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Did i miss something...


janney
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2 years ago i started seeing an old flame. Early in the relationship i did something that damaged the trust in the relationship. I wasn't unfaithful although he believed i would have been. i tried to do everything i could to restore the trust, being accountable, taking responsibilty for my actions, acknowlodging his pain, etc...

 

Our relationship seemed to be going along ok, spending nearly every night together then he would do something that would clearly indicate to me that he did not want to be in the relationship. When i would talk to him, he would say how badly i hurt him and that he needed time and space to see if he still wanted to be with me. I'd said ok. Then the next day he would call or show up at my house and act like nothing had happened. When i would ask why the sudden change of heart, he would say that he loved me and wanted to be with me. A couple of months would go by and then boom, the same cycle all over again.

 

After a year, eventhough he would say he needed space and then he would wait maybe 2 days and then come back without the usual "but i love you", i just assumed he did.

 

About 6 months ago he started dating other people and when i found he gave the same explaination "but i still don't trust you , you hurt me really badly....." I tried to explain to him how his behaviour of dating other people hurt me because i loved him and wanted a real committed relationship" i was tired of being punished, when i asked him if he still wanted to be in the relationship, he said he did not know and maybe we should date other people, but then did all of the things that would indicte that he did not want to leave. Like still spending alot of time with me, calling constantly, making positive references about our future, ie..calling me his wife etc..

 

Well recently when i tried to make plans for his birthday, he said he was spending it with someone else. i was devastated and abruptly ended the relationship. He called me everyday, even when he was with the other woman and told me how much he missed me, etc... I told him i needed space to get over the relationship. He responed that he did not understand why we could not be friends and still see each other just not as bf and gf, afterall i did hurt him...

 

(btw - it's not about money, we both have very good jobs and own our homes)

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Hi Janney !

 

Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing with us.

 

It sounds to me like this man is unsure about what he wants at all.

 

You can spend the next 40 years trying to figure out what he is really thinking, yet may not come to any correct assumptions. My advice to you thereforeeee is this.

 

What do you want here? Do you want this relationship or not?

 

If not, then forget this man, and use this oppertunity to remain away from him giving you time to recover and get on with your life.

 

If you want this man, then I suggest that you get everything out in the open with him. Give him one chance to get his act somewhat together, to get the relationship to a state where at least you both know where you stand. You certainly don't know where you stand at the moment.

 

So the answer is of course as always, communication. Before you decide to communicate this to him, have a good long think about what it is you really want now. If you still want him, then let him talk to you and you let him know what you are thinking. You have absolutely nothing to loose, and clarity to gain !

 

Hope this helps you some,

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