Just Happened ! Now What ?

[Bobby_H]

My wife & I have been married just 1 1/2 years but have been going out for nearly 8 years

Basically we split up on the weekend. We have not been getting on due to arguments for quite some time & although we had both agreed to try & work things out, it came to a head on Sunday & She left.

 

We have since talked & she told me of her intention to stick by her decision to end the marriage. Obviously I am absolutely devastated but am wondering whether to respect what she has decided or to keep begging that we try one last time as there is so much love there on both sides. I know we're both in emotional turmoil at the moment & although I have many friends to help me through it, my Wife's friends are scattered around the Country & her parents are away on Holiday.

 

She wishes to stay friends but I cannot cope with maintaining any contact or keeping any momentums if things end

 

If anyone has been in a familiar position I'd like to hear any tips on how I can make a last desperate attempt to save my marriage or if it does end, how to survive it without losing my job & my mind

 

thanx

 

Rob

[topliner1607306444]

Hi Rob,

 

I've helped a friend through what you are going through now. He and his wife split last year because of arguments. They were petty enough but they were frequent.

 

They tried to patch things up so many times until it came to a head and she got up and left taking the two kids with her.

 

He was devastated and wrecked his head for months trying to get her back. But he was only doing himself damage as it was over.

 

Its a bit like a tyre, you can only patch it up so many times as there may come a time when its just done. Then you gotta dump it and get a new one.

 

I think you should accept that the relationship is over. This is the most important advice "Closure" Accept that its over for good - Yes this will hurt but it fastens up the healing process.

 

Being friends with her? I dont think you should. Well, not now. Maybe 6 months or a years time you may be friends but not now, it will wreck your head.

 

It seems to me that your marriage is over. Its not the end of the world. Its just something you both tried which didnt work it. Theres no wrong done, thats just the way it worked out.

 

I wish you happiness, you will get through this tough time. My friend, by the way, now, is one of the happiest men on this earth!

 

Tony, 27, Ireland.

[mjones.uk]

Hi Rob,

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation mate, I'm currently in a similiar one - not married but been together 8 years. I love her with all my heart, but she's decided she doesn't feel the same anymore etc etc.

 

Anyway, that was just before Xmas (of all the times to choose) and those two weeks after were the worst of my life. I'm not saying I'm over it now, God no, but i will tell you that in a way I am grateful for what has happened because it has given me the chance to find out what went wrong and how i was responsible.

 

It has given me a chance to see that i have spent 8 years of my life living someone else's and not taking control of my own. It has given me the chance to do alot of research into the field of relationships and into Self Help/Life improvement. I am going to say alot of things now that are things I have learnt recently and at the end I will give a list of books you MUST buy if you would really like some help getting past the way you feel now.

 

Firstly - I'll tell you straight - DO NOT BEG, PLEAD, CRY, ASK FOR A SECOND CHANCE ANYMORE. Period. By doing these things you are reinforcing your partners wishes to be away from you. The more you do these things, the more certain they are going to be about ending it. You are simply putting pressure on them by making the feel you have 'nothing' without them etc. All you are really doing is displaying low self esteem - not a very attractive feature!

 

As hard as it may seem at the moment, you must stop all contact. Firstly, this will show her that you are already taking control of your life, and secondly, she will realise that she can't expect to not have to be in a relationship with you but still have you there when she wants.

 

" Sometimes the absense of something causes no pain, but realizing it's absent to us forever does"

 

You will want to ring, tell her you've changed, tell her you can be the man she wants, the man she used to love etc, and even if this may be true it WON'T MATTER! DON'T DO IT! All you are doing is destroying your own self esteem. When we feel we 'need' something then we are handing over power and control to that thing. When we stop 'needing' then we are giving our power back to ourselves.

 

Once you stop pushing she will stop resisting.

 

Remember this - The only thing you can control in this world is YOU!

 

She has come to a decison that you may not agree with or think is right, but understand that by trying to change that decision you are trying to exert control over her, and if she feels that, how do you think she's going to react?

 

Give her control back to herself. As much as it hurts, tears you up inside (and believe me mate I know exactly these feelings) you must first just give yourself the power not to beg and plead and call and email and...! I found it very hard, but I know that I have kept my self esteem and given my self power back! Hell, she was probably expecting me to do those things so now she can wonder just what the hell I am doing! Ha!

 

Right next point. Many people say after a break up "How am i ever going to get over this?" "I love them so much, how can I ever stop loving them?" Wel how about this - DON'T! Who says you have to 'get over' them? Who says you have to stop loving someone because you're not in a relationship anymore - you don't!

 

The key here is to realise that we can love a lot of people in our lifetime, that doesnt mean each time we have to stop loving them when it ends. What happens is that after time (yes that old chestnut I'm afraid, even I've started to accept it now) as our hearts heal, we can feel that love of that person and actually feel happy we had the chance to share it and experience it. It hurts so bad at the moment when we think of the good times, but one day we will think of the love and those times and just feel a peace in our hearts. We've accepted it's no longer physically with us, but we can still hold it inside without experiencin pain. We haven't 'gotten over it', we've accepted the past, we've accepted the loss and we are ready to move on.

 

Now I'm not saying I'm there yet! But just by saying that to myself and believing it, it does actually make me feel a bit better inside.

 

You might be surprised to learn the secret of accepting and letting go is to just go with the flow. Don't try to let go, just keep holding on. This is part of the grieving and healing process we need to go through in order to heal our hearts. By the way, if you still have that little spark that says 'Maybe there is still a small chance, somehow...' well thats only natural at the moment, but this will slow the grieving process. The way to deal with it is to pretend it is over for good, even if may be there might be chance one day, for now, to help you, you must try to start telling yourself it is really, truly over - and then the tears will really flow and the start of acceptance and healing can begin.

