Past Baggage affecting current relationships .

[HunnyBunch6996]

I have thought alot about my relationship issues and have come to the conclusion that I ALWAYS seem to find the same type man . Why does the man who has been hurt ,lied too , cheated on , taken advantage of , who is emotionally unable to give or receive love ,always seems to find me ? IN the last 2 yrs every man I dated has been hurt by another woman, and it seems to carry over into our relationship ,which is unfair to me . For example ,the last guy I dated said things like

1] I am not going to introduce you to my family /friends until we have at least been together a year ,because the last 2 times I introduced a woman to them , the woman dumped me . { Once again ,why am I being painted with the same brush as your ex's }

2] I have my guard up with you because of how much I have been hurt in the past .{ Evenually you need to let your guard down and let me in or choose to be alone , whichever }

3] I am not interested in getting close to your kids or even getting to know them ,because of what my ex wives kids did to me .{ Hey my kids didn't do anything to you , that is unfair to them .My children was taught to respect adults and know how to behave .}

4] I have been hurt so badly in the past that all I am interested in is being your friend . { So why lie and say you are looking for long term when you really aren't ,is it to just get in my pants that you will say anything ? }

5] I want to take things slow , lets start out as friends , and see what happens , but we can sleep together . { That to me is a FWB and not at all what I am looking for .}

6] I used to be a nice guy until I got hurt over and over again by my ex wives .{ So that means you can try and treat me like shyt }

7] Just to warn you , if you wear heavy make up , say this or that, do this or that , I will make a vapor trail and leave . { OK I just love being with a guy that I feel like everything I say or do is being censored and I have to walk on egg shells with you..........NOT }

8] OH you do this or that just like my ex wife .{ Hey Buddy I am not your ex wife , I am my own person .}

9} I bet you are as money hungry as my ex's . { Nope , I work for a living , own my own home and pay my own bills . I want nothing from you ,but love and companionship .}

10} You are really great , not like any other woman I have ever been with , but I know that will change because ALL you women are alike ,evenually you will show your true colors ,and become a money hungry demanding bytch . {I am my own person and it is not in my nature to be money hungry , demanding or a bytch .}

 

I am looking for a long term committed relationship , but seem to keep finding men who claims to be looking for the same , but once I get to know them ,it becomes totally different . For one reason or another , issues that have nothing to do with me , come into play ,and it is almost like I am being punished for what women in their past has done . How fair is that to me ? Why look for a relationship ,if you aren't willing to work towards that ? Why hold it against me for how other women have hurt you ? I am my own person with my own thoughts ,feelings , and it is really unfair to group me in the same category with past relationships .

I have issues with my past relationships too ,but I have worked on those .I have never compared a current relationship with a past one . I look at each man I choose to get involved with as their own person ,and I HAVE NEVER compare them to my ex's .

I know women do this as well , and I can about guarentee a man will respond to this post by reminding me of that fact .

[SchecterGuy]

As a guy I have somewhat of the same issue. First gf out of nowhere started showing major signs of being bipolar. Second gf came form a broken home and had a lot seperation anxiety (she was from South Carolina). Third gf had major bouts of depression and seperation anxiety from her family. She also came from a fatherless home. I was talking to a girl for a minute late last year and she was telling me about all the fights between her parents and how they would tell her she was a mistake and all this. This one didn't work because race became an issue. I am white and she is Chinese.

 

I seem to only attract girls that have major emotional flaws. It is really starting to wear down on me.

[jo.]

Not sure this will help. First time I have ever posted or responded on this site. I can understand why your starting to believe that you gravitate to these type of individuals, but that is probably only because there are so many of them and it is so common. Sadly, you will never be able to grow anything of value in a union with these type of people. They are trapped by their own thinking and as a result... will spend their future punishing themselves and anyone who wishes to join them. Consider yourself fortunate because your thinking and understanding at least will allow you to be free in your search for something wonderful.

 

Don’t give up. Those who seek the pearl must way through a lot of oysters

[j0shua]

well, on the first part, having been betrayed and recently divorced, i realize that i am a bit of a broken slate so to speak, so i have some sympathy for these guys. however, they are either not ready to move on or have not approached their 'issues' in an appropriate way with you. i feel like everyone has some emotional baggage, and after several dates and becoming closer it may be right for them to share some of their fears and issues w/ you. they should NOT however be saying a lot of this stuff in this manner.

 

if you think they are worth it, maybe try to be understanding, however, it seems they are more than likely not in a good place to date seriously.

 

on the flip side, 3 out of my 4 past relationships have ended in betrayal / cheating of one kind of another. it seems im always trying to find broken women i can help fix. i help support them, fix them, re-build their self-confidence and then they run off w/ someone else. i know i have issues, but i think its mostly that i am attracted to / attract that kind of person.

 

so, i am working on myself to identify how/why this is the case and what i can do to alleviate it...