Good Day / Bad Night

[Godwin]

Hey,

 

Quick update:

 

For the first time in 5 weeks I felt like my old-self, was busy at work and managed not to think about her for most of the day. Even told my friends later on that I was at the end of the darkest tunnel etc and that I was starting a new chapter. All the talk turned to my holiday to Las Vegas, strippers, girls, pool-parties etc and then ALL OF A SUDDEN it hit me, I dont want any of that, I want her back. It was like a hammer to the face.

 

I drove home and for the first time in 8 days I cried for a wee bit. Feel ok now but the lesson to be learned is that OUT OF THE BLUE your mood can just change.

 

:sad: :sad: :sad:

 

I have a wedding on Saturday all day and then my Birthday on Sunday. These will be so difficult to get through but I am wth good friends so will hopefully be ok.

 

The things is that IF she sends me a Birthday Card I will be sad and IF not I will also be sad. Sometimes you can't win. Also IF she sends a card do I respond? That would break NC right?

[deang]

Stay strong...2 steps forward 1 step back but just keep pushing forward. I know how you feel. I had a great night on Tuesday and thought I might have gotten over this in record time and then Wed morning it all came back. Then a girl who likes me told me to just get over it and she'll never want to get back with you and I lost it. A bad night and then this morning wasn't too hot but just got back from the gym and feeling ok about things. Still want her back but don't feel like I'm going to die without her. Just keep taking it day by day. I know some tough days are coming up but hang in there and post on here if you need to...we will support you.

[Godwin]

Bit of an update(another one).

 

My mum meets her in town today and they talk for a few minutes.

 

She is really missing me and worried that I will be ok at this wedding tomorrow(I will be fine) etc etc

 

To cut a long conversation short she mentioned she was confused and needed some time, to which my mum said "he will give you as much time as you need, just ask him", she thought for a minute and said "I will speak to him about it then". * * * !!!

 

Now if you go back to that letter she wrote me, these two things do not compute??? I am so confused by everything to be honest:

 

 

 

Hmmmmm

 

Where do I go from here?, like I have said I have the chance of a date shortly. Do you I go for this date or wait a few weeks?

[PulsarSpin]

Date Date Date !!!

[deang]

don't do anything...she can call you...let her miss you enough to make a move..talking about it to your mom could've just made her miss you...relax...take a breath. They will say these things to friends and family but until they are ready they won't act on it.

[deang]

wait are you talking about a date with someone else? go on the date if you feel you can handle it...I tried and just thought about the ex lol.

[Godwin]

Cheers man, the longer this goes on the stronger I am getting. I sense rightly or wrongly that the longer this goes on for her the more she is missing me.

 

Who knows though? I am now watching for actions, not words or suspicions.

 

Re the Date, she is on holiday for two weeks so can wait for a while. No rush.

 

I will probably just talk about the ex though lol

[deang]

good the more I learn and read on here...the more I believe in NC...they really need time to let go of their negative feelings while you build yourself back up...only the most skilled "students" can do LC with good results...you've got to be one confident bastard to pull it off and few of us are that confident when it comes to our ex's. Crapatnc eventually developed it but it took months and months. Stay strong, improve yourself and let her negative feelings weaken.

[Godwin]

So its my birthday today, have had a great day and went to a great bbq with friends. . .

 

Had a bit of a slip this morning though, woke up after the wedding I was at yesterday, still a bit drunk I think and unfortunetly I texted the ex, "Can we meet to talk?", she obviously ignored the message and has not been in contact to wish me a happy birthday. I am quite mad about that as she ALWAYS send cards to people.

 

How low is that though? Ignoring someone. If she has wrote back "Leave me alone" at least its something. I am starting to get angry now though which is probably a good thing.

 

Also I spoke to her friend at the wedding yesterday, was sitting next to her during the meal. She said that although the ex is missing me etc etc its as if she has a mental block when it comes to getting back with me, she mentioned again the resentment and that I never supported her when I was ill. She also said that my ex had said to tell me "that I am thinking about him on his birthday", I find that a bit patronising to be honest. If she is thinking about me why can't see even text me or send a card???

