Time Apart

[twfshamrock]

I need some serious help or words of wisdom right now.

 

I have been with a girl for 10 years now. We began dating when she was only 15 and I was 18. We have been through everything, plenty of ups and downs. Early in our lives, we had 2 kids, who we don't have anymore, for reasons I won't go into.

 

We both work full time jobs and have lived together for the past 8 years. About 2 years ago, her mother passed away, and it was a crushing blow for her. It is something I can't help her deal with. But ever since that happened, she has been questioning everything about her life, most notably our relationship. She says that at one time, she couldn't see us not being together, but now she doesn't know if she wants that anymore. We have had this talk on numerous occasions over the last couple of months. But today, I finally decided it was time to propose to her. After picking out an incredibly expensive ring, which I was very proud of, I asked her. I immediately knew it was a mistake because she just sat there and said she "didn't know". She then left to go to the lake where her Mom's ashes were spread to have some time alone. I called her and she said she will be home later with a decision on where we go from here.

 

I love this girl with all my heart, always have. We've had our good times and our bad times, just like anyone. She says this isn't my fault, but I can't help think that it is. I am feeling very lost right now, as if my life hangs in the balance. I realize we have been together for so long and may not know anything but each other. But it will just be too hard to watch her walk away. Someone please help.

[kuiks8]

Has your girlfriend had counseling to deal with her grief? I can't imagine what it would be like to lose your mother...

What made you decide to propose amidst all of the doubts she was having? I think this might come off like you were not listening to what she was saying about not being sure of your relationship...

I think when she gets back be honest and frank with her, tell her how you feel about her and truly express your love and then ask her what she wants and what she needs and really LISTEN...

[kevinm]

Yeah... no offense OP, but that seems pretty insensitive to propose. Seems like you are trying to "seal the deal" just when she is questioning if things are right. Marriage is only a piece of paper, only as strong as the relationship itself. I sincerely hope that you weren't trying to solidify things by asking her to marry you.

 

-Kevin

[GypsyMuse]

You may have made the wrong decision to propose. The timing probably wasn't right but that doesn't mean you have to let it destroy what you have.

 

Talk to her. Tell her you realize now you made a bad choice to propose at this time and you'd like to make it better. Then ask what can you do to help her get over her grief from losing her mother. You need dialog to mend this relationship, not rings, or requests for commitment at a time when she's unsure of things.

 

It takes at least two years to get used to the loss of someone you really love. It never goes away, but you learn to deal with it. If you feel that's too long, then you're not ready for commitment either because in marriage, you'll go through many losses together. The good part is you can be there for each other. Help her now and perhaps, if it's right for you to be together, she'll be there for you when you experience a deep loss.

 

Good luck. It sounds like you love her and you've already weathered many things together. I hope it works out.