reaching out to a certain someone

[spirited]

I'm a very shy person. And I've always had trouble reaching out to people. I usually don't ask for help when I need it. I guess it's due to low self-esteem and feeling that I would just waste people's time. There are a few people who I've opened up to. But things have changed, and I'm not as close to those people as I used to be. In fact, I don't really trust them anymore because of what's happened. And this has just made it even harder to open up now.

 

There's this guy I really admire. Sometimes, I'm confused about how I feel about him. I like him because he has these qualities that I wish I had. I wish I was more like him, and so sometimes I think I might mistake my admiring him for something more. I've admired him for a long while now, but I didn't feel this way about him until recently.

 

A few weeks ago, we had lunch together. I recently took over a position he used to have, and he asked me to lunch so we could talk about anything I might have questions on. I was talking about some of my concerns, and then eventually, I talked to him about something that I had been keeping to myself. He was very understanding. A few days after lunch, I emailed him about some business, and he responded to that, but in his email, he also thanked me for sharing things with him and said he would always be there to help me, whether it would be for work or for advice and support.

 

Ever since then, I've been thinking about him constantly. And yes, I wish we were more than friends, but if anything, I just want him to be my friend. We're friends now, but if anything, we're more like acquaintances, and what I really want is for him to be someone I can talk to.

 

We had lunch together 3 weeks ago, and ever since then, things have just been like they have always been. My common sense tells me that he just offered to give me advice and support because he's just a really great guy who's just being nice. I'm sure he would help me if I asked him, but I don't want to reach out to him because I don't want to waste his time.

 

So what should I do? I really wish I could talk to him about things because I trust his opinion. But I know I'll probably become dependent on him, or I will just like him more than I should. I really like him a lot now, and I doubt he could feel the same way about me (I don't see myself as the kind of girl he goes out with – he likes the cute, outgoing, confident girls, and I'm not really like that). I want to be his friend, but I'm afraid being friends would just make me feel bad since I also want to be more than friends.

[Blue_Soul]

I'm a little shy myself, but I'm a guy so maybe I can help you shed some light on this. Before we get to the guy, let's try and figure out why you're so shy. You feel like any time you ask for help, you'll be bothering people. I used to be just like that too. It's a major self esteem problem called a cognitive distortion. You've probably been down on yourself for so long that not asking for help and not reaching out to people has become a learned behavior. It's simply not true. If you're a good person and have a good head on your shoulders, you shouldn't worry about it. I was crippled by shyness for a long time myself. I went to counseling for a long time and worked hard to change my outlook on myself. I'm not a complete extrovert now but I'm much more open and not as afraid of people. So first, think about counseling.

 

Now, as far as the guy goes, he sounds nice. He even went as far as thanking you for confiding in him, if he didn't enjoy talking to you, he wouldn't have done that. Be careful though, don't sit around and obsess over people. You'll drive yourself crazy. Get out, take a walk, do something to take your mind off your feelings (I've found that any form of excercise helps tremendously). Also think about this, if he wasn't interested in you romantically, could you stand to be just friends? Or would it hurt too much? Set your sights on yourself and other people first. I think this is your real demon at the moment. Once you get to feeling a little better about yourself, things tend to fall into place.

[real amour]

Hello spirited. Just be friends. You cannot make a man love you. You can only try to lure him strongly, but that is all. I have lost TONS of time on men who really ended up just wanting to be friends. We were all betwen 22 and 27, but nevertheless. There was like 5 guys I made slight moves or efforts to be around them, hoping they would ask me out. I invested a lot emotionally, being friends with them made me feel closer, it was more objective than feeling 'hot' over someone instantly. All this to say, it was the biggest waste of time these men 'friends'. I learned that liking someone for too long and it 'nothing happens', will make you miserable, not trust men. Then you reject a good one because of some stupid pattern you fell into. If a man, A REAL MAN WITH A PENIS NOT A REPRESSED OR CONFUSED MAN is interested, it doesn't take them forever to be clear or clearish about their intentions. Cut your losses short and don't think too much, men are creatures of action, and trust me too, women are also, you will learn. Good luck.