Getting nowhere at all

[Marlyne]

I found out that my bf of 3.5 months has been cheating on me 12 days ago. He has not been talking to me since I've confronted him that day. While this is an online relationship, I have invested all my emotions like in any other relationship. He was supposed to visit me a month ago but couldn't do so because of his work commitments, he claimed. From what I understand, he's getting together with that girl irl.

 

That being said, I'm having a lot of difficulty letting him go. This time round, I've got really good advice from friends and colleagues, and to be honest, I thought I'm making good progress in getting over him. I know very well that he was not worth it, and that he has made the decision to choose her over me. Part of it was bitterness, but I can deal with that by rationalising. What is making it difficult is that everytime I see him online, I feel so desperately like making contact, and have to force myself NOT to do it. But after, I feel like I'm the most unworthy person in the world.

 

I thought of leaving this online community altogether, but because of the fact that I work long hours and is too tired to go out with friends, I find it difficult to go. I have friends there and some of them have given me some support in dealing with this. The fortunate thing is perhaps our different timezones. Being 12 hours apart, the short window when I'm on at night, he would normally be asleep. Still, weekends are the hardest. I'm a homebody and being home alone on the weekends make me go online to look for something to do. I no longer seek him out actively, but we will somehow bump into one another. Even if he didn't notice me, or pretend I didn't exist, these encounters bring me down.

 

Someone suggested that I'm a person who is emotionally dependent. I'm just beginning to see that, and is trying my best to try and keep to the belief that I don't need anyone to make me happy. However, it's getting harder by the day as loneliness creeps in.

 

To be honest, I feel like I'm getting nowhere at all. I'm just so afraid that I'll never get over him. And one day soon, I'll succumb to begging him to take me back when I know that he's no longer interested in me, and I'll be throwing away my pride and dignity, but the feelings of loneliness are so bad I wouldn't care anymore.

 

Does anyone know how to cope with seeing your ex online without letting the sight of him tear you down? What do you say to yourself? Is there anyway to be strong?

 

If you have come this far, thank you for reading. I would really appreciate any advice you can offer. I have to deal with my students' problems during the day, but I am unable to deal with my own, and it's beginning to affect my work. So any advice on how to deal with this maturely would be greatly appreciated.

 

Marlyne

[Cid]

Ok I will help you as best as I can. My sugestion is that you do not contact him. Try to find someone local to you you sead that you dont do things on weekends go to places where people your age hang out. About 75% of Internet realsionships do not work out. So try the local people it wont hurt to try. Well that is the best avice that I can give you. I wish you the best of luck.

[amdabar]

As someone that suffers from codependancy I can completely relate. Telling you he isn't worth it or that you'll get over it isn't going to help. The pain you feel comes from feeling that he just doesn't want you and not being able to figure out why. I would strongly recommend leaving this board. It only makes things worse to have a constant reminder of him. If you've made friends here, let them know that you're leaving and give them your email address. You're only hurting yourself by seeing him online all the time. I would also recommend you find other ways to spend your free time than online. You say your a teacher, why don't you offer to tutor? Or take a continuing ed class at night, or take a pottery class or yoga or something? Make going online difficult to find time for.

[Turboz]

Hi

 

Well if your having problems when you see him online then just delete him from your friends list (I assume you mean you see him on some chat service like yahoo or msn).

 

Don't contact him. Have nothing to do with him. He is not worthy of your feelings and he is scum. If he treated you like that then loosing you is his problem.

 

You deserve better. Go out, travel to another town, see new fresh people/men and have a look around!.

 

If you meet someone nice then it's a bonus!

 

Of ccourse you could always call me

[Marlyne]

It's not a board or a chatroom I'm on. Its an mmorpg, some online game where we play characters. I agree that online relationships are largely bogus, and I've spent enough time online (since 95) to see enough of my friends' relationships fall apart.

 

I don't know why I allowed this relationship to happen. Perhaps it's due to my lifestyle. I'm kinda in a position where I work, head home, log onto this game and chat with friends. I supposed some call it antisocial.

 

In any case, I'm looking into making small changes now. I don't really wanna call up my friends, who are busy with their own lives. Going to places where people my age hang out... pubs & clubs? I gotta be up at 0530 every morning. Don't think I can handle the party crowd. But I agree that I need to work on getting a life. I supposed a new hobby might be feasible.

 

As for leaving the game, I know I should. However, I'm kinda reluctant. They've been my friends for the past few months and to leave the game, I'll be left on my own overnight. It really sounds like a big step to me and I'm not too brave at the moment. At the same time, I don't want to leave the game just because of him. I enjoy the game and the challenges it offers its players.

 

I need to mull about this somemore, and make some decisions soon. Btw, thanks for all your advice.