Girls who can't say no

[jujigatame]

Okay, I'm feeling pretty stuck right about now.

 

Lately, I've really been trying to meet new girls in order to start a relationship. This has been going on for about nine months. I haven't had good luck though - I've been outright rejected once or twice, but mostly I run into girls who seem to want to skirt the issue - usually because they're already involved, but a few who just don't want to go out with me but can't say it. One such girl led me on, talking to me over the phone for a month and agreeing to and then cancelling two different "dates" before telling me she already had a boyfriend, and then spread false rumors about me being some kind of stalker. It's beyond frustrating to me that such girls simply can't tell me no, and thus make an otherwise simple, painless process into a troublesome ordeal in which both people come out losers.

 

Another related thing I get is that many girls I talk to seem to genuinely enjoy the conversations they have with me - laughing, flirting, et cetera - but then they clam up when I ask about a phone number or if they want to catch lunch sometime. I generally ask them after two or three conversations, if it's a girl I see on a somewhat regular basis, like between classes in the hallway, or after one conversation if it's someone I'll likely never get a chance to talk to again. However, when I ask these girls for their number, it's like I made some kind of faux pas, like they caught me picking my nose or staring at their breasts. It's happened to me a good six or seven times before, and once more earlier today with one of my coworkers...

 

I have two books on meeting girls and dating, and have read many articles in magazines and online that reccommend just what I'm doing - conversing, flirting, being charming, polite, and complimentary, and then asking for a number so as to talk some more later. But this weird result still happens.

 

Anyway, the crux of this post consists of these two questions:

 

1. Why can't girls just give me a straight answer? What's so hard about saying no, and why would they lead me on the way they do? If a guy asks you out, he's obviously already accepted the risk of rejection, so why be afraid to let him down gently and easily before a misunderstanding occurs?

 

2. Is there something wrong with my approach, or is the problem on the other end? Keep in mind that the girls I ask out are all in the 16-18 age window. Maybe it's just that they're not used to that kind of approach yet; I don't know... If that's the case, do you think things will be better in college?

 

These questions are really bugging me, as I'm starting to worry that maybe it's my fault that I can't get a date and that I'm not really a victim of circumstance... Please respond!

[uongy]

in short m8,girls like 2 be chased and tht they sometimes get embrassed or jus geneuinely shocked tht u fancy them.

 

also,i think u mite wana jus take ya time.girls like 2 get 2 no ppl really wel.its a fact.if a decent girl comes along jus go wit da flow.take time.its worth it in da long run.

[reynder]

I totally hear what you're saying - because I"m 30 and have gone through the same sort of thing the last year or so. I had a serious girlfriend when I was your age - and then did the casual dating thing after that ended - for the last few years I"ve been searchign for that one special woman and doing so you have to get ou there and "DATE" - blah!

 

Anyway - I go through EXACTLY (I MEAN EXACTLY) what you described - and it never seems to get easier. THe talking, laughign, flirting, touching, teasing, it goes on and on and then after a month or two, you find out (only after having to actually ask the question) that she is involved with someone. I've met women like that who have boyfriends, live with these guys, married to these guys - and when I ask it's like they don't want to be honest about it.

 

I've of course met SANE women who say "I don't want to give you the wrong idea - I just want to be friends" - yes, ouch, we all go through it - but hello, that's what is supposed to happen - either that or actually hearing the words ....cool - that sucks for me, but guess what - we can now be friends and all is good. But nope - about 75 percent of the women I have gone out wiht and have met over the last couple of years now have been so CRAZY about the whole thing.

 

I'm getting over one right now actually - and buddy, this one took me for a ride for a YEAR. WE work together, she had a boyfriend when we met - but 2 months of long talks and emails and flrting and WOW - yet when I suggested dinner or a movie, no email reply, change the subject, pretend I never asked. Finally, over lunch one day, i asked if she was seeing someone - and she looked at me with this strange uneasy look,t hen explained that yes, she was sort of seeing someone, but it wasn't serious, it was long distance, and it wasn't going to last - she was endign it because he wasn't the one for her. HELLO - SIGNAL!

A year later buddy - A YEAR - i heard nothing but excuse after excuse - and with the excuses she woudl tell me how great I was and that she would go out with me but she needs time after the breakup with her boyfriend and that we work together and so many times she feels us getting close and it scares her - she's just not ready - etc etc etc.

Now, this past week (after we had a fight and didn't talk for almost a month), she tells me that she knew I had those feelings for her but she didn't have them for me - then saying I'm a great guy and she doesn't watn to be with anybody right now.

 

I'm faking the friendhsip at the moment - because we'll only be working together for another 2 months then I'm leaving for another job. As my friends and family have put it - take this as a blessing and run in theo ther direction while I can - she's F*$#&* up! Unfortunately, i got emotionally involved, and trying to move on with all of this.

 

So in a way of advice - i can't give you any, only have to say 2 things. 1) THis sort of thing happens out there - just learn from each time it happens to you and WATCH FOR THE SIGNS. You can spot when this sort of crap is happening again - and instead of saying "this time is different", turn around and go the other way! 2) As I said to this woman at work the other day, i don't believe in not being ready, needing time, all the stuff she told me - that when she meets the right guy, she will do anything and nothign will stop her from trying to get closer to him - because you won't be ablet o just let him walk out of your life. I believe this - and she looked at me, smirked and kind of shrugged her shoulders as if to say "I guess so - who knows".

[raffy56]

Maybe you should just ask them...

[reallyshyguy]

hey man i feel you.. girls are somewhat weird, you don't know what's going on in their minds.. basically i had a somewhat relative experience that you have.. i mean if a girl leads you on and you know they want to be talked to but then when you ask them if they want to talk to them they usually would say "oh i'm sorry i have a bf already".. which is pathetic.. like you said why can't they just say no..