Hopingpraying

Raider5,

I don't think you can put a percentage on it. And "I THINK" is all you are going to get.

There are too many factors to consider, no two breakups are a like or have the same reasons.

The biggest wild card for getting back together is the EX. They play a big part in that, and something that is completely out of any of our control.

The thing I think you should really concentrate on is not how many that get back together, but how many get back together and stay together. Ultimately you can get back with your EX, but if neither of you fix the reasons for the breakup in the first place then you ultimately repeat it. There are plenty of posts from people who have broken up and gotten back together with an EX many times, but they are also posting because the have broken up again... Who wants to repeat that misery over and over again??? Not me.. Thats why I am not even focusing on getting my wife back at the moment. I am focusing on me and getting my act together. That way even if my wife never comes back to me, some other woman will see what a great guy I am.

So if I had to throw I percentage in there I would say 15-20%... But out of those probably 90% end back broken up again.

i really do not want the OLD RELATIONSHIP back, it was toxic and painful, but are you telling me i cant love her new, start something different, if that is the case then we are all doomed, if we do not have the option of change or the option of becoming someone bertter for a relationship and ourselves.

 

just mythoughts...

 

jay

No Jay were not all doomed. I think you need to look at your relationship and fix the things you did wrong, or look and see where you could of done better. That is definitely a must, and something you should take out of all this. That is where concentrating on you and fixing you comes in. But the thing you cannot control is how she is going to react to that, or get her to fix the things that she has done wrong in the relationship. I think if both of you have this revalation then it is possible to work things out, but it does you know good to fix all your flaws if she is still stuck with hers. The end result will be the same.... The two of you part ways..

You will start to see this as I have. My wife still puts all the blame for our relationship on me. My problems, my flaws caused it. She has her issues but is to busy blaming me to see what she needs to fix. I am working on my issues. I don't ever expect to be perfect, but I will do what I can to be the best I can.. That is all we can do Jay.... Good luck.. Stay strong for your daughter.

Pepsimax,

I enjoyed reading that!! I did something the other night I really wasn't sure if I should do.

I call my (soon to be EX-) wife every night so I can talk to my daughter, she is only two so we only have brief conversations. I don't get to see her much (long story) so I want t make sure my daughter knows I am thinking about her. When I called the other night I told her I had something I wanted to ask her. I could hear an immediate change in her voice like ooooh brother her comes the speech... All I told her was:

I know I am the one that filed for this divorce. Right or wrong I was going on my Attorney's advice. I just wanted you too know this is not what I want, I want us to work things out. I just want to make sure this is what you want.

She said Yes, this is what she wants. I said okay I wanted to make sure you understood my position and want to make sure I knew this is what we needed to do. Give (daughter) a kiss for me. She said Okay.. I said bye.

It was a bit of closure for me. I have not given up hope of us working things out, but this just gives me the closure I need to move on. I am going to start to go out and live my life again. I just didn't want her coming back to me in ten years and say I was the one that wanted this. I was the one that filed. I guess she still can, but at least I know in my heart I did everything I could... Too little to late I guess...

Back to what you said Pepsi.... I appreciate it, and I take it to heart. It is time to move on.

Howard,

I am just curious if you and your wife go to church? The only reason I ask is that since my wife left me I have started going to church (its been about three months now) and I really have learned a lot about relationships and marriage. I honestly believe if my wife and I had gone to church I would not be going through a divorce at this time. The things they talk about make you understand what is really important in life.

Please think this through before going through with the divorce. I can tell you from experience that it is not a fun ordeal, and maybe you are at the point where you are fed up, but go that extra mile for you and your family. It sucks growing up in a broken home.

Good luck!!

Brandell,

I feel you man, woman usually say one thing, mean another, and do something else. It is really confusing for us rationale thinking men. But it is one of our differences and we need to learn how to spot them, and more importantly how to react.

Now I am only reading how you are typing it, but it is obvious this girl still has deep feelings for you, I am just curious about she says she is putting you before herself and it is damaging her. I would be willing to bet she has been reading a book called, " Co-Dependent no More" I forget the authors name but I reccomend that you read it. It may help you.

Again, respect what she is saying but don't take everything to heart. Sometimes they say things they don't mean, and mean things they don't say. Its hard for me to tell which is which in this case. Give her time.

TT,

Its great to hear you are doing better! It is a long slow process but you are making it and so will we all if we concentrate on fixing ourselves and stop focusing so much attention on the one person in this world that doesn't want to be with us. Its great to hear!! I am glad for you.

Keep up the good work, and definitely take it really slow with your friend!

