Just Leave Me Be

[JCR84]

another night of no sleep and restlessness. I havent had a full night's rest in over 2 months....I losing grip. I want to sleep so that I dont think of her. I dont want to sleep because she is there in my dreams....like she always has....I want her erased from my mind. the Memories are killing me.....

These stone wings weigh so heavily on me......

[lillie]

another night of no sleep and restlessness. I havent had a full night's rest in over 2 months....I losing grip. I want to sleep so that I dont think of her. I dont want to sleep because she is there in my dreams....like she always has....I want her erased from my mind. the Memories are killing me.....

These stone wings weigh so heavily on me......

 

I remember feeling like this..i feel for you..

 

I remember REALLY wanting to take my head off & shake all the memories right out of there. I also even thought about going for hypnotism or something like that so that they could erase the memories..

 

Time does the above,but in its own time,there is no quick fix

[CallingAllAngels]

Oh, I am so sorry for your pain.

 

I felt this way too. I couldn't escape my exhusband in real life, and then, he would visit me in my dreams as well.

 

I would wake in tears.

 

All I can say is the same thing as the above poster...TIME does take care of it. I know it doesn't help your situation right at this moment. But honest, I am living proof that it gets better.

 

Hang in and hang on. I promise...it does get better.

 

Stay close to this board. It really helped me through the toughest times.

 

Godspeed...

 

~Allie

[Dancerdlk]

i am going thru the same thing.. another night - dreams about him all night - got maybe three hours of sleep total.

 

i want them to end too.. he has someone new and i dream about them CONSTANTLY.

 

Yes time does heal i guess but what do we do in the meantime??

 

I try to stay busy, but it just puts off the inevitable and i always go back to thinking about him (and her).

 

is there any way to keep it going?

[tazthecat]

Honstly, if your lack of sleep is effecting other aspects of your life, you need to seek medical help..Many people on here have been where you are..

Some have had doctor's prescripe sleep aides..Personally, after my break up, I used alcohol to actually pass out every night because Alcohol makes me sleepy, and it worked like a charm..Except everyday I woke feeling more like crap than before..I wouldn't suggest the alcohol tho..I'd try hitting the gym an hour or two before bedtime, if you want to try the healthier way.

 

Eventually, you're going to get to the point where you will miss sleeping and relate the fact that losing sleep over her, is just not worth it..

[Catdancer]

It sounds like depression, and I can TOTALLY relate. A good antidepressant can help alot more than most people think. Also you could try an over the counter sleep aid/or prescription to help with sleeping. And the above poster is right, if you can work out for a while, take a walk or do something to tire you, then take a sleep aid and zonk out. Dont let depression get you so far down, that you feel like you cant crawl out. I was at that point. And I'm still working my way out. But each day I get a little better. Baby steps. Good luck to you. Cat

[JCR84]

i know its depression. ive been depressed since i was a kid. i just started taking lexipro. last night actually...but i havent had any sleep since the break up. not even alcohol helps. i go to the park and walk, for hours(my way of pacing). im forcing myself to drum again, so i can tire myself out. im forcing myself to do everything that used to come naturally to me and without any effort. im just losing hope. just like those many many years ago......im tired of this. this place is terrible.........

[Catdancer]

Good Lexapro will help, but it cumutive and needs to build up in your system. But a good thing about it is that from my experience you will see results in 2-3 days after starting, unlike others that may take up to 6 weeks. The longer you stay on it, the more it helps.

 

It great that you're getting out and walking and drumming and trying to make yourself do stuff. I just sat at home on the sofa, staring at the TV and crying. I even missed work some, and I CANNOT afford to lose my job. It pays way too well and they are very good to me.

 

I actually kept taking my ex back. And we'd break up again. So, I'd be depressed, take him back, be happy, break up, be depressed, and it goes on. I think I finally got a little hardened emotionally, so this last breakup hurts, but not as much as the first time.

 

The one thing that does help is focusing on you and keeping your life together. You come first. and you need to take care of you. It sounds like you're doing just that and are on the road to healing. You're doing a good job. It may not feel like it, but you are. You have to stay strong for you.

[Catdancer]

I hate the fact that you are losing hope. But may I ask..hope for what?

[JCR84]

hope that i will never be rid of this poison that has consumed me since i was a little kid....everyone says it will pass. ive been waiting for it end for the past 14 years..... i tell myself this has just been one of God's tests in life for me. but i am growing tired of being constantly tested and proving my worth. im just tired..... hands wont stop shaking...my grip is slipping

[JCR84]

last night i spent and hour praying to god. didnt sleep much(concert+get up early for work). im hoping tonight that i get some sleep. and if i do, hope that shes not in my dreams like she has always been(hurts to say that). i keep the memory of us alive out of hope. i shouldnt. but my heart has this incredible strength that cant let go of the love i feel for her. i say my heart is foolish. and yes it may be true for loving someone who probably doesnt deserve my love. but i cant help it, when it feels so right. maybe im wrong. maybe.....ill find a way out. why is it so hard to let go? this flame in my chest simply will not die. and its the only thing guiding me through this dark winding road where i drag these wings of stone bearing a heavy crown. this place is terrible.......and i am lost without her.

