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Why don't I love him?


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OK, I'll try and keep this as brief as possible.


All through my first year at uni I had a boyfriend who was at uni a couple of hours away. One of my hallmates had a girlfriend all through first year. We became good friends.


Last September we both came back to our new house newly single. We quickly began to get quite close (eg cuddling)... it's probably fair to say at first this was a rebound thing for me, and probably for him too.



After a few months we were kissing and spending a lot of time together. We have 'fooled around' a bit too since February. He started saying he loves me a few months ago... However despite being the loveliest guy I just don't feel like I want to go out with him...


Why don't I like him? He's funny, kind, romantic, sweet, intelligent, good looking (although not my typical type), generous, I get on well with his family and we have so much fun together. When we've been fooling around he has turned me on quite quickly... and yet there's something missing. When I'm away from him I don't miss him like I missed my ex (even though looking back my ex was a bit of an idiot...)


I guess really I'm just wondering what people think about this and why I don't fancy him as such... I'm going abroad for a year in August so won't be seeing him much. I'm hoping being away from him will make me realise I do in fact miss him and need him and make me want us be together...


Can you ever make yourself fall in love with someone?

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No, you can't make yourself fall in love with them.


The spark just isn't there and you can't help that. You both deserve to be with people that you are madly in love with, so, it's probably good to break it off.


If you don't want to do that, maybe try doing things to build you as a couple. Maybe in order to fall in love, you need to spend time doing different things besides just cuddling.

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He sounds painfully boring. I'm always romantically interested in people who appear to have many more problems.


EDIT: I should have answered you more seriously. There is a school of thought that contends that we all need to be working out some kind of childhood trauma or issue with our romantic partners, and if we imagine that there's nothing to be worked out that it is impossible for us to feel any real passion toward that person. I'm not saying whether this is right or wrong, but the theory, if true, would go a loooong way in explaining why so many of us seem to actually prefer people who are no good for us.


And of course, there's another school of thought that will tell you that you will only allow yourself to be with someone you imagine you are good enough for, and vice versa, so in that case, this person would represent someone either too good for you, or else not good enough. Only you could tell yourself, unfortunately, what those reasons may be after lots of self discovery.


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I like Jettison's second theory, not so much the first.


Quite apart from that, some men associate sex with depravity. (e.g. Seinfeld Episode "The Sponge".) I wonder if this is true for women also.


A way of explaining the second theory, is that we feel more connection with people with whom we can sympathise - e.g. if we understand them. Clearly, if a person is too good, then we might difficult understanding them, even though we admire them as hell.

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