Jeff,

Make sure you understand the true meaning of no-contact. It is not a violation of anything if they contact you. The whole reason for no-contact is to get them to contact you. Whether you respond is how you think you will do emotionally when you call them back.

I say definitely tell her congratulations. I don't know for sure whether you want her back or not, but if you do it sounds like this is all good.

Cab,

I would have to say some things are better left unsaid. This would definitely not make her feel better and if anything she would only read it as you trying to be mean and hurt her even more. If thats the way you truly feel, just know that. Write the letter and either rip it up or put it in a safe place. I wouldn't give it to her though. I don't think that is the kind of thing anyone would want to hear or read.

Hope this helps.

Notsure,

Just stay strong dude.. You will make it. It may not seem like it now but this is just a stepping stone in your life. If you look at it that way this is a chance for you to start over, fresh, new. Just be sure to make the best of it. Fix the issues you have/had in your previous relationship so you don't repeat it in a future one. Use this as a learning experience. Know that you will always have your daughter in your life. She cannot take her away from you even if she tries.

Be the bigger, better man. Don't threaten her new boyfriend that will just push her further away. If anything be-friend him. I'm not saying take him out for a beer, I am just saying walk up to him, shake his hand, and tell him that you wish him luck. Tough yes, but it will show your maturity and that you are a good man.

Good luck.. Keep us posted on your progress, and anytime you need to vent we are here for you.

Hoping& Praying,

 

You're absolutely right. Each and every situation is different. And the fact that you have a daughter does change a lot. Be there for your daughter. It's for yourself...it's your responsibility.

 

My point in all of this is that you should look out for yourself before you look out for your ex-wife. It must be hard to switch mentalities...you're so used to looking out for your little family first. Now, you must learn to switch that mentality and look out for yourself first. That's what your ex did. It wouldn't be fair.

Yes, your correct it is hard to switch mentalities, but the fact is I still have to look out for my EX-wife too. That doesn't stop. Because my EX-wife still holds the title of, "Mother of my Daughter" ultimately if anything bad happens to her it will also affect my daughter in a bad way. So it is still a package deal. I will always care for my wife, I have no doubts about that. Heck I still care for my EX-grilfriend prior to my wife, in a different way of course but I never want to see anything bad happen to her. I am sure in time my feelings for my wife will be different too, but I will still care for her. I don't think that will ever stop.

This is all so difficult, I don't know why after a breakup people are in such a hurry to get back out there and do it again.

Brandell,

I hear what your saying, but for my personal situation I don't see it as a setback, or holding me back to hold out hope that my wife comes back to me. I am not putting my life on hold in the hopes that she does that, I just don't feel that having hope in and of itself is holding me back. It will be three months since she moved out on May 14th, I have made great strides in healing myself and fixing me. I have been to counseling, working out, going to school, trying to be the best father and husband I can be and should of been all along. So its not all a bad situation. If anything this has shaken me enough to wake me up at this fat, dumb, and happy stage I was in.

I cannot say the no-contact rule is for everyone, but whether your holding out hope you can get back together or not, I don't see the difference. No-Contact is your only option unless you are just dileberately trying to frustrate your EX.

I think it is all in how you play it out in your head. No-contact is the best way to let the relationship go, but it also seems to be the only way to try to get it back together as well. If that makes sense????? :shocked!:

Good stuff.. I like everything you have to say here, my only caveat would be that each situation is unique. I know on the surface all breakups sound similar or nearly the same, but the underlying reasons are all different.

Even though I could take your message and pretty much apply it to me and how I have handled going through my divorce, I have had to apply a modified version of no-contact which is because of my daughter. Even though I call and talk to my wife every night so I can speak to my two year old daughter I never bring up anything about us or the relationship, or how I wish we could work things out. I do want so badly for her to see the changes in me. Sure she can see the physical changes, I have been working out quite a bit and physically I am in the best shape since I was in highschool, but she cannot see whats changing inside me. I feel I am an enlightened man for a thirty year old. Saying that by no means do I think I know it all, and as far as woman are concerned I have so much more to learn.

Stay around CMR, I think you have some stuff to share, and the more the merrier!!

Notsure,

Wow, that is tough to read man. I feel what you are going through and really feel for you in the fact that you have a little girl. You and Kim will always be in each others lives so you really need to "Be her friend" I am dealing with the same thing with my soon to be Ex-wife. My daughter just turned two in April. And I can honestly say it sucks. I don't want the divorce, but it is what she wants and if there is one thing I know is that I cannot make her want to be with me.

