just don't know what to do anymore

[charismaocelot]

Hi. Well I'll start off by saying that me and my boyfriend have been together for about 1 year and 5 months. He's a great guy and has a great heart. He's very generous to his friends, he treats me like a queen, he is not afraid to be completely affectionate and intimate with me, he is able to take a lot of my crap, we've been throught a lot, he sacrificed soo much for me and has done soo much for me, and we love each other so. Problem is he has been a drug addict for about 8 years. When we were dating he was still doing it, but he has stopped for about a year now. Recently he had gone and relapsed which extremely upset me because he made such promises to me and I believed him so. Not only that but he was doing soo well for a whole year. More than he has ever done. And I know that a lot of people say it's completely hopeless when it comes to a drug addict, but I believe in him soo much. The first time he did it he didn't come back till two days later saying he couldn't get home and I believe him. Mainly because he really couldn't get home because his car ran out of gas. Also I understand that that drug (meth) has a way of twisting perceptions and realities and even personalities and I understand that it's a very very hard drug to resist. So of course I forgave him and gave him a second chance hoping for the better but yet still shaky. Then we got into a fight later on and he tried to do it agaih and left me till the next day. This was a month ago and trust with me to him has been shaky because of the recent past events. Tonight I'm soo sad. I haven't seen him all night and I'm worried that he's back at it again. I love him soo much and I know he loves me soo much too. I'm scared and I want to believe that he's not trying to do it again, but I have no clue what's going on. I'm sick of this happening again for the THIRD time. I can't imagine breaking up with him though I feel like I wouldn't know what to do without him or how I could live without him in my life. I feel like he went out and relapsed, but I don't know. He could of been in an accident or in jail. I want to know what I should do. I really love him and it hurts me soo when I don't know where he is or what's going on. It hurts me to think that he would hurt me this much again when he knows how hurt I would be. He has tried rehab and he has tried Narc Anonymous (although he was kicked out) and he has done Prop 36 (which is an option for people to get help with drugs and they periodically drug test). I just don't know what to do anymore. Can anyone help me?

[novaseeker]

Sadly, only an addict can decide to make permanent changes to their lives. Until they decide to do that, and decide to stick with it, everyone around them suffers.

 

I do not think it is good for you to be in a relationship with a drug addict. It will only lead to pain and potentially co-dependency. What you are feeling now is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the pain an addict can cause to those who are close to them.

[charismaocelot]

Thing is I thought he had made that decision and he had even kept his decision to not do it for a good year. Doesn't that show something of his determination to do well and stay true? I just don't know how we're going to get through this. He tells me he really doesn't want to do it, but that when he craves for it it's all he can think about. I really don't know that feeling but I do understand 8 years of that horrible drug can do a lot to a person and their mentality, but I have hope because he has done it and he can. I just wish he wouldn't be soo selfish with his cravings. Is it wrong to feel such hope? I want him to change for himself. I don't want to change him for me. I know from experience that that doesn't do anything and if it does only for such a short while. I just don't know what to think or do right at this point. I'm kind of brain dead. Haha.... It's too early or too late one of those.

[novaseeker]

Thing is I thought he had made that decision and he had even kept his decision to not do it for a good year. Doesn't that show something of his determination to do well and stay true?

 

He means well, but he is an addict. The desire to abuse the substance of choice never fully goes away. Almost all addicts have relapses, particularly at first when they are trying to get clean. Statistically, unfortunately, the vast majority of addicts do not recover from their addictions.

 

He tells me he really doesn't want to do it, but that when he craves for it it's all he can think about. I really don't know that feeling but I do understand 8 years of that horrible drug can do a lot to a person and their mentality, but I have hope because he has done it and he can. I just wish he wouldn't be soo selfish with his cravings.

 

It's not that he is being deliberately selfish, but it's that his brain now craves that substance more than it craves anything else in the world. Because of that, addicts hurt those around them. The drug has changed the way that his brain works -- and it will take years of being clean to reverse that. of course, it can be done -- but it is very hard to do it, and it often comes with setbacks along the way.