[shygirl1212]

JC,

 

I am sorry that you are hurting so badly.

 

You say that you have suffered from depression as a child, I understand that you have started to take some medication that may help you but have you thought of seeing a counselor to talk things out?

 

I know psychiatrists only prescribe medication and don't do much talking, a psychologist OR a social worker may be good to talk to.

 

How about a support system? Are you able to be with friends/family through this difficult time?

 

Post back ok?

 

~hugs~

[JCR84]

im seeing a therapist. very few people know of what Im going through...I feel alone either way.

[shygirl1212]

JC,

 

It is good that you are seeing a therapist. Do you feel that it is helping you? Do you feel better after talking to your therapist?

 

While others in your life may not know what is going on with you, and the hell that you are going through - we do, and we ARE here for you, and so in that sense you are not alone. I know we don't all have face to face contact, but this writing back and forth can be VERY therapeutic (I know it has been for me over the past few days). So please continue to write your feelings, talk it out with us because we are here to listen and support you.

 

What about hobbies? What did you like to do before your relationship? Anything that you might perhaps be interested in picking up again?

[npc24]

lexapro though.

are you afraid of getting off it and it causing you to be more depressed?

 

11 months ago today we broke up. i dream about him once a week.

the last one was me putting me hex on him. this was the first dream with him in it that i had anger instead of longing or love

[JCR84]

its letting me vent things ive had on my chest for ages. i sometimes feel better, sometimes worse, and sometimes no difference whatsoever.

im finding no pleasure or comfort in the things that i use to enjoy.

ill start to do something but lose interest.

i used to love driving, but i scare myself by imagining a crash or losing control of the car. so i dont. fear that i might do something stupid.

nothing is satisfying anymore. playing the guitar, drumming, art, music.

ive even lost the satisfaction of drinking.

so i dont even bother.

[shygirl1212]

JC, if you don't mind answering - how long was your relationship and when did it end?

[JCR84]

we were together for 3 months but we have known each other for 10 years

[shygirl1212]

10 years is a VERY long time - of course! BUT JC, you are also very young - 23 years old - you have a lifetime ahead of you. I know that this may not mean anything to you right now BUT when I broke up with my bf and even before when things started going sour, I used to think "my gosh, I have spent basically all of my 20's (my golden years) with someone who I won't be with forever" - it was an awful feeling at first BUT what's done is done..what I am saying is that if it didn't work out now (after knowing ur ex for 10 years) then it may not have worked down the line...

 

I know it is EXTREMELY difficult - believe me, I have had MANY LOW points in my relationship and during our off-times that I thought I would never pick myself up...

 

It's going to be rough BUT JC don't you think you owe it to yourself to try and live life again? to try and be happy again? why are you punishing yourself?

[npc24]

my love was 23, i was 29.

he had to live his life. i think to believe its not about me. but in the end it still hurts right?

[JCR84]

i am trying. im not trying to punish myself. its just that i cant help feeling this way. for too many years ive felt like this, too many years of faking smiles and counterfeit happiness. i used to drink to cope with myself. because it would help me forget who i am. and it got to a point where drinking was a way of life. and with her i felt i didnt need to drink. she made me feel so good about who i am. ive never felt that. im trying not to fall back into that flood. life just seems to be caught in a fog. and im there lost in it.

[JCR84]

Maybe im just being stupid right now but I really miss her so much.....I pray for her to return..... but I know it will never happen..

[shygirl1212]

JC,

 

when a relationship ends, we tend to focus on the good and forget about what led to the breakdown of the relationship.

 

No one is perfect...but it seems like what you may be doing is focusing on all the good and forgetting the things that led to the end of your relationship.

 

Would it helped if you talked about what led to the breakdown?

 

We are here for you JC and we all understand how difficult it is. Don't forget that we're here for you ok?

[JCR84]

well she told me that she didnt feel that "spark" between us, she didnt see herself being with me. that maybe we confused our friendship with something else. she began to critisize me on my depression. and other little things that bothered her. the night she broke up with me she said she kissed some guy and "felt" bad about it and said i didnt deserve that so she ended the relationship because she said that she will only hurt me in the long run.

[shygirl1212]

well she told me that she didnt feel that "spark" between us, she didnt see herself being with me. that maybe we confused our friendship with something else. she began to critisize me on my depression. and other little things that bothered her. the night she broke up with me she said she kissed some guy and "felt" bad about it and said i didnt deserve that so she ended the relationship because she said that she will only hurt me in the long run.

 

JC,

 

It is good that you are getting this out here...So let's look at this objectively ok? I know you still love her, I know you miss her but look at this:

 

1. she criticizes you for your feelings, instead of supporting you and encouraging you

 

2. she makes out with some other man - she cheats on you

 

3. she says she will hurt you in the end...

 

She's RIGHT - you DESERVE MUCH, MUCH, MUCH BETTER

 

JC, I know it is excrutiating right now BUT in the long run you ARE better without someone who cheats and criticizes you and doesn't appreciate you, don't you think?