Is there ever real hope?

[istillluvu06]

Hi all, I have posted many times before here and have gone through absolute hell. Before I ask for advice (which i probobly already know the answers). I was wondering what the percentage is on getting back together and staying together? Do you think there is too much damage and baggage for it to ever work out? Is it a good idea? I'm so confused and in pain and feel i have made a huge mistake. I got a second chance and ruined it.](*,)

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm sorry that you feel you got a second chance and ruined it....

 

I feel that way too... I didn't even know I was getting a second chance until it was all taken away.

 

I've tried for months to patch things up.... he's really done with me... moving on...

 

He's got an ex coming in from out of town that he even stated that he told her no right after we broke up in case things worked out... I guess he finally decided things will never work out cause she's coming in 2 weeks.

 

I do feel you pain....

 

Just know you are not alone.

[TijuanaJones]

Hi all, I have posted many times before here and have gone through absolute hell. Before I ask for advice (which i probobly already know the answers). I was wondering what the percentage is on getting back together and staying together? Do you think there is too much damage and baggage for it to ever work out? Is it a good idea? I'm so confused and in pain and feel i have made a huge mistake. I got a second chance and ruined it.](*,)

 

I think it pretty much depends on what caused the separation and the degree of maturity of the people involved.

In my case, the things that made us split were simple, but sadly my ex-GF is only 19, so she made a big issue out of it.

 

I know if I got back to her I would do a great job, a better job than last time, but I seriously doubt that she is ready for another chance. If I take her back it's because she will convince me that she appreciates the man I am and that she will fight for me.

 

Don't think that you ruined your second chance, but really try to ask this to yourself: Did I have to change or get the bad end of the deal to be back with my ex? At what cost would I be back with my ex? Im I convinced that I can't do better than my ex?

[istillluvu06]

Thanks and I'm sorry for your pain too. My situation is even worse cause I work at his store and don't have another job. I don't know what to do. Yesterday he told me he wants me out of his life, but yet he says he loves me but doesnt want a relationship with me because there is too much anger and I have'nt changed at all. I have changed alot of things, had a horrible jealousy problem. But I bring things up because I want to work through them somehow, and to him that is bringing it all back to relive the past. Also we used to be engaged and I have never given up hope that we would always be together. I really love this guy.

 

Lately it's been pure frustration, the more he pushes me away the more hurt I feel and lonely etc. He says I ruined him and how he feels etc. It's a horrible situation. I wanted us to go to counseling, I am already going. I think he thought it was totally up to me to fix it all and I thought it took 2. I feel like I'm a really bad person, cause he says I was'nt the person I promised I was and that I had changed or he never would have gotten back with me. How can someone on one hand still love you but not be at all willing to try? He says he has given up all hope and faith and doesnt care about trying anymore. It hurts so bad cause I know there was hope for us, I have never given up and now I think it's time. I feel like I'm going crazy. Today at work I lost it and threw everything off my desk. A customer called and asked to speak to my husband. That felt like a daggar in my heart. I just lost it all this pain came up inside of me and I'm never violent, But felt that in that split second. I walked out and havent heard from him. I need the job until I can find a new one, but I can't bear to go in there tomorrow.

 

I don't know what to do, I have a daughter to support and there are hardly any jobs here where I live. Should I just leave him alone forever? Please someone give me advice. I'm sorry if this is kinda jumbled it's hard to explain cause there's so much background too. Thanks all

[CatsMeeoow]

Okay - you have to work with him... OUCH...

 

But, use it to your advantage....

 

Smile at him... be nice... (yes it will hurt like hell) compliment him on something work related...

 

Show him you are better... Show him you have changed not just tell him...

 

I know how hard it is to take 10 steps back... but do it...

 

read a self help book... go to counseling but don't let him in on what you are doing... don't tell him... be vague if he asks...

 

If you can keep your moments together POSITIVE... you can soften his anger... people are you mirror - smile at them and they smile back.

 

Keep every moment positive NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT KILLS YOU... do not lose control at work - do it at home after your daughter is in bed.

 

The more positive moments the more he'll think about what was good about your relationship.

 

The problem with my ex is that WE never see each other - we live an hour apart... I know right now you'd like to be an hour apart! But since you can't keep it light and positive... trust me... if you were all spazed and now you have it together... he'll wonder what's going on in your life.

 

best of luck!!!