 

Its still early days for you, but believe me when you think you can cry no more, then you haven't done enough! As much as we try to surpress these emotions because of the overpowering despair and pain they bring, we must let it happen, for that is the healing process, they are healing tears.

 

What is she expecting you to do/act at the moment? And if you do that is it going to have any effect on winning her back? NO! So start to agree with her. 'It is the best thing to separate!' 'You're right, we should move on'. Once she feels no resistance then she stops wanting to resist. Once people stop feeling the pressure you put on them they start to feel more comfortable around you. You actually win the battle! Now I'm not saying it means you'll get back together (remember,we are accepting its over) but if there was ever a starting point then accepting and not resisting is the one. Don't be the person she's expecting you to be. As difficult as it is, try to show indifference. Just agree with her, tell her you feel the same.

 

You really want to drive her crazy? Just get on with your life and make it better than theirs! I know its early days yet, but believe me it will drive your ex crazy to see that you are doing better without them, that you're the stronger one–the real winner in the battle–and that they weren't at all that important to you!

 

Another way that has helped me has been to change that 'little voice' in my head. You know the one! The one that says 'I'm nothing without her', or 'There's no one else in the world for me' or 'i can't go on without her in my life' etc etc. Aaagh! Remember this - "Whatever i think, I am". Keep saying these things to yourself and you just reinforce them! So we have to start changing these little voices, or these beliefs (if that is how we see them) to one's that actually work for us.

 

An important thing to note here is that there is no reality - only perception. read that line again. What it means is that we don't really see what's going on in the world, we only see our perception of it. And it is within our power to literally change our perception of any situation. Its not the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events - how we interpret them - that shapes who we are today and who we'll become tomorrow.

 

Lets look at some examples. You could keep telling yourself that 'There's no-one like her for me' - not much help in the healing process - or you could look at that little voice and say 'Well thats a bit silly. There's millions of women in the world looking for a guy like me and at least I've now got the chance to find someone who really wants to be with me.' Wouldn't that help a bit, even if you don't currently believe it?

 

Here are some more examples for you to keep reinforcing in your mind!

 

" The only thing I control in my life is ME. I accept that all other things are beyond my control"

 

"Everything happens for a reason. I may look back on this in a years time and be grateful that it happened".

 

"I feel really bad right now, but I know that in time, this too shall pass"

 

"Whatever happens to me, in any given situation - I'll handle it!"

 

"The past does not equal the future"

 

"There is really only one person in this world who can truly make me happy and that is ME!"

 

"Every experience in life is a learning experience. There are no failures, only lessons."

 

"Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning i give it"

 

"If I truly love her then I want her to be happy - even if its not with me"

 

I could go on and on here, but those are some good examples.

 

See this as a learning experience. Forgive yourself and your wife and allow yourself to grieve and believe that things will get better. Remember, there are couples that are married 25+ years and separate, yet they too find love again. So can You and I, when the time is right.

 

Don't try to get over it too soon. Allow yourself the grief now. Ignore friends and family who get fed up with your 'moping around' - if you had a broken leg they wouldn't moan because you aren't running around, the same applies for a broken heart.

 

Make this the chance to really improve yourself. Thats what I'm doing. Looking back I can see why she left me. I was clingy, needy, self conscious -aaggh! Now I'm going to give myself this time to grieve, accept, heal and make myself such a better person, one I deserve to be, that if my ex ever saw me again she wouldn't recognise me! I'm giving myself my personal power back.

 

All the time we beg and plead and email and phone, or constantly think about getting back with them, we are letting them win! These things don't work. We are letting then control our lives even when they aren't there anymore! What are we - Men or Mice!?

 

Understand that there is no blame. You are responsible for your life. No one else. You create the results in your life - all of the time. When we feel angry, hurt or upset in some way then we own those feelings and are accountable for their presense in our lives.

 

You are not a victim. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations. Stop saying "Why are you doing this to me?" and start saying "Why am I doing this to myself?"

 

Nows the time for us take a long hard look at our lives and ourselves. An important phrase now is "Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting."

 

It is a painful and horrible time and we dont want it to be real. But it is. We can't win by displaying weak, needy nothingness to our ex'es. We can only win by accepting the grief, allowing it to happen in order for us to heal, and build ourselves into bigger, stronger, better people who don't need anyone to make them happy! Maybe one day we'll see our partners again and they'll realise what they let go! Then who has the power!

 

I'll tell you the one thing that is helping me at the minute, and this may sound strange. I am installing the belief that 'As long as she's happy then I'm happy'. If she's having fun, even if its with someone else, then as long as she's happy I am happy. After all, if you really love someone you want them to be happy! Its only our selfish reasons of wanting to be the one to make them happy, thats makes us upset to think they are doing ok without us.

 

I do miss my ex and i'm sure i will for a long time, but I'm going to keep working at improving myself and constantly reinforcing the belief that as long as she's happy, then I'm happy.

 

I know alot of this won't seem like much to you at the moment Rob, as your split is very recent, but I think the most important thing you can do now, as I said earlier is not to call and beg and plead - you will only be reinforcing her decision to leave whilst losing your own self esteem. let her be the one doing the wondering!

 

Now, one thing that helped me was to take a week off work (doctor signed me off due to 'stress' of the breakup) and do lots of reading of the following books and websites - they have all really helped me.

 

All the best mate

 

Mike

 

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Life Strategies by Dr Phillip C McGraw

Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins

Unlimited Power by Anthony Robbins

Mars and Venus Starting Over by John Gray