Why is letting go so hard? Its a reality I cant seem to face, any advice on how?

[Pharm11]

Its has been one month and 3 days since he broke up with me. I cant seem to let go of all the memories...his ex's image.(which angers me, since he is back home he is with her or something). I am tossing back and forth between what a good guy to he is with his ex..to why cant he call me...: (.

 

I want this to stop. I want myself back, my life. Please HELP!

[i_win]

Not that much time has passed to be perfectly honest with you. It's interesting because people come on here and claim that NC is the best way to get over someone. I agree it is a great method, but the only true healer is time. The only difference between people that have suffered from a breakup is what they do with themselves between now and the point in time when they have healed.

 

The main goal after a breakup is to simply preoccupy yourself with anything and everything that keeps your mind off the ex. Focusing on yourself, family, friends, exercise, music, career - it all helps to pass the time. It allows that emotional connection between you and your ex to dissipate.

 

I never thought I'd heal, but I did. I never thought I'd let go, but I did. I never thought I'd find someone else, but I did.

 

You will to. Stay strong.

[hamsalad]

Agree with everything i_win said. It is very true. Occupy your time with anything you can think of. Hobbies, hang out with friends, and so on. Also, pack away or throw away anything that your ex gave you or left behind. That helped me a lot so I didn't see reminders all the time. I even stay out of the parts of town that remind me of her. It WILL continue to be a rough road, but eventually the asphalt will return and it will be a smooth highway. It just takes time.

[headunderwater]

With a relationship you have to go thru the same stages of grief you do with death. Not to make death seem less severe, but you are mourning the death of your relationship as well as the loss of someone very close to you. It will take time, it will take alot of different thoughts and feelings. Just know there is a end to it, it just will be a bit in coming.

[tangi39]

Its has been one month and 3 days since he broke up with me. I cant seem to let go of all the memories...his ex's image.(which angers me, since he is back home he is with her or something). I am tossing back and forth between what a good guy to he is with his ex..to why cant he call me...: (.

 

I want this to stop. I want myself back, my life. Please HELP!

 

 

Sounds like he really loved his ex and not you- So stop obessesing, he's certainly not. Why be angry and continue to hurt yourself over someone who doesn't even care about you ? You have your own identity and he is not a part of your life. Don't feel that your only value was him.

Calm down and de-stress. Treat yourself to things you enjoy. Get back to getting to know yourself and boosting your confidence. Do things for YOU.

Think about the positive- You don't have to please anyone but yourself. Look at this as an opportnity. Take a trip you've always wanted to go on.

Chances are once you get that confidence and sense of self back- You might meet someone who is perfect for you, who likes you just as you are, who is ready for a relationship and will treat you with the respect you deserve.

I know it's easier said than done when you are hurting, but take baby steps and they will grow. But be proactive. The pain won't go away by sitting around and brooding.

 

Good Luck !

[hamsalad]

I believe that "letting go" AKA "Acceptance" is the HARDEST part of the healing process. People think it is NC, but it's not. If you are still contacting them, you have not reached the "acceptance" phase, IMO. You actually sound like you are in the acceptance phase. You are obviously in pain, but you sound like you know what's going on - you are not in denial. ( I was in denial for WEEKS! ) ..thereforeeee, I believe from here on out you will start to move forward. I think you are going through the hardest part of the healing and grieving process right now. You will come through this..

 

Absolutely right on the money!

[Pharm11]

I believe that "letting go" AKA "Acceptance" is the HARDEST part of the healing process. People think it is NC, but it's not. If you are still contacting them, you have not reached the "acceptance" phase, IMO. You actually sound like you are in the acceptance phase. You are obviously in pain, but you sound like you know what's going on - you are not in denial. ( I was in denial for WEEKS! ) ..thereforeeee, I believe from here on out you will start to move forward. I think you are going through the hardest part of the healing and grieving process right now. You will come through this..

 

You are right, acceptance is truly the hardest part, if this is what I am going through.

 

 

I actually went out and did something for MYSELF today!!!!

 

I GOT my nose pierced!!!!!!, always wanted one. And I noe my ex likes them. I deleted facebook and we are in two diff cities, he wont even see it. Honestly I did it a little for him to be like in your face, and mostly for me. I have always wanted one!!!!

I vowed to myself that, I will put my pic up with my new nose ring when I dont care what he thinks. so 53 more days of NC should help and then hope to GOD I should be back on my feet.

 

I got too much to lose!!!!

[Pharm11]

sounds good misskitty!!!! how is your day so far?

[KaylaJoy]

With a relationship you have to go thru the same stages of grief you do with death. Not to make death seem less severe, but you are mourning the death of your relationship as well as the loss of someone very close to you. It will take time, it will take alot of different thoughts and feelings. Just know there is a end to it, it just will be a bit in coming.

 

this is so true, and I've always thought this. I always felt bad for grieving and once told my therapist that I felt bad because other people went thru stuff so much harder than I, and she said "yes that is true, but do not minimize the pain you are suffering". Grief is grief...it may come in different ways, but it is still grief. You have to give yourself time to get past the grief before you can think about healing. It takes time.

[justkeepon]

I'm in college and I learned to let go of hardships with friendships and relationships. Indeed it was difficult for me, but I remembered what my true goals are in life and that really helped me get over it. I know everyone can't relate, but I hope I helped somewhat.

[Pharm11]

True, but in my goals he was part of. But its stupid of me that when we were in the relationship, he was never in, it was all me making a dream come true, alone....

[Pharm11]

I cant believe I was so BLIND. I shouldve known he will do something like this. But I was covered in hope and this love I had for him now all that is left is a broken heart. It is so hard to get out of bed today.