[istillluvu06]

Thats' what I should have done, Just kept things in. But now he has said he wants me out of his life. So I don't think there is much hope now and I sure don't know about work, how do I go back there? Even tho it's necessary? I feel like an idiot but yet angry too. Should I message him and apologize for how I acted? I am a very emotionl person, I cry alot lately and it is so hard to keep it in. I don't want to lose him forever but feel I already have, too much damage. He doesnt trust me at all with his heart and has built a steel wall up against me. Should I at least message him? He probobly won't message back, although we used to talk for hours on messenger. I don't know if it's his anger talking or he really is done. I have to believe he is done. I do go to counseling already, but if the other person isnt willing there's nothing I can do. I don't want to feel needy or begging if I message him. I don't know what to do. I wish I could disappear. He said if I love him I will just leave him alone.

[CatsMeeoow]

Give him a "cooling off" period. Don't message. Just go into work calm, cool and collected.

 

If he SAYS anything about it... Say "your right, I let my emotions get the better of me and I'm sorry" then let it go and get to work.

 

If he doesn't bring it up then you act like NOTHING happened (trust me... this will make him wonder... he won't let you know that but it will.)

 

Hold your head high... you can do this... (yes you will be in knots BUT do not show it!)... as needed go to the bathroom and take as many deep breaths as needed but not out where anyone can see you.

 

good luck!

[TijuanaJones]

Thanks and I'm sorry for your pain too. My situation is even worse cause I work at his store and don't have another job

 

There has to be another job in town you can take. For your own sanity, you could start looking in the papers or at link removed or something. Maybe a temp job or something? Can you move out of town with relatives? My heart goes out to you, it must be so hard!

 

I feel like I'm a really bad person, cause he says I was'nt the person I promised I was and that I had changed or he never would have gotten back with me.

 

It was so unfair of him to tell you that! I don't think that you are a bad person. Don't let what others think of you influence what you think of yourself. ((hugs))

[istillluvu06]

Thanks so much for your insight. You seem very knowledgable. I usually know how to help others but can't help myself most of the time. I'm afraid he'll throw me out or something. It sucks cause it's his shop and we used to be a team, I treated like it was mine and made all the decisions as far as bills etc. I worried about the problems that went along with it too. Now not only am I losing the man I love, I'm losing the job I grew attached to etc. I am so mad at myself right now, but I am also really angry with him too. I feel like he's had a chip on his shoulder since we got back together, cause I was in the wrong and always felt below him cause I had to make up for all my wrongs in the past. Sorry for going on and on. I feel so desperate and in need of the right guidance cause I really don't know what to do anymore. I asked if I should message him so I can get a feel as to whether I should even go there tomorrow instead of bringing on more hurt. And thanks Tijuanajones for trying to make me feel better It's gonna take a long time before I feel better I'm afraid.

[CatsMeeoow]

That's a very close work situation and couples who work together have added stresses. I don't think I could work with my significant other - there is NO space there and often times work comes home and vice versa.

 

Maybe he will ask you to leave BUT if he is any kind of a decent man AT ALL - he will know the job market is crappy and you have a child to support.

 

All I can say if he does let you go knowing those things he is not the man for you. He would never and could never be there for you in any sort of real crisis.

 

We all make mistakes.

 

There isn't a minute that I don't wish I could go back to Jan and do things differently - I wasn't wrong but I wasn't right but the bottom line is it doesn't matter. What matter is that I loved him but I couldn't get him to see that. The more I thought I was showing the more I was pushing him away - I didn't see it but he even told me so... now I have lost him forever... he's gone on... he did wait 7 months but now he's having a very old flame (who very much wants him) stay with him for 2 weeks.

 

I'm hurt... he knows this... he knows that it if something happens during those 2 weeks not only are we finished but I would never respect him again. Despite all our problems I do still respect him - he is very mature which is a problem as well... I know this wasn't a rash decision...

[istillluvu06]

I understand about the more you try to show love or "fix' things the more it pushes a man away. I am so sorry for your situation, it's really sad. I don't think I could deal with the man I love staying with an old flame, it would kill me, cause to me in my eyes we should be together. I know that sounds selfish, but I really believe people give up too quickly on other people. Sometimes the real one does come along and it is really hard but in the end worth it. And why do we always hurt the ones we love?

 

I'm so scared about tomorrow.

[CatsMeeoow]

I have accepted that there is nothing I can do about the ex coming... I'm okay with that. He hasn't seen her in 16 yrs and she lives out of the country. So a long term relationship is not going to happen. He's told me that she is interested in him... he honestly says he doesn't know what he wants. I mean if he sleeps with her it's just for a cheap thrill because he can. I made it very clear in my last email I have absolutely no right to say what he does or how he behaves but if he does that I will have NO respect for him.

