Curing inner demons placed by the ex...

[minigirl]

Via my last breakup, I've learned that I have a few areas need fix. I am taking my part of the failed relationship and am wanting to work on myself more before jumping into another relationship and having it fail like the other.

 

Its just I dont know how to go about it. I know I have to pick up the pieces from the point of when I was cheating on. I've healed from that relationship but I havent 'healed'. My heart has healed but the damage is still there. I'm not confident in myself. I mean I know I'm not ugly, but I feel ugly, fat, undesirable...etc. The aftermath.......

This is how I feel on the inside. I just dont feel worthy or hot.

 

I know because I havent fix that, that all the relationships following after have failed. I know I need to work and fix this. But what more can I do?

Every morning in front of the mirror, I tell myself hoe great I am etc ...

But saying and knowing/feeling it is so different.

 

Can some give me ideas on how to work on it?

I just want to be my old self again with the confidence before that event.

What can I do?

What have you done?

Is it possible or is this an experience that I have to deal with forever?

[lilypadgirl]

You were cheated on. That's NOT your fault or something you need to fix. It's not a reflection of your self-worth or value or hotness at all.

 

Having said that, I'm sure we all could grow as people and I encourage you to keep up the positive attitude for self-growth. Do it for yourself now, not for future relationships. That is do it because you want to better yourself, not to keep guys in the future. I believe if you do the first, the second will come naturally.

 

Self-esteem is something really hard to "fix". I think there are two ways people usually get self-esteem: personal achievements in something that matters to them or through outside validation. True self-esteem is the former, but I think most people measure themselves through the latter.

 

Start by listing all the specific aspects of your life that you are involved with and proud of, whether that is work stuff, hobbies, a talent or interest or personality trait. Also list all the physical things that you are passionate about or would like to learn and get better at or need to do but have been procrastinating. Like, I would like to learn ballet or I would like to learn French, or I need to clean my living room. Then list all the personality traits you would like to be. For example, I would like to be less judgmental or less needy, etc. Choose a short term goal everyday and a long term goal from your lists.

 

First keep sustaining something you already like about yourself by reminding yourself every morning and if the opportunity comes up to exercise on it, take it. For example, I love that I love to dance. But I was depressed for a while and would pass off on dancing opportunities, which just made me feel worse. So I started forcing myself to go dancing even when I was too depressed to "feel the music".

 

Second, try to achieve your daily short term goals from your list of physical things you need/like to do. For example, when I got depressed for a period, I wouldn't keep my apartment as neat as I usually like it. So everyday I started to clean one section at a time everyday as my goal. Even though it's a small thing, I felt accomplished that I kept a neat place. Now my goal is to try to sit still for 3 hours everyday and work without surfing the net until I can break my dependence on the internet.

 

Third choose a personality trait you want to change for your long term goals. I chose two: be less judgmental and be less needy. Whenever I'd have a judgemental thought, I'd bite my tongue to remind myself I don't really know what's going on in someone's life and everyone has different opinions. (Unfortunately, I haven't quite had the opportunity to practice being less needy since I'm pretty isolated.)

 

That's a start and after a while, you'll realize how far you've come! *hug* You can do it! But most importantly, remember you're doing it for you.