 

On the plus side I now have a date lined up with a hot 24 year old who I have liked for ages. She is back her holidays next Sunday so can meet up around 10 days time

[deang]

nice Godwin...sounds like you are making progress with yourself except for the text ...I just think she needs space...after awhile they just start remembering the good stuff unless it was really bad which it doesn't sound like it was. All my ex's that called back conveniently forgot all the stuff they said and did and blamed a lot of my not being ready for a commitment or me being upset about something lol.

[Godwin]

nice Godwin...sounds like you are making progress with yourself except for the text ...I just think she needs space...after awhile they just start remembering the good stuff unless it was really bad which it doesn't sound like it was. All my ex's that called back conveniently forgot all the stuff they said and did and blamed a lot of my not being ready for a commitment or me being upset about something lol.

 

Hey Deang. Yeah, although I am not really ready to move on fully, a lot of the hurt has now subsided and I am getting on with my life. I am able to concentrate on day-to-day tasks and although I still think about her I can put her to the back of my mind most of the time.

 

TBH, I am kicking myself for sending that text to her, but some good has came out of it in the sense that its fired me up with some anger and I now realise that more than ever her mind is made up.

 

You are correct re space though as from Day One she has always asked for "space and time", the snippet below was sent in an email 2 weeks after we split:

 

"I am missing you too. i do think we need to have a break though and step back and reassess our relationship/friendship and whats important to us.

 

I do think we should do different stuff and go on holiday in september with our friends this summer. As you said life is a long time and we have 50 more years hopefully to settle down and/or continue travelling."

 

This then turned back into a FULL ON split though.

 

For any other person I would say we had a 50% chance of getting back together, with her though I would day a 0.000001% chance as she is stubborn as hell and has NEVER admitted that she is wrong.

 

Anyway all I can do now is get on with my life, her number has been deleted from my phone and I am busy the next few weekends so there is no way I will bang into her.

[Godwin]

Further thoughts for the day:

 

If she loved me she wouldn't put me through this pain.

If she wanted me back she would have agreed to meet for a coffee/chat.

If she wants time/space she would have asked for this, I offered it to her.

If she really cared about me she would have sent a birthday card/text.

If she wanted to EVER get back with me she wouldn't ignore me.

 

To cut a long story short and to re-iterate what someone told me on here weeks ago.

 

"Its all about ACTIONS"...

 

Despite her telling my mum on Friday "she would need to talk to me" and despite her telling her friend that she was "thinking about me". These are just words. Like anything in life its all about actions. These have not and will not be forthcoming.

 

As is natural, I still harbour this fantasy that she is one day going to call and want be back. The reality is that its NOT going to happen. I need to get this out my head ASAP. I get the feeling my full summer is going to be leading up to the moment that she first contacts me and tells me that she is seeing someone else or that we WILL NEVER be together.

 

Yeah, I am getting on with my life but today I have the Monday blues

 

Still, got a date to look forward to and its only 4 days to the weekend

[deang]

It's all about you now...whatever you need to do to help you move on. I have the same fantasy as you do but right now I have to do what I need to make myself better. I'm not any good to anyone right now and I have an excellent woman that seems like she's waiting for me to get out of this funk. I'm hoping she's still around in a month or two when I'm finally back in the game. The important thing is that we become stronger and healthy so that we can explore the great relationships out there waiting for us and maybe even re-explore some old relationships with our stronger and healthier outlook.

 

Some days will be better than others but we just keep moving forward.

[Godwin]

Thanks Dean, you are a good listener and offer good advice

 

Today I have sort of come to terms with the fact that its 100% over and that she is not going to be in contact anytime soon (we still have a flat together) so need to talk to her around December.

 

The reality is that the only positives that have come out of the last three weeks are two chance meetings with my mum. The fact of the matter is that she is speaking to my mum, she is hardly going to say anything nasty about me.

 

I spoke with her good friend on Saturday and previously her friend had been like "give her time" etc, she never said a word to me about her on this occasion though. So thats another minus.

