How do I find pleasure in my marriage again...

[okguy]

I am married to an incredible woman. We don't have children, but would like to in the future. I know that I love her and would lose a lot if our marriage ever ended. I can't however, seem to find that spark, that emotional high that we used to have. I feel emotionally void. I am not depressed, but I don't really seem to find pleasure in anything anymore...especially my marriage. We have tried spending time together just the two of us to "rekindle" the flame that once existed, but it seems to be of no use. I don't want to leave my marriage right now, but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life flatlining emotionally. I don't want children until I know WE are happy. I don't see kids as "fixing" any problems. What am I supposed to do?

[sphinx999]

You could try the opposite of spending time together, try spending come time apart for about a week if it doesn't, spend time together again and go for relationship therapy.

caz xx

[The Morrigan]

First, you're absolutely right not to have children unless you're happy together, if there's already problems, it'll probably intensify them, not fix them.

 

Are you in a rut or a "comfortable routine" that doesn't vary much from day to day? Do you have interests, friendships, hobbies you pursue apart from each other? Sometimes it seems it's as much getting into a fixed routine that doesn't vary much that tends to come with marriage or long term relationships, because you get a bit too much of the "things should be done together" thing going. If you've tried other stuff already, see if going to a counselor gives you any insight, sometimes the hardest place to see what's going on IS from the middle of it, and an outside perspective can help. Good luck!

[everafter]

Just want you to know that you are indeed not alone. My husband and I were having problems these last few months, and we went to counseling. Counseling was great, and I do recommend it. What it's done is get us back on track. However, we too have been getting ready to have kids, and I've decided that it's not right for us. I need to wait at least a year and make sure we're okay, and frankly I'm just kind of turned off to the idea right now. More importantly, counseling did not help in one way - I just have no passion for my husband (we're married nearly twelve years). Kissing him, making love to him, it's all just going through the motions now. I'm 37 years old, and I want to feel that excitement again, that passion, that desire. I just don't see it happening with my husband. I truly love him and can't bear the thought of leaving and hurting him. But what are we to do?

[CAsummer2003]

Wow.. I am glad I am not alone. I have been married for 5 years and I am not happy in my marriage right now. My wife has no clue because she is very happy in the marriage. We got married in our early 20s. (Too young to get married) I am currently working full time and going to school. I still love my wife very much but I have no passion in the marriage anymore. I also want to have kids but it's not the right thing to do. I am really stressed because I work and go to school. However, we have been together for about 8 years and I am finding myself bored in the marriage. I feel like I need to be alone and live life a bit more because I am not a happy camper. I would like to take a break from the marriage and feel free once again. My wife has no friends and needs me 24/7. (I could write a book on this) I only have one problem. I can't even talk to my wife about this because it would break her heart so much. I could see myself taking a break from our marriage but I don't think my wife does one bit. I know what everyone is going to say…I need to talk to her first.

[pschlegel]

Have you thought about what brought you together

in the first place? What were some of the magical

moments and what made them magical?

 

Is there any way you can try to recreate those?

 

Sometimes I forget how incredible my wife is, but

I make sure I remember and tell her. Have you told

her how incredible you think she is? It may open

her up to some surprising (and good responses).

 

Paul