How do you really know if you love someone?

[diverp]

I have spent this last few weeks trying to get over my ex. I have other posts on here talking all about it. We have spent this last year going on and off. I would ask her back one time, she would ask me back another time...it just kept cycling like that. This last time, she told me not to contact her as she is trying to "heal". I got really hurt by this and this last few weeks have been very depressing and I have tried to figure out why someone I love so much and who love me would do this. I felt very badly. So the last two days I started thinking about things in my life. I always thought I loved her. I always told her I loved her. I started looking up what other people's ideas of love were. I found a site that actually listed 3 chriteria for love. 1) commitment 2) intimacy (talking your feelings in a good way) 3) passion. So I started applying these chriteria to this relationship in the past year. The first 5 months consisted of all 3 actually. It amazed me. However, the last 4 or 5 months simply consisted of passion. We really weren't committed to each other like we once were, we weren't as intimate as we once were. But we still had fantastic passion and sex. I almost started to think that we started off in love and went backwards and were only in lust. Is that possible? I really started thinking to myself why I loved her and I started applying these chriteria and all I could think of that I really missed from her is her touch when we were alone and the sex. However, it was pretty obvious that there were problems with commitment (originally from me, and the last 6 months from her). And we also didn't talk about our passions and fears and wants with each other any longer. We had degraded.

 

So, I am now starting to find out what my personal definition of love is. What do you all think is your personal definition of love? I am 32 and I have only been in a handful of relationships (6) and this one was by far the most infatuating for me. I was ready to marry this girl (actually I did propose and she accepted at one point). So because of my self professed lack of experience with relationships, the more I think about it, I really don't know what love is. I find I really don't have a good solid idea of what love is. I thought I did, but my mind was clouded with what I thought was love. I just really don't know what it is. I would like to get some opinions (from both men and women) as to what their ideas of love are. Thanks

[ashortie4u1]

hey, im sorry to hear about your relationship. i am having a similar problem with my boyfriend. i know i truly love him, but the problem is that its a long distance relationship and well i dont know if hes cheating on me. he says he loves me, but to me he doesnt act the way he used to the 1st 4months that we were going out and we've been going out for almost 1yr 1/2. my definition of love is hard to explain, but when a person is in love they are willing to do anything for their g/f or b/f they cant stop thinking about them, can trust them and tell them anything even if its embarrassing. a person that you can count on and know that they will be there for you no matter what.

[diverp]

I'm sorry to hear about how your relationship is going. It is hard, I know. I am starting to see that this is very difficult, but I am starting to embrace a it as an honest learning experience. I want to know where I went wrong and maybe where my ex went wrong. You know, when I proposed to my ex, I asked myself why I love her. What do I love about her. I never thought much of it at the time, but I couldn't pin it down to anything. I just told myself that it was just "her". I loved being with her. Then I started telling myself that I loved some of the things about her, but in reality some of those things weren't really there. I thought I loved how she was with people when in fact she is very bad with most people. I thought I loved her independence and stubbornness. I have found that I love her independence but I don't love anything about her stubbornness in the fact that it is what stops her from being open with me/other people. She would rather be alone and work on things on her own instead of ask others for help. She sees help from others as a sign of weakness (which amazes me again how she ever got the courage up to go to a therapist).

 

ANyways, I see from my relatinship with her that the 3 chriteria I listed previously were there at one time in our relationshiph, but it went away. I would like to think that if it were there at one time, you can get it back if you know what it is that was lost and a way to get the relationship back.

 

I think you not only need those 3 things in love, but you need an entirely separate set of chriteria for making a relationship work (a relationship, not love). A relationship is only healthy and good if it fulfills both party's. You have to be able to offer something to the other party that they just can't readily get from normal daily events. You need to be able to ADD to their lives and give them a reason to want to be with you. Just as they need to do that for you to get anything out of a relationship. Now, I think people jump to love and skip the whole relationship thing WHich is probably what we did. We never really had a mutual relationship in which we would fulfill somehting in the other that we already didn't have. We did to a small extent in the beginning, but we really never had that in mind and we never fostered it. It waned away and we essentially had problems because we just didn't try to give something to the other person. We just didn't make it fulfilling to each other. Just me spitballing and throwing out some ideas that have already been gone over by millions of people, it is just new to me and I really want to learn more.

[carbine]

hey there i posted this out a few days ago , dont know if youve seen it , i hope it helps , i dont have a question but i am writing this to help anybody who doesnt know if they are in love , this list will not tell you wether you are in love (except question 7 , its the most important one)

 

1- does every song you hear remind you in some way of that person ?

 

2- would you do just about anything to make them lauph ?

 

3- with out even thinking about it would you die so that person lives ?

 

4- does the thought of romantically liking someone else sickin you or no where near intrest you ?

 

5- (only if you have loved before) if you have been in love before , does this person absolutly blow the old love away ?

 

6- are they the last thing on your mind before you go to sleep and the first thing when you wake up ?

 

7- did you tell yourself that you loved them , or did it surprise you ? (if it surprised you give yourself a check )

 

8- do they make you feel like you can become a better person ?

 

9- is there name is the best name you ever heard ?

 

10- does comitment with that person scare you ?

 

11- it doesnt matter to me what movie we see as long as she is with me to see it

 

12- if all the above are yes and 7 was a surprise , 10 were a no and 11 true, you are most likly in love , congratulations , dont let them get away love is so hard to find and even harder to get over...

 

i really hope this list helps at least 1 person , feel free to add anything to the list you think i forgot , or give me some feedback