 

The final nail in the coffins is ignoring me on my birthday, that is a low low act and I dont know if I can forgive her for that.

 

Your right though, it is ALL ABOUT ME now, going to get back on my bike this week and get even fitter!

 

CANT wait for my date also

[Godwin]

Not feeling great this morning...

 

After a few days of feeling pretty good and getting some confidence back, I suddenly feel terrible again.

 

I had a chat with a friend yesterday night and he has basically helped me to rationalise that she is NEVER coming back. I guess because she is still single and will be for a while that I harboured this fantasy of a return, I have also been reading into situations that don't exist, namely her converstions

with my mum that sugggest that she is still confused and is going to talk to me. Like I have said previously however she has ignored my texts and having spoken with mutual friends she seems 100% resolute.

 

I guess she is now moving on with her life and although she thinks about me, she probably pitys me more than anything else.

 

To top this off I had a dream that she was seeing someone, I used to have these dreams when I was with her and when I woke she would be next to me, this morning however I was alone

 

I guess you could say that I have left the DENIAL stage and hit the ACCEPTANCE stage.

 

I suppose every day is a step in the healing process though.

[Godwin]

Update: My friend from overseas just forwarded me an email that the ex had sent to his wife.

 

This was 2 weeks ago and I was not supposed to see it:

 

After 7 years, I decided to split up with Godwin a four weeks ago. I have not been happy for about a year now [since i returned to work after 9 months signed off sick]. I didnt feel he was really there for me when I was off and just the arguments over the years has brought too much resentment on my behalf. I started to detach myself from him a while ago. its come as a big shock for him though and he is devasted. its awful seeing somone so distraught and I feel so bad . He keeps texting and e-mailing and coming round pleading to take him back. Its really hard as we have done so much over the years together with loads of good memories but I can feel it in my bones I need to move on now. I know there is someone out there more suited for me.

 

Note: The bit about texting, emailing and coming round is a TOTAL lie. I have NOT once pleaded and only went round when she invited me.

 

Also if she had started to detach herself then why the hell did she book a Wedding venue 10 weeks ago and shout at me for not buying an engagement ring?????

 

At least it answers some questions but also raises a few more, personally I think she is still trying to convince herself that she has done the right thing. She hasn't.

[Godwin]

Broke NC to send her this, I am glad I did it, needed to get this off my chest:

 

Now I am feeling stronger and perhaps angrier, I just need to get off my chest how much your actions over the last few weeks have messed me up. I know its never easy breaking up with someone, but that is really no excuse for the way you have went about things. I am sure somewhere you actually think that you are the victim in all this.

 

From day one right through to that letter you wrote me a couple of weeks ago. You have acted nothing but callously:

 

Inviting me to that thing at the xxxxx Hall, which was so difficult for me yet basically ignoring me for xxxxx most of the night and lauging when I tried to open my heart to you.

 

Giving me some false hope in an email by suggesting that we have a break for over the summer then a few days later telling me to move on with my life.

 

Ignoring me on my birthday, probably the lowest thing I have ever experienced.

 

Using me to help you move in your flat. No matter how much you convince yourself, that is what happened.

 

That you cant even tell me face-to-face what the real problems are, why we couldn't have given me a second chance, why we couldn't have worked at this? One line in an email to explain this.

 

The most callous act is the fact you NEVER even entertained giving me a second chance after SEVEN years. Most people find that unbelievable, it is such a long time, yet you completely shut me out of your life despite me changing enormously and agreeing with everything that you said. Decent people just don't do things like that. If you needed time, you could have asked, I think that is the least I could have given you. Decent people don't book wedding venue's one minute and walk out the next. You never even really talked to me about it, I am still confused as to why we split. Resentment, really isn't a good enough reason to leave someone.

 

Anyway if resentment really is the reason then I have no idea how you can go on about faith yet not be able to forgive and forget. We were not the first relationship to have had problems and won't be the last, most people work through things though. Everyone has ups and downs, everyone has arguments, everyone says things that deeply regret. That day you came round to my flat with that list you utterly obliterated me and everything about my character. Suggesting I would not be a good father, that I would not be there to support you and the worst: Telling me that I AM not a nice person. Look in the mirror Lxxxx.

