell me, so he didn't. And to be honest with you, the rejection didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I guess I'll always be confused about what the truth really is.

 

what I learned from my experience (even though it didn't go well) was that is was good to have some closure. So based on my experience I would tell you that if you've had a crush on this guy for years, you owe it to yourself to find out if things are going to work out. That way if they don't you can move on. You mentioned that your career will be changing, and it's possible that you may meet someone at your new job, that you like even better than this guy, but if you're still pining away for the first guy you may not even see that there is someone else that wants to get to know you better.

[JLynn]

I also need help with this one...I was recently introduced to a guy by a mutual friend. Unlike any other guy I have dated, he is EXTREMELY shy, which at first I found sweet and attractive. The first few times we were together were at the bar with mutual friends, so after some drinks he was pretty open and very fun, sweet & witty. We were really touchy-feely those nights, and we kissed before we went home.

Then we made plans to go to a movie, and he was so shy...he did not try to hold my hand, did not kiss me goodbye, which is fine, but it's something I'm not used to. And after those kisses the nights we were out, I couldn't help but wonder whether or not he liked me. I know his friends really well, and they have also expressed how shy he is.

I really like this guy...the thing is, I am pretty open and outgoing, and it is really unusual for me to be intimidated by a guy...but I'll tell ya, I am more intimidated by this guy, who is soooo shy, than any other guy I have met. I think it's because he hasn't made any "sober" moves on me. I don't want to scare him by being too forward (calling too much, asking him to do stuff), but what the heck should I do?

[Stellar8827]

hi! I'm sixteen years old and have basically the same problem as raincloud. I used to date this really shy guy about five months ago and then we just sort of stopped and i dont know why...but i still like him and he still likes me but it seems like he avoids me..i've tried just about everything to hint to him that i want to hang out and that i like him but he just seems to be so scared and i dont kno what to do....he even missed going to the prom because he was to scared to ask me to be his date (he told me this the night of prom) he asked me to hang out with him prom night tho.....and i did...but then he said that his friend harry wanted to come with us and i couldnt say no so i was like sure, why not..so he came and picked me up and sure enough there was harry in the back..nice kid but it was SOoOo Akward! i tried to make conversation and so did he(my crush) but it just kind of stopped and i didnt kno what to say...i tried to make it obvious that i like him but he's just so scared (talking about my crush NOT harry)((lol))so anyways i tried playing "hard to get" the other day since i had tried just about everything else and i dont think that worked very well....its hard for me too cause im shy as well when it comes to guys but he needs to help me....if he likes me like he says he does then he needs to act on it but if he doesnt then i just wish he would tell me!

 

Please, anybody help a poor, sweet 16!