Comunicating with her

[MystikalDawn]

Ok so I was just talking to my girlfriend over MSN and this is a copy of what it went like (i basically copied and pasted the convo so its exactally what was said in the convo)

 

 

 

Her: I just over think things

 

Me: ohh...like what?...if you dont mind me asking

 

Her: Like i dunnoooo...I do it with us

 

Me: Why whats bothering you? sorry if i sound pushy or anything

 

Her: i dont really know how to say it...it might come out as mean.... but like i dunno sometimes i dont think that we have a good relationship like when i dont see you for a week or w/e it kinda feels like im single and stuff and i dunno its weird, as bad as i think steph and steve are for each other i think they have a better relationship then us

 

Me: ohh...i know we dont go out much but sometimes i feel like if i didnt ask you out when we do go out then we wouldnt go out at all

 

Her: Its not even about how much we go out

 

Her: anyways i gotta go

 

Me: ohh...well i hope you have a good day at work, i love you

 

Her: later on

 

 

Well, we dont really hang out much. Mainly because shes still in highschool and im working...we usually hang out once or twice on the weekends and im the one who has to take the initiative to ask her to go at something. Steven and steph are our friends and they are basically glued to each other although we both dont really think they are good for each other....Its like a shocker to me and i dont know what to do or expect...i feel like if we hung out more then she wouldnt feel like shes single sometimes...Im just really confused about the whole situation and was hoping someone could help me make some sense out of it and help me out to point me in the right direction as to what to do

 

Thanks

[sorrenn]

Hey Man,

 

You sound like a sincere guy who cares about your girlfriend, and you realize she's mentally not too attached to you. It's obvious to me who has the power in the relationship (she does).

 

She's basically on the verge of breaking up with you. She's trying not to hurt your feelings, so she's being subtle about it.

 

The only way you can salvage things is by taking the power back. Here are my tips:

 

You come accross as very needy and apologetic, and like you're walking on eggshells around her. Almost ALL women will lose their attraction to you by doing this.

 

You need to change your attitude to "If you don't realize how good I am then move out of my way because there are a thousand girls who would love to be with me."

 

Stop waiting on her every word and thought about your relationship, and choosing your words so carefully. Women want someone who can stand up for themselves when the time is right. I've had several female friends tell me that they can't stand that their boyfriends never just tell them to be quiet once in a while.

 

Even though you love her, don't reward her by saying "I love you" after she treats you badly. I don't mean to insult you, but it sounds pathetic when you say stuff like that and she doesn't reciprocate.

 

Basically, you have to completely change your attitude. You have to KNOW that you deserve an awesome girl, and if she doesn't have the good taste to want to be with you then she better stop wasting your time. If you don't internalize this attitude, and you act like a wussy with her, she is going to be looking at other guys who KNOW that they deserve a great girl. Sure, it's good that you're sensitive, but you're not a door mat, either, got it? Everyone has issues of self-esteem, but we can all at least act with as much self-respect as we can (often the self-esteem follows when you start treating yourself better).

 

Also, for women, jealousy is a huge motivator. It wouldn't hurt if she realized that there are women who would love to be with you. Do you have any friends who have crushes on you? If she found out about that type of thing, she'd probably be really into you. But you don't have to try to manipulate -- you just have to have the attitude that you KNOW that you're an awesome guy who has options when it comes to women.

 

Got it? If you don't take anything from this, just remember this: You're not going to get her to love you back just by telling her how much you love her, or by taking her out more often. Just start recognizing your value and don't tolerate snotty behavior from her, just like you wouldn't tolerate it from a friend. Even if she leaves you, she'll probably come running back when you show her that it doesn't devastate you.

[MystikalDawn]

it all sounds good and everything and i can relate to when she is mad about something she kinda sounds cold towards me, how would i go about handeling something like that though? just be like "well talk to me when your not so mad and we can have a decent conversation"??? and how would i go about giving her the impression that there are a thousand other girls that would love to be with me??? I think what a lot of my problem is, is that I just simply dont know how to respond to what she says and does. Thanks for the advice though

[sorrenn]

I hear ya -- you feel overwhelmed in trying to respond to her. Listen closely: In these moments when you're trying really hard to say the right thing, you will NEVER say the "right" thing that will make her want to be with you. That's because you care too much.

 

Don't get me wrong -- it's OK to care. But she has all of the power; she already knows that she can have you. Do you get that: She can take you or leave you. All you can do is hope that she will let you two be together.

 

Not only is this a crappy situation for you, but she has no incentive or reason to pursue a relationship with you -- you'll always be there in case she wants you, so she might as well see what else is out there (which should be pretty easy for her because she "feels single" these days)

 

Your mission right now should be to cast some doubt in her mind whether she could have you if she wanted you. Yes, that seems counterintuitive, but that's the way that human psychology works.

