Failing marriage

[needadvice]

I am 34 years old and I have been married for ten years. I have three children and love my wife, however, we fight and argue constantly. My wife tells me I am useless as a husband and father. She thinks I do not love her. She tells me that I do nothing to help her in her role as mother, yet I spend time playing with the children, I bath the kids, I read to them every night. I am told that I do nothing to help around the house, yet I make the bed each day, I clean the bathroom, I wash the dishes, I hang out and bring in washing, I do the garden. It seems that no matter what I do, it is that which I don't do that my wife focuses on. I feel that I am constantly being put down and insulted and as a result I get angry and say terrible things. My wife is not sure if she wants to have a relationship with me anymore and she doesn't think she actually really loves me anymore. Can anyone suggest a course of action for me to take.

[popeye]

Dear needadvice,

 

There are several factors to consider:

1) how was your relationship before? was it fun, loving, what did you guys do when you guys were dating, what tickles both of you to laughter?

2) is there a possibility that she's feeling "isolated" from you that's why she's nip-picking, nothing personal, could it be she feels that her relationship is not fulfiling to her, e.g. how's the sex life (honestly)?

3) is this relationship bringing you both joy and happiness. You can only be the best for your children only if you are happy inside.

5) do you think she's willing to work things out together if you two went to a marriage counsellor?

5) if all things fail (and you did your absolute best), there is such a thing called as an "abusive" relationship. This is something you have to figure out yourself.

[SwingFox]

Wow, popeye, that was short but down to the bottom. I agree with you a 100%.

 

I would want to suggest that you try to work it out and work on that premise first. Just know that you can only do so much. It is not going to work if things only come from one way... yours. It takes two to tango. I would strongly advise you to avoid you walking on your toes over eggshells.

 

I hope this helped you a little ... good luck!

 

~ SwingFox ~

[Mischivo]

I think you should confront your wife about how you feel. However, you must keep your cool and not lose your temper. No matter what hurtful things she says, don't lash out or backfire. Ask her to listen to your side of the story. Tell that you DO help with the kids and with household chores. Ask her what more she expects you to do, discuss this with her... However DON'T compare! Don't say something like "I do more than you...". That will flip her out! You need to figure out why you're having problems...

 

Or maybe she's cheating and she's trying to drive you away before you find out?

[sisterlynch]

I think you really need a third party to help you work out your problems.

[bruce]

needadvice, go to this site link removed

 

This is what you need to do.

[deezzee]

I read your story and could relate to it very well. My own marriage is failing misserably for some years now. And we are again about to separate for the umteenth time because we want and need to be together but for some reason spend our time making the other unhappy?

I say those things that your wife says but when i say them it is just a ploy, not deliberate in the way you might think, for argument sake but because i am hurt but can't say..My husband also takes our son out and spends time with him and also works long hours so alas does not much else. which is just telling it like it is but although he does things that he says is for me, i feel it is not what i want or need. i would rather he told me he loved me more or hugged me for no reason or made me feel good about myself instead of making me feel more inadequate than i already did. i don't know if any of this makes any sense, yes it's nice to have help but sometimes it's nice to have someone way "hey, you look beat, sit down while i make dinner etc" this doesn't sound like i'm incappable just that your caring about me and making it ok to accept help...and 9 out of 10 times i'd say "i'm fine and don't worry, you sit down and i'll make us coffee." I just want understanding that although i don't work that i can still be tired and weary or just feeling low and need understanding. When we first meet out partners don't we look for ways to make each other happy by sensing thier moods and showing that nothing is too much of an effort? why does that have to stop? when did we stop thinking about are partners feelings?

[RayKay]

I would recommend not only counselling ASAP, but that you pick up a couple books too to get you started - The 5 Languages of Love is a good start as it may show you why she is still "unhappy" despite all your efforts as she measures or needs love in a different way. And it is an easy read, and I guarantee you will see yourself in the first couple intro chapters! For the same reasons, she should read it as well!

 

Marriage, and relationships, take a continous effort. What comes easy in the honeymoon stage is something that invariably couples must work on afterwards. When they are neglected, the years of resentment build up.

 

It is not too late if you are committed to the marriage and her, but it won't be easy either. It takes a readiness to learn HOW to love and that takes time and a few mistakes along the way....

 

Good luck.