 

Its funny, when I tell people that I used to work with that you left me because I never supported you when you were ill, they find that strange, they recall me being worried sick, spending all day surfing the net for information, of me bursting into tears the Xmas party because I was so stressed and upset. Yet you make it out that I didn't care about you. I was WORRIED sick for months Lxxxx, I am the first to admit I should have been with you 100% of the time but hindsight is a great thing and I apologise for that.

 

Our problems were not that fundamental Lxxxx, they were superficial, because unfortunetly that's the way I was. Everyone that knows me knows that deep down I am a nice, caring, loving person, perhaps I am not that good at showing it and I always act the fool, never paid you enough attention, but something like this breakup has really shown me the person I truly am. Perhaps by attempting to expose my faults your are actually exposing your own insecurities.

 

I have no idea where this leaves me in my life now, how can I ever trust anyone again?, get close to anyone again? I can't even begin to imagine. You have messed me up badly.

 

I will tell you this right now Lxxxx, you have made a HUGE mistake, you have given up someone who unconditionally loved you, who was fun, interesting, who would make a fantastic father and ultimately after this full breakup, now realises the importance of support. I have NO idea what you want out of life Lxxxx, perhaps that living in your parents shadow has perhaps given you a false impression of what relationships are about, perhaps not. I honestly don't know. I do know that your parents would have been able to forgive and work at happeniness. The relationship DID need this Lxxxx, I am aware of that, but you learn from mistakes and move on, running away was not the answer.

 

I do not expect any response, that's clearly above you now.

 

 

I am glad I sent this, she needs to realise that her actions were inapproriate.

 

Like I said, she thinks that she is the victim in all of this.

[Godwin]

Aaaaarggggghhhhh

 

Got a response to that email, I have finally got the closure I need, no * * * * * -footing around, no bullsh*t, a good old fashioned 'ITS OVER, FACE IT' email.

 

She is moving away in a few months time to start a new job and wishes me well. Likewise I wish her well.

 

The reason that she never gave me a second chance is because she had been giving me "seven years of chances".

 

She has answered 99% of my questions and now I can move on with my life.

 

I am sad but relieved.

 

Now all I need to do is heal.

[deang]

I hope that helped you and we'll be around to see the exciting results as you move forward towards being strong and happier.

[Godwin]

I hope that helped you and we'll be around to see the exciting results as you move forward towards being strong and happier.

 

Thanks, yeah, I think because there was no-one else on the scene and also because I am in denial it was hard to get over the situation. Deep down I knew that it was over from day one as she is a stubborn person.

 

I feel sad today, but I realise that she is not coming back. Never. We have agreed to stay friends (in a few months time) although this will entail the odd email/Xmas card, to be honest thats not important to me.

 

I am now ready to move on. I will continue to update this thread with my thoughts as I am far from out the woods.

[Godwin]

Things I realised today:

 

She was not happy for a while, probably a year. The signs were there. Her job, living with her parents and me.

 

After she recovered from her illness things had changed. She had thought too many negative thoughts which led to resentment.

 

The big argument that we had was the straw that broke the camels back. It all came to a head then.

 

The inital break fortnight, the 3 weeks of afters in June etc were natural confusion. Her mind WAS made up after that argument though.

 

I DID take her for granted and was immature. it took this split to realise that. We SHOULD have seriously talked sooner, I should have initiated that.

 

She should have given me a second chance, taken things slowly or had a break. 7 years is a long time not to try and work at something especially when she has since acknowledged I have changed.

 

Getting engaged was not going to help, it would have ended in a far messier breakup or possibly divorce.

 

Not moving in together made us grow apart, as did her being ill. We never really had a great chance in life because of that.

 

Everyone has arguments, realise that.

 

Running away to another town might help her short term, longer term, the same problems will exist.

 

She still cares for me and probably loves me. Not contacting you is her way of blanking out her feelings

 

We will NEVER get back together, that is for the best

 

She is/was a bit screwed up, don't blame yourself entirely. She will always live in her fathers shadow.