what if the "ex" is in the picture?

[raider5]

Ok I'll try and make this as short as possible, but I'm sure it will be long. (Let me thank you all for helping me through a tough time.)

 

My ex, let's call her Jane, met a guy, let's call him Joe, about 3 years ago. After a year of teaching at the same school Jane and Joe started dating they had a long distance relationship for a year and it was Jane's intention to go to the same grad school he was in already. Well when she didn't get in, he said that he couldn't take the long distance thing anymore (if this was the actual reason or not I don't know.) Jane went to a different grad school, they tried the LD thing one more time and Joe again broke it off again after a month (breakup number 2). They always kept in contact talking on the phone from every two weeks to once every two months. Sometime around this second breakup (before or after I don't know) Joe dates another girl for about a year. In the meantime Jane goes to a different grad school and meets me, let's call me John . Jane and John date after knowing each other for about 6-7 months. Well a month into a great relationship Joe (~11 months after the first breakup and 6 months after the second) hears about Jane's new relationship. "I have someone new in my life now," she tells him. And two months after that Joe starts to ask for Jane back. At about this time John is at his worst, he is treating Jane badly and not putting any effort into their relationship. He gives up on a lot of things actually. At the same time Joe is at his best, he says he loves her, says he wants to take her to Rome, says he wants to marry her one day, and says he will move to her in April if all goes well. So after a month of asking for her back Jane breaks it off with John and goes back to Joe (Jane was with John for 4.5 months). Well John does all the wrong things for at least 2 months: is sad in front of her, begs for her back, tries to tell her she's making a mistake, calls her all the time. John tries his best to become level headed. When he does he does seem to be making progress with her. She admits that John "never had a chance" (because Joe came back before they had a chance to fall in love) and she was still emotionally attached to Joe, she says that her "feelings may change in the future", but she is "dedicated to this even if it is a mistake." Joe visits Jane once when they get back together (he is 6 hrs away by car) and then 3 months later he visits for 3 days. Jane goes to see Joe more often, about 4 times in 3 months but doesn't visit him at all the month of November. John would be at Jane's house every other weekend if he was in freaking California -- that's how much he loves her.

 

So here's where I, John, am: I work with her so the "no contact" thing is a little hard to do. When I originally stopped calling her she acted very weird, in class she looked at me about 30 times, and acted like she was really worried where my feelings were (other evidence too). But I can't help but periodically tell her how much I love her (usually over email). Whether or not this is a good course of action, her response is very positive. She can't help but be EXTREMELY happy that I adore her so (I can tell by her body language). I get bits and pieces every once in a while: massages, lots of touching,winks, jealously when I talk to or look at other girls, flirting, reminiscing about sex, our dating, and all the good times. I can't really do the "no contact" thing because we see each other every day, but she does call me, over a period of 2 months (first two months I called her) she's called me about 4 times (most of the time she has a stupid excuse). Since Thanksgiving, due to scheduling, I've only seen her about 5 times, with an average of 4 days of "no contact" between each meeting. The first time she was ready to invite me over, or at least call me on the phone (she said she needed help with her computer), the second time I got the flu and she called me and we talked for over an hour, the third time she invited me up to her office and out to lunch. Maybe she just want's to be friends, but I still want to do whatever I can to get her back. I sent her a CD and a card to show her how much I loved her. She took it as an act of me needing her (I think) and said she wished she could explain why she felt so strongly "that things needed to be this way." I emailed her and told her that it was just a profession of my love for her, and I know why she feels this way: she still has feelings for him and I never got a chance, but I'll always love her. She said she's sorry she overreacted, "we're on the same page now", and she hopes we can "share more times together" next quarter.

 

But tomorrow she goes to Rome for 2 weeks with Joe, she's still dedicated to this relationship. And although I know there's at least something there. It's definitely not enough for now, maybe ever. I know I haven't been helping my cause by letting her know that I'm always there for her, but I couldn't help it, and I feel as if I don't tell her I love her I'll be in "friend zone". I'm in a real bad situation because he is in the picture. I don't think this is just a rebound with an ex. I know we wouldn't have broken up, and I know she would be with me if not for him. So I really got my work cut out for me.

 

What does everyone think? Will Joe give up on her for the third time? Will she ever come back to me even if he doesn't? I really got screwed over this time.

 

I'm going to learn to love myself again and move on but I'm still going to hope for her, I'll let her miss me too. I'm going to love her from a distance, I don't need her, but I can see nothing better than having her in my life and having her as my wife one day. Should I periodically tell her that I love her? I'm worried that if I don't she'll start to only see me only as a friend. The book I'm reading says sometimes you can love your ex back to you, even if someone else is in the picture, but usually this person isn't an ex with whom your ex has a lot of history, so I don't know if this is the best course of action. Please tell me what you think.

 

So what do I do if an "ex" is in the picture?

 

John

[The Morrigan]

Two things that concern me here - one, if she can talk to you about her ex, regardless of you telling her your feelings, you may WELL end up in the "sweet, supportive friend" role while she's trying to work on a relationship with him.

 

Part of the key here - she's having to WORK for him. There's little incentive for her to pay much attention to a relationship with you because you're not wavering, you're there, she's in no danger of losing your affections by being unsure of if things will work out with him. She has so much security with you she feels free to see what's up with him - and knows you'll be there while she does.

 

Flirting - YES. Professions of love - NO. I know you want her to know how you feel - but flirting and flirtatious compliments already let her know you see her as attractive and as "not just friend" material. Him making her make an effort and you being so reliable - he becomes the "hot commodity" since she has to ACT to keep him interested - while she can count on you waiting. Not a position of strength.

 

Remember - you don't have to try to start another relationship with someone else to be flirty with other girls, go out on friendly dates, or hang out with other people. It's a human quirk that those people who seem to be more attractive to others also become more attractive to US, there's more of a sense of accomplisment and feeling special then when we're the chosen one to get attention! You can and should encourage HER attention -just make sure you're not waiting for her to say "jump" and you're at her feet, be a little less available and let her initiate more of the contact, and if she's interested in you as well as her ex - she's going to make an effort to keep you around. You do have an advantage here - you're physically there, while he's not, it's time to let some of the situation itself work for you and let her see you also are worth making an effort to keep around!

[raider5]

Thanks for your help Morrigan. I was wondering if ANYONE was going to offer advice, I'm glad it was Moderator. (It was long, but I wanted to make sure you had enough information.)

 

First of all she doesn't talk to me about her ex. She knows it hurts me, and she knows how much I love her. But I guess that's a good point though: I don't want her to confide things like that to me because then I might start to be seen as just a friend.

 

I'm going to take your advice. I'm going to stop telling her I love her. She knows that I do. The last words I said to her were "I'll always love you." I'm going to cut off as much contact as possible. I might even start to do some casual dating. It is real hard to find the right person; but hey, if it's just casual dating it doesn't matter if it's "the one." I am better for her in every single way (as she admits more attractive and more compatible), and just because she knows him more, still had feelings for him, and I didn't get a shot, doesn't mean that our life wouldn't be 1000 times better. In the end she'll at least know that, and know that I'll love her more than he ever will (though I won't tell her until the end). I have a 3 week break from her so I'm going to use it to improve myself and love life again.

 

As long as he doesn't propose to her on this trip then I still have a chance. Well hell, I still have a chance as long as she is alive. But I'll remember that it still might not work out.

 

Thanks Morrigan.

[Luna06]

Hello,

I see that this was posted a long time ago, and I wish I had been able to give my input because I am going through almost the EXACT same thing right now. Here is my (also quite long) story:

 

 

 

Luna