26 and lost

[brian123]

I am a single 26 year old male with two BS degrees, an MS, and am working on my PhD in Computer Science. I have also worked full time for the last 4 years for a large company with great pay/benefits etc....I have a good family, good friends, good health, I like to think I am reasonably good looking. I am very fortunate in many ways and most people believe I am doing very well for myself.

 

However, for the last 6-12 months I've felt like life is stale. I'm not talking about killing myself, or depression or anything like that, but it seems like life has lost alot of it's zeal. (On a side note, I went through a strange BU with my fiance ~4 months ago which I am still kind of coming out of in many ways). Everyday I come into work, it is not challenging and I spend more time on these forums than doing work (yet I still get pats on the back from my bosses). I guess a good way to describe me is like the main guy from office space.

 

~2 years ago, I was looking into joining the army reserves, I stopped when I met my ex.

~6 months ago I was looking at joining the national guard. I postponed that while I went through my strange BU

~1 month ago I began focusing on the Marines.

 

Time is running out on all of these options. IDK, I feel like I have tons to be thankful for, but I just want more out of life. I do not feel overly challenged on a daily basis. For the last 2-3 weeks I met a girl and became infatuated with her (not stalking etc...) but she has always been on my mind. While I was focused on her, I thought "wow, who am I kidding, I'd never join the military." Now that Ive kind of moved on from her (she hasn't really reciprocated) I am again focusing on the military. It seems like in many ways, I jump from one grand idea to the next but never follow through with most of them. It seems like I need to focus on something.

 

At 26, many of my friends are already married and have had kids, and I am still single. Quetions which I ask myself are "Do I focus more on finding a partner and settling down like everyone else, or should I use my youth to serve my country/experience life etc.... and maybe worrying about settling down later?"

 

Anyone been in these shoes/have any advice?

[just M.E.]

Yes, I think it is a form of depression and maybe a touch of ADD. The grand ideas give us a lift, an emotional boost but we don't always follow through. Sometimes the grand ideas aren't what we should be doing, but what we want to, or dream of.

 

Have you tried therapy? It helps focus you ideas and you learn to distinguish between the grand ideas that can't be realities and what you can do and then move on those.

 

You've done a lot with your life already and you are set up for a burn out or slump, it's not uncommon. We rush into these growth cycles, then learn life can have long periods of the mundane. The emotional and mental stimulus of the growth cycle fades and we feel flat.

 

Just some thoughts from what I have experienced.

[Supa_gurl]

Wow. I don't even know you and I am proud of you. In your short life so far you have accomplished so many things that I only dream of. I am 32 and just NOW a college student. And hope to finish sometime within the next century. I agree that you are just in a funk...You need to find something else to occupy your time (besides ENA). Are you athletic? Maybe join a co-ed softball team or something. You are so young, get out there and live.

[joesonlineaucs]

Join a gym and get a friend to go. Im a comp. science major

[brian123]

I am reasonably athletic. I've been playing basketball/football/canoeing weekly and lift weights for 3-6 hrs/week.

 

TY for saying all I have accomplished, part of me feels like I have not accomplished anything though.

 

For the last 4 months I get up at 430, get to work by 515. Half work, half spend time on ENA/surfing the web until 4. Go to the gym until 6. Come back do HW from 6-830 (or socialize with friends) then go home and go to bed by 10. On fri/sat nights I go out with friends. On saturdays I do HW most of the day and sundays I attend church and am bored/lonely/lathargic/looking for things to do during the day. The same thing happens every week.

[Roasted Carrots]

Maybe you could do some sort of volunteer work? That always seems to give people meaning.

 

It sounds like you're just in a rut. You need to shake things up a little. You mentioned joining serveral branches of the military....Why does that appeal to you? Is it the danger? The travel? The service to your country?

[Mlost]

Just a thought, but is right now really the best time to join the military?

[brian123]

Maybe you could do some sort of volunteer work? That always seems to give people meaning.

 

It sounds like you're just in a rut. You need to shake things up a little. You mentioned joining serveral branches of the military....Why does that appeal to you? Is it the danger? The travel? The service to your country?

 

Lol, I volunteer on average 1 night a week (sorting food/medical supplies etc...)

 

I guess the military route entices me because it is different, gives me excitement, services to my country, respect I would garner, and the fact that it's not like I am married/going to have kids anytime soon so I might as well try this phase of my life. I guess the military excites the hell out of me, but scares the hell out of me too since it is so totally unknown and it's not like you can get out (plus there is obviously 2 wars going on.)

