...maybe it's jealousy???

[mandi]

Just 4 weeks ago my boyfriend of 5 years (living together 3) had told me he was board of the relationship and did not see it going anywhere. I had known this deep inside and had tried to talk to him about it in the past a few times but he didn't want to hear tell of us breaking up and he hoped my feelings would change. I felt for 2 1/2 years now that things were going down hill with our communication, sex life and I sometimes pushed him away either physically or in conversation making him feel bad. I used to feel sooo guilty for that but I was so frustrated with what to do about us! We bought a home last December but I think now it was just something for us to focus on at the time besides us. I wanted him in the beginning but I wish I knew where those feelings went?? He was such a great, nice, smart guy. Is there something wrong with me? I was so shocked when he told me it had to be over, I guess because he was the one who wanted to keep trying, but I knew it was a matter of time before he couldn't take anymore... he said he needs to feel wanted etc...

Now after the first week I told him to go to his sisters and stay because it was to hard to live together until we sold our home. But there is this other girl at work he has been talking to a lot and she also felt the same about her man and has kicked him out! She is sooo opposite of him and she also has a bad Rap. I wonder if this is his rebound?? We all live in the same town and even though I knew our relationship was going nowhereI am hurting so bad and I feel like i will never move on ( i wish things were like before) I have moved my stuff to a friends place this weekend and now I have to get rid of our cat and furniture... it's soo hard for me when all he's doing is having fun with her!!

Please help me I need some advice. Thanks

[reinvented21]

Hey Mandi,

 

Five years is a long time. It is so long, that i'm reluctant to tell you to let it go. Before I give you any advice lets look at some of the bare bone facts. First of all, you said some things that threw me for a loop. First of all you stated youre dissatisfaction in the relationship earlier on. You also said he was a "nice guy". Do you get where I'm going with this? If not, allow me to break it down further. For the most part(keep in mind this is a generalization) people like a challenge. Typically, nice guys dont provide much excitement or a challenge in relationships. Initially, there may have been a spark, however, things started to fizzle out after that. You may have desired more of a challenge. You may have craved more excitement, and its possible that he didnt do it for you. So eventually, you tried to push him away. Clearly that didnt work because you guys stuck it out for a couple more years. I think that it may have been a good idea to take a break from one another a couple years ago, when you felt that the relationship was lacking something. However, since you didnt, lets not dwell on spilled milk. Next, I noticed something odd. It seems like he got you before you got him. I am getting the feeling that he threw you for a loop by ending the relationship before you did. You may feel a "little" stung, because you had these feelings before, but, he ended it first. If you want him back, I have good news and bad news for you. Good news is that you may get him back. Bad news is you may not. Lets start with the good news. You did the right thing. You told him to leave. Dont torture yourselves. Stay away from him for a while. Try not to write, call, or bump into him. You had 5 years together. If he is at all human(and has emotion) he will think about you and hopefully miss you. He CANT miss something that is always around, so stay away from him for a while. Next, rebounds dont work. This person who he may be talking to now, is a rebound. She doesnt matter to him. He may think he likes her. He may think the grass is greener, but if thats what he thinks, then he is delusional. When the smoke clears, he will see the cold harsh truth. Rebounds dont work. They only mask problems from the previous relationship. In the long run, this girl has nothing on you. You have to move on for youre sanity, even if its hard. Pretend like youre strong, even if you dont feel like you are. In the meantime, while he is seeing this new girl, analyze what may have went wrong in the relationship. Was it communication? Was it that you were seeing too much or too little of eachother? Too many aruguments? Money problems? The list goes on and on. What about intrapersonal issues. Was there something about youre personality that he didnt like that you didnt notice, or was there something about his that you didnt like. If he decides that he misses you and wants you back, you two need to communicate. Let him know what changes you want made, if five years means enough to the two of you and if youre love was strong enough, you two will work it out. Life has a funny way of working out for the best. For now though, I can suggest that you cultivate patience. Dont force anything to work out. Things will unfold on their own. Believe. Believe that you can get through this. Even though it may seem tough and very very painful, trust yourself that you can cope. If you have to, write in a journal to expierience youre feelings. Excercise-it will boost youre mood. Talk to youre family and friends. And most of all, let him know what he's missing by proving how strong you are without him. Only the two of you can bring eachother back. Have faith. A few things can happen from this situation. First- you give him space(remember he ended it, not you) and he decides he misses you enough and wants you back. Second-You eventually move on, and he never calls. (But you moved on(after a while, of course) so in retrospect it doesnt matter too much. Third- YOu move on and he calls you. Well, now you have a moral predicament( Who will you choose- the new guy or youre ex). Give it some time, dont totally give up on the relationship. But be careful not to be strung along like a puppet, while he has fun with this other girl. I hope I have given you some help. Best wishes. Keep youre head up. And finally, remember, things will turn out for the best eventually.

[mandi]

Thanks for reading my story, your advice made me feel better I think it's things like this I need to hear right now to make it through.

I feel he's so happy and not caring about me and I'm stuck being hurt and tying up loose ends all on my own (house, pet, money etc)

I hope I make it through this as soon as possible and his rebound pulls a U turn on him.

 

Thanks

[closer_nin]

Mandi...

 

If you thought that the last 2 and a half years were bad and that everything was going downhill, why did you guys buy that house? You said you only wanted him in the beginning, so you shouldn't be shocked or upset really when he wanted to leave. You pushed him away and lost the feeling for him. Sometimes two people aren't meant for each other. When you had the chance, you chose to push him away. If you made every effort and can truly say that you tried your best to make this work then you can be sorry and feel hurt in the respect that you wished this relationship would have worked. If you really care about him, then you should be happy for him and let him be. If you lost the feeling for him, why should it matter whether or not he is having fun today? It doesn't... you confuse me with this. He could be dating everyone in the neighborhood... If you guys had the best relationship and the last 2 and a half years were great, then I could say that you should be shocked and that maybe he shouldn't be dating anyone right now. You see, he was the one trying to keep trying with the two of you as you stated. He probably in honesty felt that you didn't care anymore so thereforeeee he found someone who did or who could fill that space. You told him to stay somewhere else, so with that you cut all your ties. With the house at least, you had a bond whether it was financial or whatever... it kept you guys commited. Without it, and without further emotional ties... the relationship dies and you can't expect him to stick around for you anymore. You need to look at what you let go and wonder why you care so much about it now.... best of luck