Mellow1

Day 2 No love for someone who brings me pain

Day 1 Silence is the best revenge. New goal : weight loss and drivers license. Today I went out for a walk and it was very healing to my soul. Thought about how he is struggling (family and money troubles) and how he misunderstood my kindness yesterday. He was telling me he had no food at his house or for his dog and I told him if he would like food from my house. He snapped by saying you only trying to help me and I can help myself. I just didn't let him get to me nor do I want to argue anymore cause cleary I been helping his family out with my generosity for the three years I was with him. He is in a negative state of mind that he is cleary forgetting who I am or what I done. so I just ignored his stupidity and didn't talk to him after that phone call. Life is too precious to be mistreated, I can't wait for the day he is begging me to come back in the meantime, I went from 175 to 157. Lol Weight loss goal of 140.

Day 0 Ex texted me after 3 days of nc. Maybe its today or idk but his flirty texts made me realize i'm just there for his entertainment and my emotions are not valued. He always makes me feel bad because I tell him that he doesn't care but I am right. I don't care how angry he gets. I should mean something more to him. 3 years of being there, helping out when he was down, doing right by him, making him feel good for what so he can flirt/**** with other people. I'm over it. He has his head so far up his ass that he doesn't let people shine. Yesterday I was crying because I didn't wake up next to him and there a guy friend who actually listens to me. He made me realize I'm too good to be put aside. I'm living life for me. Its my turn to shine.

Day 1 BU : 1 month Relationship : 3 yrs Last time I tried this he came to me but doesn't want the relationship. So i'm trying again. I feel like crap today... I miss him alot ... Yesterday he told me a joke that literally destroyed my heart. We was listening to "everything is broken" by kid cudi and he was like is that how you feel like everything is broken. I just started to shed tears. he was like i'm sorry that was horrible to say I hope you can forgive me. He took me home and along the way I was telling him that I forgive him. I just wanted to have a good time with him and he was like he can't he felt bad. So I told him that he always giving up on me which made him angry. Its ****ing true though. He forgave me. I also got jumped yesterday because I live in a bad neighborhood and he was very supportive although he was mad at me. He was telling what I was doing late at night but I understand that He did that cause he cares. Today I woke up and he was making me laugh but went back to being a jerk so I'm back to sqaure one.

So starting NC again because I know now that when I ignore him it makes him want me. When we broke contact it was because of school and for some reason I was feeling extremely happy and he notice and started to ask question like why are you so happy when you look at the phone? It kinda made me feel like I was in control and i'm kicking his ego's ass lol he been throwing his single flirty ways at me for the past two week since we broke up and this week I just played his little game and started being myself again. So NC this whole summer i'm not going to be his puppet anymore...i want to feel special to someone I know he is out there waiting for me DAY 1 He send me two emails one for a trip we are mandatory to go on and another a joke in which he expresses im a close friend I didnt reply and im proud of myself because his jokes are super lame sometimes so over him

I really do need a friend so I'm giving you my email email removed

I guess i don't see it because i'm using my phone do you mind messaging me

Thanks how are you today

DAY ONE Once again I broke the rule, its hard when you still care for someone and the feelings aren't mutual. Honestly I'm hurt and lonely. I need a friend before I blow my brains out, the stress I get scares me... I wish I had someone to talk to at night.. Life seems to move on without me. The plus side of breaking the rule is that hes struggling with money right now because he has no job, he has negative balance in his bank account and he owe people money... So that what he gets lol i know its wrong to be a little happy that he going through stuff but then again he did hurt my feelings.

BACK TO DAY ONE Tomorrow!! What can I say about today, its been one hell of an day. My ex decided to hang out with me but nothing serious just as friends. He told me today that he loves me but he is not in love with me... He also ask out of the blue how would you feel if I find someone else and I told him the truth I wont be his friend if that were to happen because im not going to be a clutch in his life. I don't want to be his second best. I want to be first. I also told him maybe we should not be around each other for a while and he said that maybe thats true, that we should give each other space to miss each other. He said he wasnt talking to anybody because he wants to be free from restriction. It hurt that he said that but we are young and sometimes I feel the same but that not an excuse to break my heart. Anyways we ended up being intimate in the car just for the moment and he said that our sex life just keeps getting better its a habit that he has. Well he took me home after we got a bite to eat and he said things like he wanted to be more passionate instead of in the car. He also reacted or sort of cringed when I said I was leaving to ATL in the summer. He also apologized for assuming I lied to him about my choice of moving over there but I decided not too. He even stayed longer to the point he got tired. Some of these actions are nice but it doesnt make up the fact that hes not here by my side. So Day One Tomorrow, tired of giving in.

Its through email he doesn't have a phone

DAY TWO Today i woke up with the same feeling of anxiety.I decided to listen to some music and the best song to describe my feelings is The Kill by 30 seconds to mar. I stayed at my house today because i felt tired and not looking forward to seeing my ex at school. He decided to contact me 11:44 am an hour before i woke up and tells me work suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and so does money. I ignored his stupid message. The pain is to much to bare to listen to his crap. I love him but I hate being just a friend. Keeping My **** together, Mind Over Heart Always! Show Love to Yourself,if you're in the same situation as I am. Its the only way you can make it !

DAY ONE Challenge accepted, my day started really good I went for a walk this morning because i woke up feeling lonely and my heart started to race. As I was walking I passed by his neighborhood but I didnt go through his block because I felt uneased. Its been 3 weeks since I hold him in my arms to sleep and every morning I wake up in panic. I needed to get out my room and explore because I felt trapped, like i'm in prison.As I was heading to the park I was talking myself through this emotional period, thinking of all the things he said to me. He the type that feels trap in a relationship no matter how good he felt with me. He was always single but decided to try it with me because of our connection but we felt like we was getting tired of each other and called it quits at least he did and he feels like it was right thing to do it now then down the road. So I decided to walk around this small park three times before heading home. The moment felt peaceful but still chaotic as my emotions where running wild. I decided to search him up on fb and he had a picture of him smiling it hurt so I decided to make one as well before this walk. For some reason I feel mostly at ease as I went to class (college) not one moment of thinking about him. As I got home however he ask if he can bring back my glasses which I stupidly replied yes. He came over and decided to cheer me up by showing that he cares in little ways like wearing the ring I gave him and making me laugh as well as flirt around i guess to boost his ego but he also wanted to return some of my things. he still want to be friends but I really tired of his **** ... I want to heal so for the rest of the day im here in my room looking online for answers ... I decided that this is the best option because I love this man and I feel like I dont mean **** to him. my emotions keeps me from eating but every time I have a good day with him I feel hungry, my emotions are crazy.