At breaking point with female friend I lhave feelings for and her ex.

[alba]

Hi there. I am at the end of my tether with an ongoing situation, and its going to be resolved tonight one way or the other. Im hurting, anxious, sad, angry, everything at the moment, and Im really not sure how to handle it all. Its a fairly long story Im afraid so please bare with me as I explain the situation. I could really do with some advice as I don't have anyone else to talk to about it, and I know that come tomorrow Im likely to be heartbroken and will have lost one of my best friends.

 

A girl and I have been friends for about 18 months. She originally fancied me, but she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship at the time, but I did. We ended up falling out with each other over it. We made up and she admitted that she was just being childish and didn't know what she wanted and I didn't deserve it. We eventually became really close friends. She met a guy about 6 months ago. It was hard at first but I stuck by her as a friend and I was happy for her, I made an effort to be his friend to. From the start he was very controlling. When he came into our local pub where she works he would literally look over at her behind the bar every two minutes to check on her. He would treat her badly, he wasn't physically abusive, but he always made her feel bad and that everything was her fault, and that she was in the wrong for everything. He would have a go at her if she went on a smoke break at work without calling him, things like that. Would get really jealous if she talked to anyone, male or female.She split with him about 3 or 4 times, each time he would say that he would change etc but as soon as she got back with him he would go back to being the same.

 

She split with him "for the last time" a few weeks ago. He threatened to make her life a life a misery, follow her everywhere and not let her be happy. He apologised the next day and she believed him, and said they would be friends because he didnt have anyone else. He expects to come out with her every time she is out. He would turn up at the pub when she was working, even though he lives 15 miles away. If she went out on a girls night out he would find out where she was going and turn up. The last time he did this he also took an overdose of pills and alcohol to try and kill himself and ended up in hospital for two days before discharging himself.

 

Over the past few months her and I have become really, really close. Talking online all the time for hours. She used to tell him not to come down or make excuses for him to leave hers early so she could talk to me. She would text me all the time. We kept saying we would start going out and having fun and being happy when she had broken up with him. I went out with her one night with one of her friends, he wasn't invited, me and her ended up alone and we had a really good night, we were hinting to each other that we should get together etc. He knows one of the doormen at the bar and he ended up calling them to check on her. We carried on getting closer and closer.

 

A couple of weeks ago she called me and asked me if I wanted to go for a drink just the pair of us. We didn't say it was a date, but it felt like one. He found out that we were going out and started texting me messages like "soon stepping in my shoes" etc. When we got out she said she was going to tell him the next day that she doesn't want any more contact with him. We had a really good night together, she was talking about me possibly going with her and her son on holiday that they had booked. Then surprise surprise, he turns up, comes over and starts with the "its all very cosy isn't it", says that he knows that ive fancied from day one and if I had the chance I would be with her tomorrow, calls us both two faced. We both think he is going to hit me. They go outside to argue. She thinks he is going to hit her. They come back in and we are all stood in silence, he sort of apologised to me, not a proper apology but said i was a decent bloke etc. Me and her carry on with our night and have a laugh regardless. He sits there for a while looking miserable and then leaves. I think that if she was going to cut contact before, she definitely would now.

 

Well the next day we speak online and she says she is going to stick by him because he has always stuck by her. They go away for a weekend that they had booked when they were together. We go out a couple of times together, her, him, me and a couple of our other friends. I start feeling under pressure a little as she tells me to have a fun and a laugh and cheer everyone up. Her friend also tells me to just act normally and be happy. Her friend says she does have feelings for me, but probably just doesn't know what to do. When we are out and he is out she spends most of her time talking to him and doesn't speak much to me, we had discussed this before and she said that he gets mad at her if she spends her time talking to other people. So I feel that I can't enjoy nights out with her when he is out, as I just feel under so much pressure.

 

They had a girly night out planned last night, just her and her friend. She had told him not to come out, and she would have been fuming if he turned up like he usually does. Well I got a whole bunch of texts off him last friday night saying he has made a decision, he doesn't care who is out saturday but he is going to come out one last time then he is going to move on as he needs closure and he wants more from her, and if he cant have it he needs to move on for his sake. I get caught in two minds what to do, I feel the right thing to do is to tell her, I could have been devious and selfish and not tell her and let him turn up and then she would get mad at him etc. I tell her and she says thanks for telling her and I did the right thing. He is obviously mad at me saying its not my place to tell her etc. I explain to him that he put me in a difficult situation because he knows her and I are close friends, and whilst i conisder him a friend (i don't, i know he uses me and all her other friends to get close to her and try to get back with her) if he puts me in those kind of situations she will come first every time.

 

So yesterday rolled around. I speak to her online and she says sorry if she got me in trouble with him, I did the right thing, she would have done the same. I suggest that I see if he wants to go for a drink with me that night, to keep him company and to stop him from going out to where the girls are going. He says that he is working but he is definitely going to the bar that they would be going to. She seems angry at this and said they will just go to another bar. She asks if me and the lads are coming down to out local where they are meeting first. I go down with a couple of friends and meet them and have a few drinks with them as we are all friends. We have a really good night again and a good laugh. At the end of the night she starts asking us if we want to go into town with them. I ask her if she wants me to come or if they just want a girly night, she says its up to me so I go along (wish I hadn't now). When we get to town she doesn't talk to me that much again, but she is ok with me. I think we are going out for a cigarette but it turns out we are actually going to the bar where they planned to go, where he said he would be going (he used to work there on the door). I ask if this is a good idea, they say just come, if he is there then screw him etc.