 

IDK, deep down I think the military concept is like an escape route for me. I think that life isn't very great/exciting to me now, but I am working for something in the future. I believe much of my feeling of fulfillment comes from me working towards something. When I am in a relationship, I am working towards maybe getting married (no matter how far down the road it may be) and when I am single, I am not working towards anything

[Whiskers]

It's s shame you didn't learn something along the lines of chemistry - you could have cured cancer in your spare time

 

Maybe what you need is to take up an extreme sport? Or to go on a challenging holiday...climb mount everest!

Something to put your teeth in.

Possibly a group where you can meet new peple and bump into women with similar interests as you...someone who challenges you in all areas. Without the challenge, you're going to be bored and that's half the problem.

XXXX

[Jeen]

Brian 123

mmm set yourself new challenges, you need to find more in life than work and the internet. Start a hobby you know nothing about and always thought you want to do, go travel a year or two. There is a lot you can do with the degrees you have, you really don't need to join the military to see the world. "Google a few international companies"

[Roasted Carrots]

I think you should look into it again. I looked into it as well (to help pay for college, but also for travel) but decided against it because I met someone wonderful and didn't want to be away from him, and also found other ways to cut college costs.

 

I vaugly remember 26 being the "cutoff" for joining, though. I also remember that joining the reserves is a different experiance, and might be doable with your lifestyle.

 

But I would also try to look into if you can achieve those in any other ways. Maybe a more exciting job, one with respect and excitement.

 

But think hard before you go the military route. It is dangerous with two wars, and even if you aren't married with kids you still have attachments you'd be away from. Also, I would look into the Air Force, from what I've heard it's better treatment. Or try to get into the medical side somehow.

 

From reading your post it sounds like you envisioned your life quite differently, and have always sort of wanted to try the military.

[brian123]

Without the challenge, you're going to be bored and that's half the problem.

XXXX

 

 

That's much of it. When I am not challenged, I get bored.

 

I should note that leaving my company is not really an option since they've paid for my schooling, if I left I'd owe them ~ $60k US. If I did the military, I'd do a reserve route and thereforeee get out of owing my company the money back.

[Whiskers]

Hmmm, my fiance just backed out of doing his masters at MIT or Carnigie Melon (spelling) for that reason. I can't stay in Portugal - I'm not a fan of the heat and I have alot more in england...and he refuses to let me go back alone to do a LDR. He would have been tied in for about 5 years and I think I would have been a pile of bored unstimulated moosh on the floor if it had happened - but I never pushed him not to take the opportunity...it wouldn't have been right.

But I hear what you're saying, you're stuck at work because you owe it to them. What kind of friends do you have? Do you travel much?

[StretchGee]

I believe much of my feeling of fulfillment comes from me working towards something. When I am in a relationship, I am working towards maybe getting married (no matter how far down the road it may be) and when I am single, I am not working towards anything

 

Given you have the resources, you should speak with a therapist about being a workaholic. I've hit a similar flat line funk even though I've not done half what you have done and I am in my forties. (Ironically, I though of the military as well!

 

For me I feel it is an issue with always "doing, doing, doing". Based on my reading this is not uncommon in our hyperactive world. People do it all the time with kids, social networks, careers. We forget how to just be.

[brian123]

Good advice from everyone. About me being a workaholic, much of me works so long because I would just be bored at home. I work out enough, I don't really watch tv.

 

For me, the military doesn't entice me just because of travel, it is because it would be something different, something most people don't do. Plus right now, I feel like my life is empty. I might as well use my youth. The age cutoff is coming up sometime soon, and I might as well experience this while I am young/able/single. IDK.

 

I go to FL 4x/yr for school. My friends are pretty good friends who are good to talk to and would be there for me if I ever needed them (they were there for me during my last BU)

[hockeyboy]

i've felt similar to what what your feeling before.

 

is there anyway you can make work more challenging for yourself? tell your boss your ready to take on more? find projects you can work on?

[brian123]

i've felt similar to what what your feeling before.

 

is there anyway you can make work more challenging for yourself? tell your boss your ready to take on more? find projects you can work on?

 

IDK, I guess i just don't see how I would benefit from the challenge? I wouldn't really get paid anymore. I just feel bleh when it comes to work, I don't care anymore. I do maybe 3 hours worth of real work a day.

[carbon14]

Dude-I was in the same boat ~6 months ago. Out of curiosity, do your feelings of being lost coincide with writing your dissertation?

 

It sounds to me like you've lost your passion for your field. Clearly you love computer science enough to endure almost a decade of schooling in that field, but you don't feel your job is making use of all this awesome knowledge and experience you gained through your education. That's how I felt in my first post-school job & it really made me feel like "now what?"

