pschlegel

Well, As far as being older getting married here's what happened for me and my wife. We both had a lot of baggage, but we both had done alot of personal work, therapy, etc. We both know the importance of living an authentic life. It's been magic. But it's probably is difficult to find someone who has done personal work who isn't trapped into the "idea" of personal work if that makes any sense. On the other hand, I also got married young (my first wife). We're still good friends, but it was definitely not the wisest thing to do. We didn't really know who we were at the time. Hope that helps somewhat, anyhow.

This something a counselor recommended to my wife and I which is so obvious, but still really amazing. Each one of you make up a list of your expectations and what you want out of the marriage. Don't show each other your list until you're each done. Then compare lists. This is a great way of heading off problems up front. Hopefully you won't see any big mismatches, but you may find things that really surprise you. And to save your marriage, wouldn't you like to know about those up front? And of course, ideally, you do these things BEFORE you get married not to save a marriage after the fact. What do you think of this idea? Paul

As far as counselors saving a marriage, it really depends on three things I think: 1) Is the counselor any good at saving marriages 2) Are both you and your wife commited to saving your marriage if possible? 3) Is your wife owning her problems as well as you? I think you may be being too hard on yourself. It's great and important to be honest, but if your owning your problems and you're wife is claiming to be perfect (I don't know that's true), then I would be concerned. How long have you guys been working on saving your marriage so far?

Have you thought about what brought you together in the first place? What were some of the magical moments and what made them magical? Is there any way you can try to recreate those? Sometimes I forget how incredible my wife is, but I make sure I remember and tell her. Have you told her how incredible you think she is? It may open her up to some surprising (and good responses). Paul

Well, Suicide is not the answer. I went through horrendous panic attacks and black-outs at one point and even carried out a suicide plan (that luckily failed) about 10 years ago. Now my life is the greatest life that I could ever imagine. And back then there's no way I could have ever guessed the path that would lead to it. Have you read any books on relationships? If I had done more of that back then I would have probably saved my first marriage (on the other hand I wouldn't have had the incredibly wonderful wife and son I now have). Paul