You have to accept that like I did. definitely do not send this letter to her, it won't serve the purpose you want. Keep putting it on paper, that does help, but do not give it to her. The fact she is already with someone else tells me that you need to give her a lot of space, but still be involved with your daughter. I know you said your Mom is ill and I can respect that, but trust me if you leave for any length of time it is going to look bad in the eyes of the court if she decides to take it their for child support reasons. They might see it as child abandonment and you will be at her mercy to see your daughter.

Ultimately you two need to be good to one another for your daughter. Nothing tears at a kid more than seeing two parents fight.

I wish I could offer you some type of advice that would make this easier for you Jason, but I can't. I hope you handle this in the best manner possible. Don't drive by her house anymore, take the focus off of her and put it on yourself. Improve yourself, fix yourself. Take the weakness' she saw in you and term them into strengths.... I wish I could give you something more than that, but only time will take this weight off of your chest.

Dmvenus,

Its good you are being strong, but I don't think it is a bad idea to communicate why you are doing no-contact as long as you can handle what happens.

You need to think about the possible outcomes and see if you can deal with those results..

1. What if she wants back in your life?

2. What if she acts like a total B**** and insults you?

3. What if she is uncaring and doesn't act sorry at all for cheating on you?

4. What if she tells you she is sorry and would like your forgiveness but still doesn't want a relationship?

5. Etc . . .

One or possibly none of the above scenarios could play out, but you have to take all that into account and verify in your mind that you could deal with them in a cool rationale manner. If you can do that then definitely explain why you are leaving her alone.

It sounds like you are well on your way to recovery even if things don't work out well between you two which is a good thing.

Please also know that before you two get back into a relationship she obviously has issues she needs resolved, and you are not going to be the one that can make her, or even request her to do it. So just because you are a better person doesn't mean she changed a lick, and that you have to be careful of. It sucks going through that a second time!!

Good luck, keep us posted.

Babydee,

Wow this is a tough situation and it must really be hurting you. I would just caution you on obsessing on this too much. There is really nothing you can do so being overly upest or mean about the situation is only going to cause you and your son heartache.

I realize it is easy for me to say just accept it, but you have to let it go and move on. I guess they would call this being the bigger person.

If you just harbor all this pain and resentment in your heart it is only going to hurt you and not them. They will expect you to be upset about it, and maybe he is doing it just because he knows it will really get to you. Don't let it. Concentrate on yourself and don't worry about him, he has already taken enough of your time. Concentrate on you and your son, you will be better for it!!

Boston,

I do agree with the others that you should call him back, however, do it as if you were friends with nothing else in mind. If you even speak of the relationship you are bound to send him running. Even if it does satisfy his need to talk to you and he doesn't call again what have you lost? You are already split, at least you know he is thinking of you. Call him back see what he wanted. Make it short and sweet, don't talk about the relationship, and hopefully he will call you again.

After this conversation let him initiate the next contact!!

Greenie,

If this girl is everything you say she is then you have made a huge mistake. The spark you speak of fades in any relationship after you have been in one long enough. It is up to the two of you to keep interest alive.

You say you've been in many relationships but never a long one, this tells me about all I need to know. Love goes through phases, and you are in what I would consider the final phase. But you have to understand if you go chasing the first phase that I like to call the honeymoon phase you are going to be passing up girl after girl because eventually you get over the honeymoon phase where you feel tingles everytime you get ready to kiss her, or the big thrill when you know your going to have sex.

My personal opinion is you have made a huge mistake. A relationship is what you make of it. If passion is that important to you then I guess you should dump her, but in my ratings of what is important passion is down the list. Faithful, trusting, caring, loving all come up first in my book. Sure you can have a girl that is a freak in the bedroom, but what if she is running around with every other guy doing the same thing. Doesn't make for a good relationship in my book.

Ultimately you will need to figure out what you have to do. I hope other folks can offer differing opinions to mine.

Good luck!

I definitely agree with the two of you, its not like we are born with a relationship manual, and unfortunately the people we learn about relationships from are just as flawed as we are. So we have to learn on our own, one painful mistake at a time until we get it right. So yes, if I am unable to get my wife to come back too me. The next girl I am with is going to have one hell of a man on her hands. I have read so many relationship books I have to believe I know a bit more than the last time...

I wish everyone luck in their current and future relationships!! Hope you do the same for me.

Well at least we are all headed in the right direction.. Thanks for the kind words Christi!!

Sugarplum.... Start eatting girl. If you want to loose weight don't do it by not eatting!! Keep your head up we all will be in other relationships before we know it and we must remember to build on what we have learned. Just because things get better we need to continue to have "US" time and not get so wrapped up in getting happiness from another that we loose our focus...

