This hurts just as much

[Hopefloats]

My mind is racing and I need to get everything out, but I'm not sure how on earth to do so and make sense. Please bear with me.

 

I'm feeling totally exhausted tonight and realizing there are just so many "stages" to a break up.

 

A little history...

 

I was involved in a relationship for several years with (who I thought was) "the guy." My god I loved him.

 

After he left me, I spent nearly six months truly thinking I was going to die. I was beyond devistated. The breakup wasn't healthy and I SO SO wish I had found this site when we broke up. I did everything wrong post break up...I didn't do NC...just everything I COULD do wrong, I did....with the exception of going to councelling. That, helped a lot.

 

It took me until this past April (one year post break-up), to finally have enough. I won't go into details, nor will I claim to have been perfect in that year, but I had just started seeing someone else and was finally done with his games...and told him so. It's now that I just wished I could STOP loving him.

 

Then, he reappeared (as usual) this past August, and I found myself having forgiven him. Not to say I wanted him back...nor did I think of working us out...but I had purged myself of hate and anger and just...forgave him.

 

I forgave myself to.

 

Like I said, he resurfaced in August and grilled me on what I was doing with my life, who I was seeing etc. while offering me nothing about his life. Mind you, I didn't ask either. Typicall, one month later, he disappeared again leaving emails that he initiated unanswered once I replied to them.

 

So this past week, now that he's been "gone", I've been down again...but for all different reasons. I've realized that I've fallen out of love with him. I think of him and just shrug. I'm seriously not angry...or upset with him. His disappearing again hasn't bothered me like it usually does. The only thing that I realize is...I just don't love him anymore.

 

So...does this mean the relationship has come full circle? I mean...we had the excitement of a new relationship; fell in love; talked of marriage; had rough spots; broke up; hurt and anger and tears...OMG the tears; more anger; regret; fear; forgiveness and now....nothing.

 

I don't love him...I don't hate him. I just think of him and wish him the best and....shrug my shoulders.

 

So...why do I feel so empty? I wanted so badly to stop loving him...and now that I have, I feel kinda sad.

 

Break-ups are so crazy.

[orchidrose]

I feel the same way. In some ways it's a great relief to not be a slave to thoughts of him, to constant wishes of having him back. But in another, it's all just very sad. To think of how much I loved him, how crushed I was when we broke up. He was my everything, and I was his. And now we don't even talk to each other.

 

But I guess these things run their course. I'll feel that way about someone else, and he will, too. When it's meant to be, it will last forever.

[Hopefloats]

Agreed and thanks.

 

Maybe I wrote this to give others hope...that the pain does subside. The thing is, one pain is just substituted for another. At least now though, I feel the end is near.