 

Well we get there and he is on the door. They blank him and he says to me "I thought you weren't coming out etc". I carry on and just try and enjoy myself but obviously Im not. I go outside for a smoke and he follows me and says he wants a word. He starts having a go at me for turning up with them after I told him I wouldnt be going out. He says he will "bang me out if im not careful" and tells me not to raise my voice to him etc. He blames me for her blanking him etc. I go back downstairs and they can see something has happened so I told her that he threatened me. They go off I think so she can have a go at him or so I think. She comes back down about 20 minutes later, shouts something at me about she is going and pushes me and storms out. She texts me something saying its not right of us to involve her friend who she was out with, which I hadn't. I go outside and smoke, there is a huge taxi line. He grabs me again and says why did you tell them I threatened you. I say because you did and Im not going to be intimidated or scared and if you are going to do it just do it and get it over with. He tells me to go back in and he buys me a drink. He then says we should go round to the other pub where they are and sort everything out, he is barred from this pub (his ex girlfriend used to work in there and he went in there and hit her one night). I go in try and speak to her and figure out what Im supposed to have done. She shouts at me whenver I try and say anything, starts crying and then runs upstairs into the toilet. Her friend follows her, and I think she did some explaining or defended me. They both came downstairs smiling and she was fine with me again. We leave and I think we are getting a taxi but he is waiting outside in his car and he gives us all a lift home, I dont know if he stopped at hers or went back to talk or what. I got home and I actually cried for the first time since I was a child I was that frustrated with everything.

 

I really just dont know what to do for the best, I'm fed up of feeling caught in the middle and as much as I want her in my life Im not sure If it's going to work whilst he is still on the scene. I am happy enough being friends, although I admit I have feelings and If I had a choice yes I would get together with her.

 

I just feel like I am making everything complicated for everyone and I feel that me being on the scence isn't fair on any of us. I have text her today and told her to come online as I need to talk, I know she wouldn't do it face to face and Im actually surprised that she agreed to come online tonight.

I have suggested to her that I back off and leave them all alone to sort everything out as I am fed up of feeling like I am causing everybody grief all the time.

 

Personally I don't think I deserve it, all i've ever tried to do is be there for her, be a friend. I have never done anything just to try and get together with her. I have never encouraged them to split up. Its not what I want to do, and I have told her that, but if said if someone has to be hurt and lose out in order for everyone to sort things out and be happy I would rather it be me. And I think it is the biggest most selfless thing I can do to show her how much I care and how much she means to me and how I want her to be happy.

 

I'm going to try and explain that I am not trying to issue her an ultimatum or guilt her into anything, but I dont know exactly how to say it all. I don't know whether I should just get everything off my chest whilst ive got the chance and tell her I have feelings for her etc. I just don't know what to do. In one way I want it all resolved for her sake, my own sake. But at the same time I know I am 99% sure im going to lose her as a friend now aswell, and she has been a big part of my life and my social life and happiness is going to take major blow. I have other friends but they rarely go out as they are mostly settled down and have children etc.

 

Any advice on how to handle this tonight would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance and apologies for the long post.

[Frame]

I think you're right to back away from the whole thing - but not for her benefit. You can't see it from where you are - but this situation sounds really bad for you.

 

What's with all the drinking? Everyone in the story - except you - sounds very erratic and drunk. The girl crying and then suddenly being ok, changing her mind every five minutes about what she wants - she sounds like a bit of a disaster.

 

And that guy - making physical threats to you? - don't bother with them anymore. Anyone making threats just shouldn't have any access to you. If your friends tolerate someone like him, they aren't really your friends. If an acquaintance of mine made threats against one of my friends I wouldn't have anything more to do with them.

 

You will find other friends if you do volunteer work or take up a sport. But this social life just seems to revolve 100% around the pub, drinking and drama.

 

Cut the whole lot loose is my advice.

[alba]

Well ive just found out that he told her that I started on him and tried to fight him, im not that kind of person and im not stupid. The guy is twice the size of me and i just wouldnt anyway. She said to her friend that he wouldn't lie to her, but he obviously did. Im genuinely concerned for her because he is obviously has a screw lose. He does care for her and love her but in a scary way, and if im honest I think he would be like that with whoever he is with not just her. Apparently she is going to say sorry to me, and she knows she has got to sort things with him. So i just still dont know what to say to her tonight, i think im still going to suggest that i walk away and just say im going to give her some space for a few weeks. I keep thinking of her because she is a really good girl at heart. I like her for who she is, I know she is no miss innocent but I like her for the good and despite the bad. I just want everyone to be happy. I think she let him stay friends at first because she felt sorry for him as he doesn't have many friends, but to be honest Im not surprised. I think she is scared that if he cuts him loose he will try and kill himself again and she would have that on her concsience forever. But if he was my ex I would be seriously concerned and think he was stalking me, which to be fair is what he is doing. But what i don't understand is she has had plenty of reasons to cut contact with him now, and he even said on friday that he is coming out no matter what last night with her, and after that he needs to move on and get happy. Again another perfect opportunity if thats what she really wants, but she ends up accepting his coat and a lift home with him. He obvioulsy will be thinking now he is back in with her. And he says he needs to move on etc but then tells me last night he is trying to get another job on the door of the bar she/we drink in. Im really concerned for her safety to be honest, and my own as I think he will ultimately end up coming after me for something. If she does break it off completely he will blame me. He knows I have feelings for her so he will always see me as a threat. Everything is always someone elses fault and not his. She doesn't see it but everyone else does, but he seems to have a hold on her, she must still love him I think but she has admitted he will never change, and he has admitted that he is staying friends with her because he ultimately wants more. She is doing neither of them any favours.