The no contact rule help

[DiglyD]

I was wondering if anyone could clarify the "no contact" rule for me a little more. I would like to know in what situations it works and in what situations it does not.

 

I know it has been stated that for your ex to truly appreciate what she has lost there has to be no contact from you. As you contact your ex you bring back guilt and you smother her. The more you try to get close the more you push her away. You must leave her alone for a time. I completely agree.

 

however...

 

I also believe in the saying "out of sight and out of mind". For me the "no contact" rule has not worked in the past and I tried it with 2 different women. No contact meant that 1 got married, and the other moved out of state to pursue the new guy she fell in love with.

 

I was in a 3 year relationship with this girl. It was very solid, strong, intense, intimate, and faithful. We saw each other 5 days/nights per week sometimes more. Sex was great. Great connection. Nothing wrong until the last 6 months of the relationship.

 

These are the circumstances/Variables to consider:

 

1. I am her first guy. (she was a virgin before me).

2. I am her first serious relationship.

3. She left me because I stopped taking care of myself in the process of helping her.

4. She left becasue she lost respect for me.

5. She left despite being still "in-love" with me.

6. She didn't see me as her equal because I didn't have her money or education, and wasnt working toward achieving it.

7. She wanted to find herself and didn't know what to do with her life.

8. She thought she was getting lost in the relationship because it was so good that she would spend too much time in it and not take care of herself.

9. I lost my job and was depressed, and unmotivated for months leading her to think that I was not going to go anywhere (loss of respect).

10. She is drop dead gorgeous and can get anyone she wants.

11. She does not want to see me ever again.

12. She is dating actively, and started mere days after she broke up with me. She is sleeping with guys or her friend/boyfriend.

13. For the first 2 months I did not apply the "no contact" rule and sent her love emails, poems, and come back to me notes, like an idiot. (its been 3.5 months now). No contact for the last 25 days though. No telephone contact for the last 3 months. However I told her friend at xmas that I never watned to see her again..ever. This of course got to the ex.

14. She is still feeling very guilty from time to time, but at her friend's xmas party I was told by her friend that she told her she can't see me for at least another couple of months. (she was supposed to be at the party but did not show up because she felt terrible about seeing me since I was going to be there, and I said I never wanted to see her).

 

On the plus side, (at least I think its a plus side). I treated her very well, I was unconditionally in love with her and showed my generosity and appreciation, Sex was excellent for both of us, I supported her, and helped her whenever possible. I was faithful, honest, caring, supportive, protective and romantic.

 

What are the chances of getting this girl back? I think its pretty slim but I'm hoping that maybe I am wrong.

 

how would I go about it given the circumstances, and how long do I need to work on myself before I make contact? 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? or just forget it?

 

Any advice would be greately appreciated....

[mr_ripley]

Well, if your using the contact rule in order to win this girl back, I think you'll be waiting a good long while if your "I never want to see her again" statement did indeed get back to her. She may want to call but won't mainly because she thinks you don't want to hear from her.

 

I don't know how exactly you could go about rectifying this situation without coming on too strong. You want her to know that you care but you don't want to come right out and say it. You could perhaps say something to her friend again. Maybe just a simple enquiry about her coupled with a "hope she's doing fine" should do the trick.

[uongy]

first plz dont talk all my advice literallly but maybe as a guide to yours own decisions.

 

the way things were mean that you lost her respect.also,she may have lost even more respect by all of those love letters and emails fater she broke up with you.losing her like that mean you try to get her back immediately but that wasnt the way.

 

to be honest,i dont think there is much hopeof getting her back.but dont give up hope by any means.but if you realise there is no hope,dont go and keep trying.there are many girls that would appreciate a nice guy as you seem to be.

 

eventually,it is her choice and not yours whether she wants you back.if its right then she wil.but theres not much you can do to force her.

there isnt any strict timeframe for no-contact.but when the time is right,call her and make sure you are honestand true.ask for her honest views as well.then go from there.if she feels nothing for you,you will be hurt but then you can make a fresh start.if she does still have feelings for you,take it from there.

 

hope i have helped.take care.uongy.