Being too needy

[Anotherday]

Right now I am going through something tough and am afraid I'm pushing my friend away as I am so needy. She's been really good about supporting me through the tough time but I think she's getting sick of me.

 

Anyone ever been in this situation and, if so, did you actually lose a friend over it? How do you deal with being needy and just backing off when you are just needy?

[Keith1981]

Just Explain it all to the friend (Open Wide up)

And if they stay with you through to the end, Thats a friend for life!

[metrogirl]

Sometimes we think that we are overwhelming our friends because we feel that we are a little more needy at times when we are going through issues. A true friend understands that sometimes we just need them a little more when times are tough. I'm sure your friend feels really good about being by your side right now, you just can't see it because you are dealing with so much.

 

Hang in there.......One day you will be the one with a needy friend and you will feel great that you stood by her......

[Anotherday]

Thanks, I am just afraid she is going to get so sick of me and I'll push her away completely. She is the only friend I have here and after having been friendless for years here, I just feel needy and like I'm inundating her with my stuff. I've called her crying several times in the past two weeks, sent so many emails and I think this is getting tough for her as my situation is triggering old feelings in her and it's tough on her.

 

In my former place of residence I had friends and there was never a problem but here is very different.

[Hope75]

Are you saying you only have one friend?

 

Are there others you can lean on, family, other friends/co workers?

 

How about a therapist?

[Anotherday]

Are you saying you only have one friend?

 

Are there others you can lean on, family, other friends/co workers?

 

How about a therapist?

 

I have one friend where I live. I have an acquaintance here but it's someone I talk to once in a blue moon and I don't think she'd want to hear my stuff. I still keep in touch with a few people from CA and one dear friend up there has been really there for me in terms of emails.

 

I don't have family to lean on and I'm not working right now. I do volunteer work but it's not the type of situation where I am friends with anyone there, just casual conversation. I do see a therapist and without her I think I'd go crazy.

 

I should probably add that I am most uncomfortable being this needy. It's not a common occurrence for me, so it's really freaking me out. I'm an introvert so I spend a lot of time alone and usually I am ok with it. It's just now I'm going through this crisis thing so I'm feeling particularly, well, needy.

[Excalibur]

Is this 'need" - your need to vent about your fears, frustrations and needs endlessly while doing nothing to deal with them realistically?

 

 

 

If so, anybody would get sick of hearing that after awhile. It could end the friendship as this person would realize that you're not someone that holds yourself accountable for the reality of your life - you're just osmeone that wants to complain how about things are, till situation change evolves without your instigation.

[Anotherday]

Is this 'need" - your need to vent about your fears, frustrations and needs endlessly while doing nothing to deal with them realistically?

 

 

 

If so, anybody would get sick of hearing that after awhile. It could end the friendship as this person would realize that you're not someone that holds yourself accountable for the reality of your life - you're just osmeone that wants to complain how about things are, till situation change evolves without your instigation.

 

No. I'm dealing with a situation now where my dog has had three surgeries and been hospitalized for the past couple of weeks. Just last night his heart was erratic and I just don't know from day to day what is going to happen, hence my upset with everything. I'm not handling it well and even went so far as to contact a vet who does house calls to put him to sleep, which would have been today around 11. The Vet was ready to give up on him but I just could not. I still don't know what is going to happen. Add a $10K bill to everything, and I am slightly stressed (VERY stressed).

 

I'm pretty good about holding myself accountable and do not like to dump my stuff on people. I listen to them too and share my thoughts on their life situations, so it's not all about me.

[Excalibur]

Well, I do get the pet thing and attachment......got that myself to the Missy Boo-Bear.

 

However...and I'd apply it to myself, while shedding tears about it....

 

The situation you're in is one of your own creation. I get that in dealing with chaos and upset, you're not thinking except in the moment you're in.

 

But, take the dog to a vet you trust the judgement and medical expertise of...and find out realistically in terms of time obligations and financial outgo what it is going to take to get the dog "back to health".

 

You're doing what people do with people...in terminal illness. If the dog is terminal and nothing is giong to restore the quality of the dog's life, you expending your resources that are goingto demand intense time/energy to restore for your own needs in a bigger element later....is ridiculous. It's why people make living wills. They want a quality of life not a quantity of existence.

 

If the dog is going to be compromised to his comfort and quality of life - all animals have a level of lifestyle and activity that they desire inbred in their nature...and if the dog can't function at that level - does the dog want to go on? and wht you enjoyed about the pet - while attaching to them in various ways for your emotional needs, is what you shared as activities with the dog - including sitting your lap, stroking his ears.

 

If none of what either of you enujoy as an activity is possible, if the quality of your life is compromised, while there is no quality to restore to the animal at all....this is the time to say your goodbyes.....be there to hold his paw, and grieve the loss of the beloved, as you would a person.

 

The reason you perceive you're losing this friend that is a person.....is because you're creating this problem's intensity withh every action/decision to take/make....rather than solve and resolve.

 

If yoou were to ask herto go with you when you put the dog down...I'm willing to bet she'd be there, in heartfelt sympathy for your loss. But it's getting more and ore difficult for her to listen to the ongoing soap opera you create, refusing to deal with reality.

 

I know in my case....as I"ve done it once already...when the best friend in my world, who's been there and is the last remaining friend from the period in my life that was so bleak, and was with me thru all the trials and tribulations to bring my life to the great thing I see it to be now....it's Missy Boo-Bear. when the day comes that she's not getting around as she always has, that she's not able to enjoy the quality of life she's always lived.....there's going to be hard actions, many tears, and lots of personal support needed for me. She's 11...the day is coming, and while it's not here, ti's easier to make the decisions about what to do when that time arrives.