Thank god for this message board!!! :

TT,

DOH!!! I just was reading the other thread you posted yesterday and put this in there.....

MS,

 

I don't think putting your feelings out there are such a good idea. If he truly wants to get back with you then he is going to put himself out there. Otherwise pouring out your heart and soul may just give him a chance to step on you. I don't think that is what you want, wait for him to contact you again. If he does, let him know you need to know where this is headed, and what he wants. If he tells you he would like to get back together then you have your chance to tell him how you feel and where you would like to see the two of you.

 

Don't give him any more chances to hurt you. Its not worth it.

I wish I would of gotten to you with that before you sent the email, but don't be so hard on yourself, we all go through these moments of weakness. You are not obsessed, you are in love and this is all a normal part of getting over it.

A minor setback, nothing to beat yourself up over!! Vent to us. It is what we are here for!!

Tigerlillies,

Oooh hmmmm,,, ahhhh.... hmmphhhh??? After much agonizing and thinking I am tending to agree with Kungfu, but reading your message again I think you need to be careful about the other possibility that Kungfu doesn't address.... What if you do get a response and he wants back in your life. There are things I don't know about your breakup. I am assuming he broke up with you. But what if???

So think about all the posibilities and if you know you can be strong no matter what happens, and the that it won't throw you for an emotional tailspin then by all means do it. If you really don't want him back though I would question why you would want to risk it at all?

I do wish you luck with whatever decision you make. Be sure to let us know what you decide and how it goes.... Because we are NOSEY!!!

TT,

I think JT is giving you good advice, he is in fear you are moving on and doesn't like it. He still cares for you, that is obvious, and he knows you still care for him so he is using that to keep you close but not too close. You may think this is good, and maybe it is, but at some point either he is going to find someone he wants to pursue a relationship and you will then be hurt because you waited for him, or he is going to decide that your the one and come back to you, or your going to get sick of waiting for him to make up his mind and move on.

Which one you decide to do is totally up to you, but I think you need to move on with the hopes that he comes back. It is the healthiest thing for you to do. And really right now, "YOU" are all you should be worrying about right now, not him!!

Good luck!

Drifter,

I could nearly copy and paste your message as my own, although I would make the following changes:

I am back in school, although not for my masters, for my Bachelors. I am in the best shape since I was in highschool, and I really must say I can see a big difference. If I could just get rid of these grey hairs

I have been doing anything I can to keep my mind off her. Therapy has helped out a bit, and this message board has been a great release point as well. I am cureently seeing a counselor once a week for an hour. I just wish it didn't cost so darn much!!

I take it a day at a time, and am hoping for the best. I have to believe she will see the changes in me.....

TT,

You obviously are not ready for a relationship, so don't try to start one. I don't think you are, but this is the reason for you still constantly thinking about your EX. Your heart is telling you you are not ready, but don't get deppressed. It will not be like that forever.

Your friend is a friend so don't mess that up. Getting involved with him right now would be a bad idea and would probably wreck your friendship. Maybe in the future when you are ready you could pursue a relationship with him, but definitely not right now.

You will eventually be able to move on. Quit beating yourself up about this, there is no set timetable. Just because your EX has appeared to move on dosen't mean he is happy, or she is the one that he will spend the rest of his life with. You have to be happy about you, and where your headed. You said you have been working out. Keep that up. Don't stop. Keep doing what you are doing. Each day it will get easier. I promise!!

It does get easier, sometimes it takes awhile, but don't give up. You will get over this guy whether you believe it right now or not...

Bloo,

You current situation is unfortunate, I hate to hear when there is a child involved which is why I would suggest the following advice.... Us men are thickheaded and sometimes a little slow on the uptake. It takes us awhile to get what your saying even though you are using plain english.

So all I would ask that you do is make sure you spell out what you want from him. Make sure he is clear that you are not happy. If as soon as you bring up issues he gets deffensive and won't listen, write him a letter. If you try this approach a few times and he still doesn't get it I would say it is time to move on.

While what happened with me and my wife is definitely different, I would say we could of had a much different outcome if she would of spelled it out in no uncertain terms. I was going along fat, dumb, and happy even though she was letting me know there were things she was unhappy about. By the time I "GOT IT" it was too late. She had already made up her mind that I was not going to change. I am here to tell you that now that I have "GOTTEN IT" I have changed, changed for the better. Whether this will be enough for her doesn't really matter to me anymore. I am doing it for myself and my daughter, not her anymore. I can't control what she does, I can only control what I do.

Anyways, I hope you understand what I am trying to say. I am not saying give him unlimited chances, just a few more.