 

On one hand why would he care? He doesn't want a romantic relationship with me so why would he care who he sleeps with BUT if he is interested in knowing how I'm doing from time to time then he will want my respect. Will he want it enough to watch what he does with her-I'll never know. I mean in a month or so if I ask he will answer honestly that much I do know.

 

All I can hope for as a friend pointed out to me is that maybe he spends time with this girl and realizes what he had with me. I think its a lot to hold out for but it's all I have.

[istillluvu06]

It really sucks that we don't have much to hold onto. Seems like we are both almost the same age. When does life settle down? I was married for 12 years, got divorced 10 yrs ago and have had a few short term relationships, but not until this guy have I ever felt like this about anyone before. I think because I fell so deeply in love with him it brought on all my jealousy crap, constant fear that he would be taken away from me. And this in the end is what has caused our demise All I wanted was a real family and loving partner and nothing worked out that way. At 41 I feel pretty lost and like once again I have let myself down. My daughter is 16 and my other daughter is 19 and is in college. I keep wondering why I let a good man go? Why did I hurt him over a fear that never happened? Until now realize I furfilled my own fears and pushed him away forever. I hate when people say well theres other guys out there, sure there are but when you put so much love and time into someone you feel like no matter what it can work out. You're right there is nothing you can do but see what time will do. I think time is the only hope for anything. Time has a way of changing things I think. Maybe being too impatient gets in our way alot.

[CatsMeeoow]

My guy didn't put much effort into it either... a little bump and we were caput. I know he has issues... commitment/divorce issues, financial stress is probably the biggest killer... somehow unbeknowst to me I was adding more stress... he had to let me go.

 

My actions while I thought said LOVE pushed him further away from me.

 

I feel that if you love something you fight for it.

 

But, try to learn from my mistakes... fighting can sometimes mean taking a step back and not fighting.

 

I can feel your stress and you have my support. You can get through your day tomorrow. Feel free to PM me tomorrow if you need to.

 

Get some sleep - I know how hard it is... I've had those sleepless nights too but rest is the best thing you need right now.

[istillluvu06]

Thanks and I will PM you tomorrow if i CANT TAKE IT. I will try to sleep, hopefully. Thanks and have a good nite.

[CatsMeeoow]

You do the same!

[hmkmorain]

I am not sure of the percentages for re-relationships but I believe that they are pretty low. Because most people only change for a short period of time then go right back to the way they were. You should not feel that it is all your fault because there is never one side to every story guilt plays a big part of the way that you feel.

 

cheer up there are better things out there for everyone.

[istillluvu06]

True and in my case I think that maybe alot of things needed to be resolved but werent, kinda not saying what you really feel cause of kinda walking on eggshells cause youre so afraid of losing them again etc. Thats another thing, when you have been dumped by that person you fear it again, resentment grows. its horrible. Yea I do feel guilty, but im angry too and just plain heartbroken all at once. Don't know where to turn at this point, just pretty lost. Have you heard from your wife? Have you been able to talk w/o arguing?

[hmkmorain]

We still talk but she is so negative I just cringe when I have to talk to her she just cannot see the bright parts of life only the dark, grey, and dreary. I wish that it was not like that but it brings me down to talk to her but we try to be civil for our daughter.

[istillluvu06]

That is how my ex is, very cynical, says he has no hope or trust anymore. yet says he loves me but that doesnt matter. He's tired of trying. I've never given up hope on us. He doesnt see any good anymore. I think there are other things going on with him too. I think he's stressed and burnt out from work. It's a really long story. I'm going to post it tomorrow well later today, I don't know what to do from here except leave him alone. We work together at his shop so this is extremely hard. Does your wife give you any inclination that she wants this marriage?

[hmkmorain]

She has the strangest way of showing that she want this to work. she will tell me that she is sorry and want everything to work but then she will call me five minutes later and tell me that she hates me and nevr wants to see me again. with a return phone call telling me it is O.K. ? I can't grasp how she feels or what she wants I may never truly know how she feels??

[istillluvu06]

She sounds really really confused and filled with mixed emotions. TIME!! I think thats what everybody says. Nothing ever gets settled in a heated argument, and even though we want some kind of answer it may not come for awhile and we can't force anybody to do anything. Soooo frustrating. I have said I would rather have 2 broken arms then go through this emotional hell. At least theres pain meds for that!!

[hmkmorain]

I think that she is really confused. I keep trying to tell her that we will know what we should do in time but she wants everything done right now or if not now it should have been yesterday. LOL

[hmkmorain]

Do you know what nc means I keep seeing it all over the forum?

[istillluvu06]

NC is no contact whatsoever, so things can heal. but it's hard cause you have a child. This link will explain NC Exactly. Very helpful post