 

Is it wrong to feel such hope?.

 

No it's not wrong to feel hope, but you have to also view things as they are. He's relapsing right and left. That is the reality of what you are seeing in front of your eyes. This *will* upset you and it will hurt you as well. The question for you is whether you want to expose yourself to that. These kinds of things do not turn around on a dime with drug addictions. If he is relapsing again and again, he's likely at the start of a long road of recovery and relapse and you have to ask yourself honestly if that is the life you want for yourself.

[charismaocelot]

welllll i found out this morning that he didn't end up relapsing.... he just ended up geting stupid up drunk... errrr... i don't even know if thats any better since it doesn't erase the pain and hurt I felt.... but at least he didn't relapse to meth right? =\

[novaseeker]

It's better than meth, certainly, yes, but you have to be careful of substituting -- it isn't very uncommon for an addict to switch from one addictive type behavior to another to compensate for giving the first one up (or trying to) -- sometimes then they end up with two addictions. But in any case, it's better than giving in to the meth for the time being. Just keep your eyes open and look out for yourself as you move forward.

[charismaocelot]

Thanks for the advice =]

[Hellzapoppin]

8 YEARS??? Lawd have mercy. DUMP HIM and move on with your life - if you want one.

[Atlantagirl]

I am a former cocaine addict. I lost jobs and relationships with family and loved ones due ot the lies. For a long time, I continued after wanting to stop, becasue I liked the cocaine more than who I had become.

I eventually met someone whom I really liked and did not know about my addiction. At first I hid it, then it came 'out of the closet' when I had been up all night doing cocaine and was a mess for the date we had the next night. I came clean to him and realized MYSLEF that I wanted more out my life than the constant hiding and lying. I never did it again and it has been 21/2 years.

 

I agree with the previous poster. An addict can only stop when he/she wants to stop. If an addict coud stop with love and support alone, addicts would be few and far between.

 

Your intentions are good. If you left him and told him you would not reconsider the relationship until he had been clean and sober and gainfully employed for at least 6 months, it may motivate him to stay clean. Then again, it may not. It is important that you know that it is not YOU it is the drugs. Offer your love and support, but from afar. He needs professional rehab, perhaps a 90day or 6 month program. Only time will tell, but you can't stay around to find out. I am sure he is a GREAT person who loves you very much, but the relationship will never be successful long term without him being completely sober and a functioning member of society, and in the mean time may permanently damage you emotionally.

Best wishes

[disowned_angel]

If ever he comes in the house with drugs, tell him to sit down as you need to talk, take the drugs off him and say "I'm doing this because I love you".

If he won't admit he's using drugs, then in these cercumstances I believe it's acceptable to search his coat pockets for them because it's for his own good.

If you find anything you need to confront him, tell him you still love him the same and that's why you flushed them down the toilet.

Another thing you can do is cut off his supply, find out where his dealer lives or where he deals his drugs, even just a phone number.

Try looking for any evidence you can find, look through his phone, address book, coats, bags, or even follow him and get a discription or photo of the dealer... make note of his dealing spot. Anything you find... turn it into the police.

[paramo47]

I am sorry, but I totally disagree with disowned_angels' advise. I am in the medical profession and trying to take drugs off of a drug user is VERY DANGEROUS. If they have already used, they can be extremely powerful physically. If they have not used and are hurting for the drug, they can be extremely protective of those drugs even to the point of hurting you. I would also not follow him to his supplier. Although it would be nice to have this information to turn in to the police, you would be putting yourself in a very dangerous situation. It isn't like drug dealers hang out at the Hilton. They are usually in neighborhoods that are not suitable to just drive around in. If they thought their transaction with your boyfriend was being watched, they might think you an undercover officer and, actually, try to come after you.

 

Step back, study the situation and realize that you must protect yourself. My opinion, for whatever it is worth, is that you need to protect yourself by leaving and tell him that you will return ONLY when he is clean and sober; this will have to be proven by a drug test. In the meantime, try to get on with your life.

 

Don't hate him, sweetie, he isn't himself; he is the drug.