 

My advice-talk to someone already in the army/reserves/whatever branch you're looking at and see what it's all about. Given your experience and education in computers, I sincerely doubt you will be placed in any serious danger zones. In fact, you probably get to work with the latest technology available and I think that will help you rediscover your passion.

[hockeyboy]

IDK, I guess i just don't see how I would benefit from the challenge? I wouldn't really get paid anymore. I just feel bleh when it comes to work, I don't care anymore. I do maybe 3 hours worth of real work a day.

 

if your challenged, hopefully you wouldn't feel "bleh"

 

it sounds like although your doing okay with your breakup and moving on okay...you're still adjusting to being single, which is okay/normal.

[brian123]

Dude-I was in the same boat ~6 months ago. Out of curiosity, do your feelings of being lost coincide with writing your dissertation?

 

It sounds to me like you've lost your passion for your field. Clearly you love computer science enough to endure almost a decade of schooling in that field, but you don't feel your job is making use of all this awesome knowledge and experience you gained through your education. That's how I felt in my first post-school job & it really made me feel like "now what?"

 

My advice-talk to someone already in the army/reserves/whatever branch you're looking at and see what it's all about. Given your experience and education in computers, I sincerely doubt you will be placed in any serious danger zones. In fact, you probably get to work with the latest technology available and I think that will help you rediscover your passion.

 

 

I am still in the course mode and haven't reached the dissertation phase. I understand they probably wouldn't stick me on the front lines based on my education level, but even if I were moping floors at a hospital it is still a HUGE commitment. I guess a large part of this thread is me figuring out what I want out of life. In the last year, especially since my last BU, I've begun to re-evaluate things in life and I am realizing I'm beginning to get older and that you only live once.

 

I guess I would love to find a soulmate /passion but would also like to have a sense of adventure in my life and fear that if I do the military (I can assume that will eat up 1-2 yrs of my life w/training deployments etc...) then I may miss the chance to meet others, start a family etc....

[brian123]

if your challenged, hopefully you wouldn't feel "bleh"

 

it sounds like although your doing okay with your breakup and moving on okay...you're still adjusting to being single, which is okay/normal.

 

I am adjusting Ok to my BU regarding all circumstances. I even began to focus on this other girl, but that is another story.

 

 

 

I guess I am in the phase of what do I want out of life?

[hockeyboy]

The harder the path, the more magnificent the glory.

 

i like it...

[brian123]

Thanks for the advice all. IDK if it is normal for me to be feeling like this. Honestly, my main funk has been since I BU with my ex fiance 3.5 months ago. To make a long story short, 90 days before our wedding, she had some sort of bipolar episode where she decided to move accross the country after thinking about it for an entire 2 days (didn't end up moving) but sent me a long email telling me how much she loved me and how great I was and how much she wanted to be with me, but couldn't be with anyone right now. She then basically fell off the face of the earth a few days after we BU and I haven't spoken to her since. (Obviously left me totally hurt/confused)

 

I've been dating others/moving on but I still get down. A big part of my downward feeling the last couple of days is that I kind of started thinking too quickly about a relationship with this girl I've known for about a month. I got ahead of myself and my expectations (things didn't work out) so now I am in an extra funk over these last few days. IDK, I guess I feel a sense of anxiety/lack of confidence (second guessing myself about decisions) about alot of things. I've always dwelled on the past for too long. A girl that I wasn't too sure how much I liked shouldn't do this to me. I think I liked the idea of a relationship more than the girl.

 

Sorry for the ramble, I guess this is just one of the harder times in life for me.

[JoJo90814]

Do a Google search on "quarter life crisis." It is actually very interesting.

There are safer less psychologically damaging ways of servicing your country. I say take a year off or some time off and travel. There are many volunteer organizations out there that you can check out to help in another country or even in another state in this country. Also there is teaching English and getting paid to do it in other countries and you can go from country to country. There is the Peace Corps as well.

 

I am in my quarter life crisis right now and feel like life is so stale and boring. So for the summer I am going to sublet an apartment by the beach and do some temp work/volunteer to get away and out of my funk.

[brian123]

I don't know why, but I just feel empty/pointless lately. I really latched onto this one girl I was sort of seeing, and for some reason, it just tore me apart. It feels like I latched my life around the idea of a relationship, that I molded it to be around this girl. I feel like I took allthe focus of my life and placed it on her. Considering we've only hung out a few times, and it took my a few times for me to realize I liked her, this is totally not healthy at all.

 

Right now, I feel like I lack confidence. Both confidence in myself, and confidence that I will ever settle down/wife/kids etc...

 

I just feel like I am in a total funk.