 

I wouldn't keep her around suffering in pain yet silence, and it's been hard to watch her go from being the inquisitive youngster to our new locations as i"ve moved over the years, etc...to contenting herself with sitting on the deck sniffing fresh air, rather than chasing prey or exploring her surroundings. That tells me she's getting older, 11 now, and that she's more content to be in surroundings that are familiar, ,because she's an animal and instinctively recognizes that her survival skills and instincts are fading and she likes her life as it is, enjoying the fresh air on the porch.....rather than running with glee towards the house after a long afternoon spent being the animal she is in the area where we live.

 

Ask yourself if you'd want your friends and relatives doing "to you" - what you're doing to her. Subjecting you to surgeries to keep you around, compromising the quality of your life becuase they're not ready to part with your body yet, while retaining the memories of your relationship.

[Anotherday]

Thanks, Excalibur. This is the last surgery. My dog's attitude is really good and he is a little fighter. This whole thing came about very quickly and was completely unexpected. I've just been reacting to it moment by moment. Yes, it's been a saga and perhaps I've leaned on my friend too much and that makes me feel bad. I know my friend does understand the choices I've made, as she has a dog and told me she'd do the same thing if she were in my shoes.

 

I did ask her if she would be there for me if it came down to putting my pet to sleep and she said maybe, if it would work with her schedule. I also did go to my Dr. and he gave me a prescription for a tranquilizer, as I know that I have to get a grip. He only gave me 4 pills though, so I am saving them.

 

Anyway, I digress. I guess my point is that I'm doing the best I can and things are spilling over and I'm feeling extremely needy and like everything is getting hard to handle. Still, I have to be able to live with myself. If I lose this friend over this I will find another. I only have one Teddy Bear (dog's name).

[Hope75]

AD,

I am sorry your little dog is not doing well. You know you can always post also here, but maybe it would help for you to talk to a therapist if you feel like you are overwhelmed to the point you need tranquilizers.

 

I can understand your stress- my father had a severe stroke last Monday and is paralyzed and now in a long term rehab, and I haven't been sleeping and have still been working full time and spending time with my dad (and being a nurse my family counts on me to be there and to decipher what the doctors are talking about) and I am stressed to the max. My doctor prescribed some medicine for anxiety to help me and I slept for the first time last night.

 

I think it's important to have supports when you are going through something difficult, and if you don't feel like you have enough, or you are wearing out the few that you have, maybe a counselor would help you.

 

I'll say a prayer for your little doggie.

 

Any reason you aren't working?

[summerpeach]

When you feel too "needy" and need to express yourself, write in a journal. It really does help.

Also when you're talking to your friend and you just feel the need to vent, ask her about her life and what's going on and sometimes that will distract you from your own needs

[Anotherday]

Hope, I am so sorry to hear this. This is awful. Is the paralysis something temporary and that time will heal? I don't know much about strokes, other than I've heard that people have to relearn how to do things like, well, eat and walk and write and what have you? I imagine you are stressed to the max and it must be tough being a nurse (which is already a care taking profession) and then when it's your father and you have to decipher everything for your family. I'm glad to hear that your Dr. prescribed you something to deal with anxiety and I hope his long term prognosis looks promising.

 

I did talk with my therapist on Monday and that was helpful. I also saw my Dr. on Monday. I am saving those pills just in case. Today I am going to see if I can get some Lunesta refilled.

 

Hang in there. It cannot be easy for you right now. My dad is in a lockdown ward for Alzheimers and will be the rest of his life. It's tough to deal with certain things. I feel for you.

 

BTW and to answer your question. I'm not working because I don't have a job?

 

In all seriousness I haven't had a regular job for a very long time now (I was in the corporate world and dropped out. I just couldn't handle it anymore). I do have a job interview on Monday though at a place where I volunteer.

[Anotherday]

When you feel too "needy" and need to express yourself, write in a journal. It really does help.

Also when you're talking to your friend and you just feel the need to vent, ask her about her life and what's going on and sometimes that will distract you from your own needs

 

You know, that's a very good idea. I do have a journal but haven't written in it for awhile. And I do ask my friend to tell me anything and everything going on with her, as it really does help to get my mind off of things. It's the single best thing is for her to tell me how her job is going and the rest of her life. It makes me feel less needy when she gets to share with me.

 

I got an email from her and sent her one back saying I know I've been leaning on her a LOT and to tell me if and when it gets to be too much and I won't involve her anymore. Meanwhile, I am going to try to get a grip on my end. I haven't washed dishes for days and things are piling up. I barely got my taxes done yesterday. The yard needs to be hoed and I need to get out of the same clothes I've been living in for three days now. Thanks!

[Anotherday]

Ok, is there any credence to that saying death comes in threes?

 

I hope not. My SIL's dad died recently, my dog is having a tough time, and now they found my father slumped over unconscious this morning and he's in the hospital.

 

I am NOT having a good day. On the bright side, I am not too needy yet and my GF is there for me.

 

I just feel like crap.

[Hope75]

AD,

 

Yikes!

 

How is your father? Keep us updated!

[stella74]

Anotherday and Hope - I'm sending out good thoughts tonight on the recovery of both your fathers.

[Anotherday]

AD,

 

Yikes!

 

How is your father? Keep us updated!

 

Thanks, I have good news Hope. Although my father thought he was in England and started walking into other peoples' rooms, whatever was wrong went away (at least the medical part, not the Alzheimers part). He had a fever and is back in the lockdown with antibiotics. Whew.

 

I went see the other man important in my life today and I actually got BARK!! For any dog lover out there, a bark is huge. All in all, the men in my life might bounce back.

 

Hope, I hope your dad is OK? And continuing to recover? Pls, keep me posted, if you'd care to. Best wishes and hugs.

 

AD