Even when you are broken up can you demand loyalty?

[trinnity213]

I met my ex boyfriend when I was 18 and a freshmam in college. We were both each others first serious relationships and fell in love. I am currently finishing up college I am about to enter my last semester and become free to move closer to him. For our entire relationship I have been in school and have lived about 45 minutes away from him.

For the next three years we were together, but we had broken up about three times for different reasons. These past breakups were only for a short time, about a week or two and we always got back together. Last year he broke up with me because he claimed he wanted to date other people. He was afraid that even though our relationship was perfect he could find something better.

This obviously devestated me. I am a fiercely loyal person and felt this was a huge betrayal. Well he only went on two dates with this other girl and was calling me telling me he wanted to get back together. All they ever did was kiss and he claimed she was nothing compared to me. I felt so betrayed that I put off getting back together for about a month, but eventually I got over it. We were together all year and even though I knew there were problems with our communication of feelings I was still very happy.

Then three months ago he broke up with me claiming he was not happy with his life and he needed space so he could make some life changes. I begged him not to leave me, but he did. We did not talk after the breakup for 2 1/2 months. No contact what so ever. I refused to call him and was trying to move on. Then about two weeks ago he calls me at 1:30 A.M. to catch up. We did not talk about getting back together, but about how our lives were going and how much we missed each other. Then then next time he called was on Christmas and he told me that he was seeing this girl who was a friend of his while we were together. I got upset and hung up the phone.

We did not talk for about a week and I call him yesterday and that is when everything exploded. For the first time ever we talked about our relationship openly and the problems we both thought that was wrong with it. After this very long conversation he gets very upset and tells me he never knew how I felt and he wished he had told me this sooner. I ask him "why, whats happened? Are you still seeing that girl?" He says yes. I ask how far has it gone? He says he slept with her three times last week. I lost it I couldn't believe he could do it. I know we were broken up, but I never thought he would take it that far. So I started screaming and told him that he has ruined everything that I thought that we were going to get back together and live together, even get married. He then lost it and said he never knew I was thinking that because he was thinking it, but never brought it up beacause I never brought it up.

 

Well we talked for a long time and I told him I don't think I could ever get over this. I can't understand how he could have done it.

He wants to start our relationship over with a fresh start. He says he'll stop seeing and talking to the other girl. I do not know what to do a part of me is so happy that he and I are now finally ready to start a future, but how can I forget that he slept with her. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start over and I don't know how to get over these feelings of betrayal. We ended the conversation saying that I would think about if I wanted to start over or if I never wanted to talk with him again and end it for good. I am so scared to lose him and to get back together. Is it possible to forgive?

[chelzc]

So, he cheated on you while you were with him and did not tell you about it until what I am assuming is much, much later. He was fickle - never knew what he wanted, went on dates with other girls... still called you... and now that you put your heart on the line - he says he wants to make it work into a long term commitment?

 

Hrmm... doesn't sound promising to me. I understand why you are happy that he still wants to be a part of your life... but I would soul search on this one. He is obviously very secretive and indecisive. Marriage takes partners that can communicate and be loyal.

 

Follow your heart, but use your head on this one. You have always known what you have wanted, why hasn't he? Consider the reasons why he has acted the way he has in the past. Is he insecure, ego ridden, does he have issues with getting to close, etc? Do you think he is a changed man? Are you prepared to go through all of this again in 2 years, 5 years or 10 years? If you know the risks and still think he is the one... go for it, but protect your heart.

[bdub]

Wait a minute, I think the last post got it backwards. He didn't sleep with this girl until AFTER you two broke up, right?

 

OK, if thats the case, then he really has done nothing wrong. You are NOT committed to him or he to you when you are broken up. Thats just the point of breaking up. You are no longer responsible for worrying about your exs feelings. Not to say that you should do thing that you KNOW will hurt them, but you are not in any way responsible for what they feel about you.

 

This is one of those cases where the no contact rule would have been VERY helpful. It is very common for couples to have misunderstandings about what each want for their future. My ex only told me some of the things that I did that hurt her AFTER the relationship ended. I was like "WHAT, I didn't know that hurt you so bad." And it was true. I had no idea that my actions caused her so much pain. How could I have known, she didn't tell me. I'm not a mind reader.

 

So you have to forgive him for not knowing how you felt, if you never told him and vice versa. You have to forgive yourself for not knowing how he felt. Luckily, communication problems can be fixed. It takes work, but it can be done. I suggest you pick up one of the gazillion books that deals with the communication problems at a book store.

 

The problem with trust is a bit more difficult to deal with. It has to come from inside you to trust him again. It can't be forced or faked. It has to be genuine forgiveness if a new relationship is to blossom. I really can't tell you how to forgive somebody, that has to come from inside YOU and from nowhere else. Maybe try talking to a counselor or a wise friend or parent.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub