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Well i believed and shouldnt have


Allan
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To get background reference my last post. She told me that going out with this guy was just an event to get her mind off things and that she would go to marriage counselling with me 2 days later. So she goes to her event and i'm naturally upset about it and talk to her the night before counselling to set up a time to pick her up and we begin to have a talk and she all of the sudden she just says "you dont want me , i slept with him". So my reaction was to begin yelling at her , then after i calmed down and after the usual series of "Why?" questions i told her everything i ever felt for her and how what she has done has really just destroyed anything i valued in our life together, there were alot of tears and she left. That was last week. Last night we met again and so i could get her to sign our separation agreement and we had a really good heart to heart talk again with lots of tears so we left in our cars and i decided to see which way she would go , to her home(with her cousin) or to this guys house. Of course she went to this guys house, it hurt so bad to see her go to another mans house with our separation agreement after the talk we had because she seemed so distraught, you would think that one would want to be alone at a time like that to read over the agreement and realize the gravity of the situation. So obviously its over, but i cant seem to let go because all of this happened in 2 weeks. She also asked me not to tell anyone about what she has done because she feels it is no ones business i agreed for now until the legal stuff is finished anyway, but her dad called me and asked me why i was unwilling to go to counsilling to save the marriage. She told him that we were going to go and we had a fight and now i dont want to go, she is trying to cover up what she has done and to top it all off she tells me she doesnt think she has done anything wrong. That is the short of it believe it or not i not sure if you can follow this ridiculous situation, deep down i know i have to move on but i also am a deep believer in the vows i took and even in the case of infidelity i think marriage still has to be given one last shot. Any advise anyone? Be gentle.

 

Allan

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I feel for you allan, I hate to say this but it looks like it is over no mater how I look at it. I dont know how you can make the work. I wish that I could help you better but at last I cant. I hope that this goes smothly and good luck.

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I know your right Cid but what i cant understand is why she would be so cold-hearted about it. The guy she is with is just down the road from me and i can see when her car is there and i told her how hurtful that is and she doesnt care, she was my first serious girlfriend and then wife so i have never really seen this side of people before and i cant seem to fathom how someone could do this to someone they profess to love- even last week she told me she still loves but it wont work.

 

 

Allan

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I've really considering that , her family is in the dark on this one, but i have to watch my step. Because of her guilt, i think, she has agreed to a really good deal for me in the separation agreement and if i tell before she signs things could get ugly.

 

Allan

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SHE needs to tell her family if they start looking askance at you.

 

This is her family, it's not grade school, she's an adult, and I'm sure she knew there was a possibility it would have to come out before she got herself in this position. Whether she tells them everything, or just tells them "I messed up, before we started counseling I was really stupid, and I did something I neither expect or condone being forgiven for" and leave it at that, she DOES need to make clear, if it becomes an issue, that you were willing to go to counseling, and she did something that killed that possibility.

 

Why? Because it's not right to let the people closest start taking automatic sides if she's acting upset. They will assume you did something more than likely, not her. You've been slapped hard enough with this, you DON'T need accusations flung in your direction.

 

Look, I've been in your position. Actually, I was in the position where my (now separated) husband wanted ME to tell HIS family we were separated! AND his friends. I put my foot down after I managed to stop feeling sorry for him (yes, I felt sorry for him even though his actions necessitated the separation, go figure) and told him - "your family, your responsibility - you didn't act like an adult when I wanted to work something out, now's your chance."

 

It should only be you telling them if there's no other choice. It IS her family, and they ARE her responsibility. Hey, screwing up was her choice, nobody forced her or coerced her, now it's time to start paying the price. And you telling her will look more vindictive than her. If she absolutely won't and they seem to be looking in your direction - have someone you trust tell them rather than you directly, preferably a mutual friend they won't look for having any motive BUT straightening things out. Someone who can tell them "Look, I know in a way it's none of my business, but A (your wife) doesn't want to tell you she was unfaithful because she doesn't want to lose your respect, and B (you) doesn't want to dirty her name to clear his own and look like a jerk. But as her family, I figure you'd still love her regardless, and should know the score to be able to give her the support/reassurance she needs" or something like that.

 

I am sorry she took your trust and stomped on it without thinking of all the consequences - nobody should have to go through this.

 

And she has no right to ask you to take the blame more or less in exchange for keeping her reputation lily white. If you're worried about the agreement, sure, get her to sign first, but don't let yourself get roped into covering things up for her to the people that don't want to accept "it's a mutual agreement." The ones that just ask out of curiosity you can indeed say "it's none of your business, really. It was between her and I, we're in agreement, that should be enough for you, no offense." Her family, and any very close friends you have are another story. You'll need support - and they can't know that without knowing at least an idea of what went on.

 

Take care of yourself...

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