[brian123]

It is hard to let go. The only thing you can do is to give it all time. Its been twice as long for me, and I am still having a hard time letting go.

[i_win]

There really is no formula. Just time. Eventually your mind will grow tired of constantly missing, thinking, and analyzing the person that you were with and your brain subconsciously lets go of those thoughts cause it is doing you know good. Eventually this catches up with the conscious side of your brain and that's when you just let go. You will still think of this person, don't get me wrong, but your thoughts on needing to be with that person and wanting to get back together will be entirely apathetic.

[brian123]

In my case (and I believe in the case of others as well) When you let go you are admitting that things are over. Holding onto things is your last life preserver you have before you swim into uncharted territory. Our heads are telling us that it is over, and what happened was for the best, but our fear holds us back.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, I find that hope is only evil...it just prolongs the inevitable, which is moving on with my life.

 

I am in the acceptance stage myself (with just a touch of denial-haha). But accepting he's not coming back into my life and accepting that he doesn't need me in his life because he chose another is quite difficult to comprehend. It's pure rejection, so of course it hurts deeply.

 

But you cannot change the choice he has made. He already decided. Keep reminding yourself of that. You can only control your own actions and choices. Promise yourself that you will choose to treat yourself better.

[brian123]

Yeah, I find that hope is only evil...it just prolongs the inevitable, which is moving on with my life.

 

I am in the acceptance stage myself (with just a touch of denial-haha). But accepting he's not coming back into my life and accepting that he doesn't need me in his life because he chose another is quite difficult to comprehend. It's pure rejection, so of course it hurts deeply.

 

But you cannot change the choice he has made. He already decided. Keep reminding yourself of that. You can only control your own actions and choices. Promise yourself that you will choose to treat yourself better.

 

 

I believe it is best when they close out all hope at the beginning. My ex openly left the door open for us in the future, and it has only made things harder.

[Pharm11]

Yeah, I find that hope is only evil...it just prolongs the inevitable, which is moving on with my life.

 

I am in the acceptance stage myself (with just a touch of denial-haha). But accepting he's not coming back into my life and accepting that he doesn't need me in his life because he chose another is quite difficult to comprehend. It's pure rejection, so of course it hurts deeply.

 

But you cannot change the choice he has made. He already decided. Keep reminding yourself of that. You can only control your own actions and choices. Promise yourself that you will choose to treat yourself better.

 

Acceptance with a touch of denial, same here. I had my break down this morning. My first ex is still after me I am denying him and sadly this last one doesnt want me. Ironic : (. I had a really big big reason y me and my first ex cant be together. This past relationship hurts becasue I really loved him, and he just left...

 

hope sucks too, but I dont know if there is hope...its all about if its meant to be when we meet again...

[justkeepon]

You said it correctly! When your subconscious mind lets go, it will alleviate everything for your conscious.

 

There really is no formula. Just time. Eventually your mind will grow tired of constantly missing, thinking, and analyzing the person that you were with and your brain subconsciously lets go of those thoughts cause it is doing you know good. Eventually this catches up with the conscious side of your brain and that's when you just let go. You will still think of this person, don't get me wrong, but your thoughts on needing to be with that person and wanting to get back together will be entirely apathetic.

[Pharm11]

You said it correctly! When your subconscious mind lets go, it will alleviate everything for your conscious.

 

justkeepon...have you experienced this? I cant wait till that day, when he is the last thing on my mind rather than the very first. I dont know why I am giving him so much credit..he left me!!

[justkeepon]

Haha yeah! I sure have! And, honestly, IT FEELS SO GREAT!!!!!!!!!! IT FEELS SO, SO GREAT!!!!!!! It's literally like the best feelings ever!!!!! Alotta people don't realize that emotions are much more than just a simple thing that we can control, it's a deep, deep mental thing. I must say this, the main thing the helped me was a combination of many things: building up my high self-esteem, doing research on being positive and accepting things, comparing my situations of much worse ones, focusing on my true goals in life, and also, I realized that I seriously don't need certain people in my life that cut ties with me, I'm MUCH better off with out them! I love myself, I love who I am, I love what I do. ALL of this is what made me feel good!!!

 

I hope I helped. =)

 

justkeepon...have you experienced this? I cant wait till that day, when he is the last thing on my mind rather than the very first. I dont know why I am giving him so much credit..he left me!!

[Pharm11]

yes it has. Its nice to know that its a great feeling. I cant wait to get there and I will take your advice on what you did for yourself. Thanks, and thanks for coming on here to help the heart broken out : ).

[i_win]

Haha yeah! I sure have! And, honestly, IT FEELS SO GREAT!!!!!!!!!! IT FEELS SO, SO GREAT!!!!!!! It's literally like the best feelings ever!!!!! Alotta people don't realize that emotions are much more than just a simple thing that we can control, it's a deep, deep mental thing. I must say this, the main thing the helped me was a combination of many things: building up my high self-esteem, doing research on being positive and accepting things, comparing my situations of much worse ones, focusing on my true goals in life, and also, I realized that I seriously don't need certain people in my life that cut ties with me, I'm MUCH better off with out them! I love myself, I love who I am, I love what I do. ALL of this is what made me feel good!!!

 

I hope I helped. =)

 

Ahh, I know this feeling well. It is the person that has truly healed and bettered themself in the process. It is unmistakable when you see it and feel it.

[justkeepon]

I'm glad I helped. Yeah. Just remember, always be happy for what you do. Always have fun and be responsible for what you have to do in your life.