Getting close to a person

[m.d.]

I just can't get closer to any person more than saying "hi" when we pass each other.

 

I always thought that I don't have many friends, because I don't really have a lot of opportunities to meet new people. However, when I finally was in new environment

 

Very popular girl in my city became my good friend, what caused that a lot of interesting people wanted to get to know me. I had some opportunities to hang out with them, like going back home after school etc. After like 2 minutes I didn't know what to talk about! Those people looked so disappointed, because they thought I am such an entertaining person (like that popular friend of mine).

 

Now, I ended up knowing hundreds of people, but when we pass each other, they don't even stop for a little chat with me, like they are already convinced that I'll have nothing interesting to say (that's what I think though, I've never heard that they really think like that). They just say "hi" or smile.

 

I have no idea how to get closer to any person. Every conversation I make is irritately superficial (usually I have no other topic than school).

 

One girl I know and really like currently has some serious problems with her boyfriend. She summed it up by "oh, those are just my bad days". She didn't tell me nothing more. Why she didn't think that I may have solution to her problem?

 

Some time ago I realized that I am in constant fear of coming off lame (like I was some shy guy trying to impress a girl), so for once I decided to let go. And what happened? I DID sound really pathetic.

 

Can you tell me, how can I get close to a person? Maybe some "magic" lines... I have no idea, I am so frustrated with that situation.

[Matt14588]

You should play by your strong points. If you're funny, be funny, if you're sweet, be sweet etc. Try not to be so self-conscious...I know its sounds much easier than it is! What kind of things are you into? Maybe you should try to chat to people about similar interests....I've found that a good way to get chatting is to ask questions.

[m.d.]

I KNOW all that, I know questions make the difference, but I have NO NO idea what to ask about, even if it's someone who has the same interests -- yea, I'm THAT hard

 

I have two best friends, one in my hometown, one in the city I currently live and that second one has completely other interests than me

 

People sometimes laugh when I say jokes, but I noticed I'm viewed as a little childish then

[Batya33]

Last night I was at a gathering with some people including a friend of my bf's who is very reserved and on the quiet side. he was especially tired last night. He mentioned some issues at work and for about a half hour, we discussed it and brainstormed, including my mentioning to him someone I know he might want to network with. Right there, I emailed the friend. This morning, I heard back that he would be happy to meet with this guy, which I relayed to the person.

 

the first email back said simply "thanks - I will call him."

 

five minutes later I got another email telling me how I made his night because after a tough week it felt good to have someone take such an interest in what was going on and offer advice and potential solutions.

 

this from a very reserved person who is a bit on the awkward side.

 

that's my best example recently of how to get closer to people.

[m.d.]

No more answers?

[Zeitgeist]

No more answers?

There aren't really any answers. It sounds like you do have some thoughts/opinions/points of view, but you're afraid of expressing them because of how you'll be viewed. Forget "magic" lines. There aren't any. It sounds like you need practice with your social skills.

 

Start off with small stuff. I think one good way is to read the news (link removed), or listen to NPR radio. There are lots of topics that you might learn about that are interesting. And if you're ever looking for something to talk about, you can say, "Oh, I read this article the other day in the New York Times that talked about...". Then either you can express your own opinion or wait for others to chime in their opinions about it. I find that "Most E-mailed Articles" section is a treasure trove of interesting and discussable topics. Finding out people's opinions on certain topics that are of interest to you is also a great way to gauge who's on the same page as you from a philosophical standpoint. link removed's "Since You Asked" advice column is also great (it's under the "Life" section). It's a good segue into more personal matters (see next paragraph).

 

From there, you might then talk about more intimate and personal stuff. Regarding that girl who mentioned having BF issues. You said she just stopped. But did you ask anything that might indicate you were interested in what was on her mind? Sometimes, people throw things like that out there to see who will listen. If you don't ask any further, they might assume you don't want to hear it and thus, shut down. You have to also ride that fine line of asking in a way that doesn't sound like you're prying, and sounding like you're genuinely concerned for that person. For example, in that case, you might ask, "Is everything okay with your boyfriend now?", or "Would you like to talk about it?". But I would say that until you've become skilled at discussing "outside" topics, don't broach the personal stuff. If you're not good at it (listening, being empathetic), you end up being that person who you don't ever discuss personal stuff with.

[m.d.]

It's not about what I can but am afraid to say.

I have completely NO IDEA what to come up with next.

"Oh, what a nice weather"?

[Batya33]

For me if I click with someone - find common ground, I find it easy to make conversation. I also remind myself -especially on a first date! - that the other person has 50% of the responsibility to keep the conversation going. That is a comfort.

[wayoverit]

Recite to yourself what's going on in your life. Your ideals, your philosophy, your thoughts, values, problems, issues, hardship, etc in your life. Repeat, recite, take an interest, in YOURSELF... and extend that routine beyond yourself next time you have the opportunity to talk to someone. Take an interest to find out along that line, with whomever you talk. You will find out we all all similar, and unique in each of our own ways. Most importantly, start with yourself.

[balletkitten]

You've got to get over being so worried what other people think.

 

Sometimes, when I feel self-conscious, I sit in front of a mirror and talk to myself like I might a friend. You will probably feel silly at first, but it can help give you ideas. Keep telling yourself you are a wonderful person with good social skills. Think positive! Contradict those negative thoughts. You can do this!

 

Why not try to focus more on relaxing and listening than thinking over what wonderful thing you can say to get their attention? You might not be a good talker right now, but sometimes people just need a listener. Eventually, with practice, you'll figure out what to say.

 

PS: People love to hear compliments.

[m.d.]

Wow, THE SAME here!

I only talk with "strangers" without being worried.

 

On lessons I talk only about school, what teacher just said etc.

I'm generally in conflict with almost my whole class, but that's not the case (I hate them anyway), because I noticed that I have problems with talking about something else even with "strangers".

 

With me it's like "one sentence-answer-pause-one sentence-answer-pause".

 

 

BalletKitten, 1st good advice! Power of subconscious hehe... I know, I know. I tell things like that to myself all the time, I generally don't think negative, because it attracts negative situations. I just posted here, because I wanted to see what other people have to say about it.