 

As for what to say to her when she's acting cold, the best thing would be to treat it like it's no big deal (cause you DON'T hang on her every word or get all upset just because she's cranky) and tell her that you'll talk when she calms down. Even if she gets mad at you in the moment for not caring, it's guaranteed to do wonders in the long-run. Women like a man who can handle their emotional outbursts without losing his cool.

 

Also, it's not important that you give off the impression that 1000 other girls want you (though that sure would help -- that's one factor why girls gush over celebrities, because they know that everyone else wants them too). The important thing is to FEEL like you're a desirable guy -- this will then be transmitted in how you behave with her.

 

Also realize that there ARE so many other women out there, and you're really young. I'm writing such long responses because I feel like I'm talking to my 19 yr old self, trying to knock some sense into him

[burninbright02]

if she is still in high school, how old is she? it sounds like she is a tad immature by the conversation.

[MystikalDawn]

I asked her earlier a couple hours after i created this thread if she was "trying to break up with me to just get it over with" and she responded saying "omg are you sick, i love you so much, i would never break up with you" which i gotta say really put myself at ease.....however i think i did what you said and didnt act like "ohhh its all good its ok i understand you get upset sometimes kinda tryed to play it out a bit mellow compared to how i would have and i think it worked to be honest...she is on the rags right now by the way i probably should have mentioned that in my very first post lol but i think sometimes when she feels upset about something (not really us but if her parents got mad at her or something happened in school) then she tends to use me as a punching bag...and like you said next time it happens im just gonna let her know that yes i am there for her but im not there for her to walk all over...I think your advice really helpt me cope with my situation.

 

Thanks

[FreeFalling]

.however i think i did what you said and didnt act like "ohhh its all good its ok i understand you get upset sometimes "...i kinda tryed to play it out a bit mellow compared to how i would have and i think it worked to be honest..

Good work, I fully agree with sorrenn's advice. No matter what the outcome of this situation, changing the way you handle people in general (not just women you like) to conform to sorrenn's outline will have a very positive impact.

 

The first and most vivid impression that struck me, reading the conversation, was the "if you dont mind me asking" & "sorry if i sound pushy or anything"

 

Y'all are in a relationship, a partnership... you have every right to ask, and you are not being pushy. You should always ask nicely, but the exchange of personal emotions, especially those dealing with the relationship, are something that are an expected and vital part of the relationship.

 

I think Sorrenn hit the nail on the head, and it looks like you are definantly on the right track.

 

ut i think sometimes when she feels upset about something (not really us but if her parents got mad at her or something happened in school) then she tends to use me as a punching bag

I have found that anyone (though certain ppl are predisposed) will drag you into the middle of a problem, and subsequently, subtly blame *you*. But only if you let them.

 

I'm not sure exactly how to give advice on this as I don't know if your experience is the same as mine, but its often when I'm trying to *fix* something unfixable for them, rather than just commiserating, is when I get pulled in. For example, if her parents have done something to upset her... if you offer her advice, it's almost certain to get thrown back in your face & then suddenly *you* not the parents are the source of her frustration.

 

As much as you may care and subconsciously want to help, many times it's best not to offer solutions, just a vent. By seeking a solution you're centering the flow of anger at you, by comforting/playing sycophant your channeling it back towards the proper source. Remember, somethings simply aren't your problem & often people don't want solutions.

[booyah00]

sorrenn - You have some great advice. I too feel like a doormat in my relationship and am the one apologizing and "trying to make it right" by doing whatever she wants which in the end makes me feel used and that I'm hiding my true opinions and feelings in order to make her happy. The few times I have held my ground.. usually make my other half a bit more respectful and I think your right when you say that if you act like your valuable which I feel I am.. then she will start to show some respect and not take what she has for granted. The way we interact in my relationship makes it seem like I'm scared to lose her and she couldn't care less to lose me. (Even though she tells me differant) So yeah I need to bookmark this page whenever I start to give in to her too much and reread your post and stick to my guns. I truly believe I am a good guy to have and a lot of girls would be perfectly happy with me. Thanks again!

[Sky_Ronin]

That's great advice sorren. Even though it's meant for the other gentleman, I've learned something from reading your two posts. In the past I've heard several times to never put a girl on the pedestal and it's true. If you care too much and place a tremendous amount of value on her then you'll lower yourself and lessen your value. What I've noticed for a while now is that guys who cling and are excessively nice to girls usually end up getting burned. Boy is it difficult to be a guy. Good thing is there are plenty of girls out there and if hee has a strong will then he will find unconditional love. Best of luck to all the shy, single guys and girls.

[Smiliegirl]

Sorrenn! Thank you, even though your posts were obviously meant for the OP, they really helped me too. And I'm a girl!

Sometimes I do feel that because I am ALWAYS there, ALWAYS doing whatever needs getting done, ALWAYS able to throw whatever I am doing aside if he needs me, he takes me for granted. But I'm not sure how to change this.